If I ever run into this woman I promise I will smack her around with one of my milk filled mammaries that wouldn’t fit into pretty lingerie BEFORE getting pregnant. In the meantime I’ll just quit fucking eating so “something” cute in my closet will fit that aren’t a pair of yoga pants and an old navy tshirt. Now what can I find that goes with little boy pee and spit up……. clearly something that needs to be drycleaned….. and that manicure … right….. my nail biting habit might be gross, but so is picking poop out from under perfectly manicured nails. As if I don’t have enough to freaking worry about, now I have to bounce out of bed and do my makeup? And I guess the ponytail is bad too? I should let baby hands yank it all out. Clearly the look of broken beads all over the house from all my earrings and necklaces would be a good idea too…… frumpy mama my ass…..
Archive for July, 2007
How I got here
Sara kept telling me I should start a blog.
In the middle of the night of the first few weeks of Baby Kaiser’s world, I started reading them constantly. I don’t even know where I got started. It might have been here while I tried to figure out if it was normal that I couldn’t put my boy down and have him stay asleep. I know I ended up here because I read it from beginning to present, alternately laughing and crying, and in the end learned just where I could put a few choice judgmental opinions I’d been carrying around. And if that one wasn’t enough, then certainly this was enough.
I’d had the blog for a while, mostly to keep my shit together in the final weeks of baby incubation, and to entertain my friends with my stellar, unmatched humor.
But I got knocked off my pedestal by her, who knocks it out of the park every time and makes me think I should just close up my snark shop for good. I’ve professed my undying admiration for her, and then made the blog public and quit lurking so much and actually commented some. Ya’ll can blame her.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t throw my link love to the Big Bad Bloggy Daddies. You let me see into what this whole mess of parenthood looks like from my husband’s eyes, something that I’m sure saves him from the wrath of the mom on a daily basis.
And of course PDub who lets her awesome freak flag fly from the prairie.
There’s more, but this is how my google reader and I have been rolling for a while. This whole stay at home gig combined with the newness of mommyhood combined with the move to the land of vices would have been so lonely without ya’ll. You make me laugh and let me know I’m not the only one in my jams at 120 in the afternoon with someone else’s drool on my shoulder, not sleeping through the night, but totally keeping myself awake when exhausted just so I can gaze at the cuteness that is that is the Baby Kaiser. You give me courage to go try new things, because if it fails, I at least have a funny (hopefully) story to tell, in an attempt to say thanks for the smiles you’ve given me.
And on that note, it’s time to go get covered in little boy pee again.
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To Whom it May Concern:
To anyone giving me dirty looks in the grocery while I was holding my vocally crabby infant and pushing his stroller: Yes, I know it looks stupid, Yes, I know he’s annoying to listen to, I know this because I spend several hours a day listening to it. You get to go home. Blow me.
To the woman in the awesome dress with her daughter in a wrap, who was chatting with a random stranger (In one of those conversations all new parents get stuck in with strangers), thank you for not rolling your eyes at my predicament and acting superior b/c you were baby wearing and I was not. I forgot my wrap at home which is what caused the predicament in the first place. I am one of you.
To the man who came around me in the self check out to see the vocally crabby infant and then joke with me “are you going to feed him that sushi?”: Dude, do I LOOK like I’m in a mood or position to joke. I think not. Help me scan my groceries, or get them out of the bottom of the stroller while trying to not lose my balance while my son filets my face with his fingernails. I’ll love you forever. But thank you for saying as you walked away that he’s cute as a button. I wish you would have led with that, you would have gotten the thank you that etiquette owed you.
To the cashier who wouldn’t stop talking to her friend when my card was failing and the check out said “wait for cashier”. Who kept talking to her friend when I pushed the call button. Who finally walked over when the pissy laser beam mom eye glare burned a hole through her and got her attention: fuck off. I DID press CREDIT you biatch. I’m out of high school, undergraduate and graduate school. Don’t look at me like that because I procreated, and I won’t report you to your boss that you SUCK at your job.
To my boy – who managed to laugh for me in the midst of all of this. A new sound from his little self. Thank you. You always make me glad you are around JUST at the moment I contemplate praying for gypsies to kidnap you.
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Adventures in Diapers
We just switched to cloth over the weekend. As we are finally awake enough to understand how to use them and are in possession of a washer dryer again we were able to start using them during the day (still using disposables at night because I like what sleep I can get to not get interrupted by little boy pee).
Is there anything more staining than breastmilk poo? Does anything get that bright orange out?
How about out of carpet?
Or my brand new light pink yoga pants?
Or my intake filter on the whirlpool?
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Irony
I have a box sitting and waiting for me at the fucking post office. I have to repeat today in order to get my yoga pants. This is another “post office” than what I was at today. God help me.
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I’ve had a stack of mail sitting in my car all month. It’s impossible to find a post office in the land of all the vices. Especially since I’m still learning how to do things with the little kaiser running the show. Garmin tried to take me to the next town over. So I’ve had photos for the grandparents, baby presents, wedding presents and a box of kilt in the car all of July.
Today I had only 1 goal. Get this shit out of my car.
I had a list of 4 possibilities from the net. I find one (Garminless bc Scout took it out of town with him). It’s in the back of a RiteAid pharmacy. I walk in with my big ole box, multiple envelopes, check card and baby. I wait patiently while the woman in front of me chats about mice with the desk clerk.
I hand off my stuff to the clerk, she notices my card and tells me they only take cash and checks. She starts processing my shit, I walk back out to the car to get my 20 dollar bill and/or my checkbook. I assume they won’t take an out of state check so the 20 it is. Till I realize that my Kate Spade carrying days have been replaced by a JJCole baby backpack and all I have is my ID, Credit card, check card, diapers, and 7 dollars Scout happened to leave in my car. I take the 7 back in, apologize, the girl asks if I want to come back. I think on it and then answer honestly. No. No I don’t. I will, but No, I don’t want to. She sends off the box of kilt, pulls postage off the stuff for the grandparents and sends me up front where the cash register has stamps I can use my check card to purchase (Wtf, I can’t buy stamps at the PO but I can buy them with my condoms?) I get in line behind ONE person. Meanwhile one woman meanders past me, and an older guy stands right up in my shit. I’m bemused. Buncha close talkers out here in the land of vices. The woman finally notices “oh were in line ahead of me”. Uh, Yeah. At the same time the older guy goes “are you in line” No cocksmoker, I’m juggling a baby and a bunch of fucking envelopes b/c I’m expecting the Easter Bunny to hop on by.
I think I’m going to spend my time learning Morse Code so I can summon the Pony Express the next time I need to mail something.
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The Red Tent
Here’s TMI:
So while you are breastfeeding you aren’t supposed to get your period. Unless you are an overachiever like me who’s NEVER been regular (wasn’t supposed to get pregnant – hah) – but now that I’m NOT supposed to have one – It’s clockwork.
So it hits the other night while Scout is gone. Around 11pm it finally dawns on me that I have no supplies and I’m not taking Kaiser out to take care of that. So I’m a resourceful girl – what do I have that’s absorbent and will work?
Breast pad.
For those of you who said – diaper – that would have been a much much better response as the breast pad was …. not wholly successful.
I tell you that to tell you this -
While I was in the store at 7am the next morning to get product, I’m standing on that aisle going … anything but Always, anything but Always.
So I pick medium coverage Carefree. A box of 96.
Get home and realize I’d totally forgotten that Carefree makes LINERS.
Grumble.
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Red Tent Alert!
So Aunt Flo has come to visit again. Now, typically I can get by the first day without having to really address the issue – I mean I don’t have to stop going commando.
Well apparently this one is different. Apparently this one decided t come on immediately. Which I didn’t know until about 11pm when I got off the bed and saw a spot. This is after I’d gotten strawberry juice on the bed anyway. Hotel cleaning service is gonna love me.
Now it’s at this time that I realize all my pads etc are in some storage bin in some part of town. I remember being in my bathroom before we moved, looking at my stash going, eh, might as well pack that, I’m sure that period I got a few weeks ago was just a fluke, what are the chances that me being irregular AND breast feeding are going to yield a period before we get moved in?
Apparently just enough to fuck with me at 11pm when there’s no way I’m waking up Tiny Baby Kaiser to go to the store.
So I remedy the situation with a breast pad in the pants and feel quite smart.
Until I wake up the next morning, sit up to pump and promptly make a spot on the bed the size of… well it’s large.
At this point it occurs to me that the better choice for absorbency in an emergency might have been all the DIAPERS rather than a pad the size of a nipple that’s not really made for this sort of thing.
Yeah.
So to just make today even better…. I haul ass out of here to go to the store to get actual pads. Now I recently read a post on another blog that made me not want to buy Always. I also didn’t feel like I needed a woman diaper, so I opted against Kotex. I’m not quite up to trying tampons after Alex – the geography has changed enough that I don’t want to play that game quite yet. So Carefree. Yeah. My mom used to use Carefree, this seemed like a good choice. I didn’t want a femme diaper so I got “medium coverage” This seemed like a great choice.
Um yeah. It’s a fucking pantiliner. I have 96 “medium coverage” pads that are pantiliners. Don’t let the packaging fool you. It’s a liner. It doesn’t say this anywhere on the box. But it’s a liner.
Oh yeah. This day is just *awesome*.
So I take Alex out on our daily outing. Today it’s to go look at some 300K+ model homes. Two of them. From a builder who’s supposedly known for being top of the line with amenities and such. Figured it would be a good example of what to do when we start upgrading our house in a few weeks. And it meant I could go to Sonic since that was close to the second house.
Alex hasn’t been having a daily splat, which isn’t an issue when kids are on breastmilk. He of course made the splat just after I got my food and just before we got to the second model home. So he’s screaming wanting the yellow velcro splat off his butt, I’m trying to enjoy tater tots with cheese for the first time since February. I eat my tots, I lay him out on the back seat of the car and get him changed.
The rest of the day the child won’t nap. Finally got him to sleep for his second nap about the time he should have been on nap three. So to keep him asleep I slept too. Which worked for me. He woke up still in a crab ass mood. He fell asleep again. Then I was on the phone with Scout and my voice woke him up. So I started the night routine, skipping bath b/c I thought he was too tired, going to lotion and footie jammies and book. Then on to the screaming for a long time. He fell asleep. Finally. He woke up. Re called. I told her I’d call her back. He fell asleep. I held him for 20 minutes. Lay him down. He woke up. I called Scout. I did not tell him I was ready to resign my position as Mom because clearly I sucked at it. I decided it had been long enough that it was time for a diaper change. I got him out of the first diaper, I put the second one on – he was wet – he’d peed out while the diaper was off. Which yes, little boys do, but he hadn’t done it in a long while. At 1020 or so he fell asleep. The cat just then decided she wanted attention. And was determined to get next to the baby. That had to be circumvented. Twice. Baby, he is still asleep.
I look like I’ve been through the ringer. I’m longing for a shower. I’m longing for someone else to wash my hair. And perhaps blow it out straight for me. I’d like to have my toenails painted.
Hell. I’d like to have 15 minutes to clean up the house.
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On My Own
Pretending Scout is in the next room. All alone, I watch the baby twitching ….
So Scout is back in MN for a few days and I am solo flying this parenting thing. I kept today low key as I destroyed morning nap by waking him twice getting him out of the car. I also started bath routine at 645 instead of 800 b/c I knew I was eitehr going to end up with a nap on my hands or an extremely tired baby if I tried to wait till 8. As it was I still got more protesting than I’ve had for the last week. Finally put him in the swing and fell asleep, I got him out when the cat wanted to roam around and it’s easier to keep an eye on the baby than the cat. He slept for the better part of three hours, which is a good thing. Now I’m watching him snuff around and do the light baby sleep thing.
Tomorrow we will hit Georgetown and look at antiques. Seems like something I can do where he can nap on the ride up there and hang out in the sling and either sleep or watch what’s around us. Guess I’ll have to pump in the car or something. We’ll see.
I want my husband.
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new stuff
So it’s going well, all in all. We’ve started a typical bedtime routine – and it’s worked really well – well enough that the first night we didn’t do it he didn’t officially fall asleep till 1230. He tends to fall asleep and then wakes up for a couple minutes and goes back to sleep.
Tonight I think he needed Daddy time. He fell asleep like a champ, woke up and is chilling in Scout’s arms. Lucky boy.
He’s been pay attention to mirrors and his hands and working on hand eye coordination. It’s fun to watch 
In other news I’ve had to pump nonstop for the last week and my nips are soooo over sensitive. They get barely brushed and I cringe.
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