2007 September | Kaiser Mommy

Archive for September, 2007

Sep 30

Girl Power Week

I really don’t mean to have a theme this week, but everything that is on my mind and in my heart to say is all about women’s issues. So, here’s the breakdown of how I think this week’s postings are going to look:

Today was all for Grandma, the one we’re all pretty sure never said mofo. (And ya’ll are SO hilarious for your replies to that!)

Monday – Gonna see how pink I can get the site for Breast Cancer awareness month.

Tuesday – Boobs and Body issues.

Wednesday – Boobs and Breastfeeding

Thursday – Help a sister out, and I’m gonna have a contest!

Friday – I don’t know yet, but it’ll probably have to do with boobs too. (Like showing off my altered nursing bra or something. Woo Hoo!)

Keeping in theme, today someone found my blog by the creepy search of “boobie fascination”.

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Posted in clueless

Sep 30

Dear Grandma,

Ninety two years ago today, you were born.

I have known the details of your life, but it’s only as I get older that I really start to understand you. To me, you were always, “Grandma” and you lived with a determination and a work ethic that made me believe you were born with grey hair and that hard work was what you did for fun.

When you were nine you had polio. You were a little girl and you were so sick. You recovered, but it left you with a limp and one foot smaller than the other. You never complained about the ugly, low heeled, lace up shoes you had to wear, but when we buried you, Mom put a pair of high heeled sandals by your feet so you could dance your way into heaven.

When you were sixteen, you met Grandpa. I was almost 16 the first time I saw the two of you kiss. You always slept in separate rooms as long as I knew you. But that one kiss showed me a different side. Then I learned that so many years ago, the two of you were so smitten with each other that you giggled when you were in the same room together.

You were 35 when your mom died. 35. I can’t even imagine not having my mom when I’m a young mother.

You had cancer. You had a mastectomy. Your body was invaded twice by disease, and twice you won.

You fought your body your entire life. You dieted it to a size that made you tolerate it. I doubt you ever loved it.

You decided you wanted to see more of the world than your tiny midwest town – you took tours to Canada, Alaska and Hawaii. I was mad you were in Hawaii on my birthday. I still have the photo of you in a lei with “that naked man.” (ed Hawaiian dude without a shirt qualified as “naked”)

Grandpa got weaker and weaker, and you cared for him. You never let him go into nursing care. You both knew he wouldn’t live without you. Every time he went in the hospital, you stayed with him. Except that last night… but you still were there when he died. Your partner for 60 years, your husband for 55. You stood by his side, and watched him die. When Mom and I walked into the ICU room and met you, you didn’t cry, you looked me in the eye, you patted my face and said, “You were his idol.” Then the three of us, Grandmother, Mother and Daughter, stood by his bed together. And then we took you home.

It was while you cared for him .. while you kept track of his medicine, cooked his food, cleaned his …. everything … that I found the words you’d copied and taped to the back of the cabinet door. Where the glasses were. The door you would open three times a day while you were prepping meals.
“Lord, I know that nothing will happen today, that you and I can’t handle together.”

Grandma, everything I need to know about faith, you taught me with those handwritten words. Every year I understand a little more the effort it must have taken to keep that faith. You didn’t have an easy life. You didn’t have a dignified death. Your body failed, and then your mind.

I remember you this way.

The older I get, the more I see you in my eyes. Thank you for that gift. Thank you for being my Grandma. I miss you always.

Love,

Dawn

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Posted in Domestic Goddess

Sep 29

How I became an adult

It wasn’t the graduate degree, the husband, the signing my name to a big ass mortgage or the baby. Not even the social security card.

Nope.

It was this.

Now. I know. Most of you are like, huh? what? Big deal.

Oh but just let me tell you.

I get skeeved out by:

1) touching raw meat

2) “bad bites” of food (you know, when you bite into something and there’s something… odd in it…. oh God, my mouth just watered a little bit…. not in a good way)

3) chicken skin

4) the feel of anything slimy

So the idea of dumping a chicken into a bunch of water, boiling it, dismantling it, and then using the byproduct to cook from – never on my list of things to do.

Then my SIL Mrs. Deacon sent me a recipe for Chicken Soup and got all braggy about her mad domestic goddess skillz. (Actually, untrue, her comment was, “Ah, where did the undomesticated Mrs. Deacon go? We like her better …”)

Then I was in the grocery store and they had chicken broth on sale for 3 bucks instead of 3.50. I reached out to get some knowing I already had 3 at home, but chicken broth is one of those things I always need.

I paused. 3 bucks? And for a container I couldn’t recycle?

The time had come.

So today I put the bird in the slow cooker along with onion and carrot. I let it cook. I tore that mofo apart, by hand. I did not gag once. I now have 4 containers of chicken soup starter and 2 containers of straight broth.

I am domestic. I am eco friendly. I am cheap.

I have become my grandmother.

Except I’m pretty sure she never said ‘mofo’.

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Posted in Domestic Goddess

Sep 28

Meme Part Two

Same rules apply as last time

I got tagged by Doodaddy for this 10-question meme.

1. What were you doing ten years ago?

I was teaching 3rd grade, Scout and I were in a weird place in our relationship (again), I’m pretty sure this is the week I had a bladder infection so bad I was convinced the middle of Hell had taken up reference in my body (and for no GOOD (translation: FUN) reason), we were waiting for our godson to be born.

2. What were you doing one year ago?

One year ago today we had our first ultrasound, and we started breathing a little easier that things were going to be okay. We started telling people once we could share photos.

3. What are five snacks you enjoy?

Jalape?ɬ�o poppers. Mac n cheese. Ice cream. Um. Dark chocolate anything. Chips with cottage cheese.

4. What are five songs you know the lyrics to?

Guh. I’ve found that I only really know songs if I have the music along with it. So with that caveat:

Anything by the Indigo Girls prior to 2000. Anything by Depeche Mode prior to 1993. Every song from the Sound of Music. Amazing Grace. “Crabby Baby” lyrics by me, sung to Alex during the season of the evening scream.

5. Five Things You Would Do If You Were A Millionaire

Move to Hannover, Germany for a year – finally learn the language when my eating depended on it. Pay off the bills (yawn). Create the perfect Garanamals wardrobe for myself. Pay someone to make our lawn GREEN and healthy (organically, natch)…. Hm. I’d weekly complete spa treatments – head to nails to toe. Okay fine. For Scout too

6. Five Bad Habits

Nail biting, being sedimentary when I should be moving, my fucking foul fucking mouth, not writing my Grandma often enough, general laziness, not trying to actually do my hair.
7. Five Things You Like To Do

Sleep. Kiss the Scout, Have fun people come visit me, Make the baby laugh, make crafty stuff while watching tv.

8. Five Things You Would Never Wear

Hm. Gauchos make me look stumpy. Shrugs make me look like all boobs. Same for empire waist, but add in pregnant. I detest Tshirts that were free with loads of graphics on them that don’t fit and don’t flatter any woman. Ever. Ankle boots.

9. Five Favorite Toys

Garmin GPS, all things knitting, MacBook Pro, my former Blue Dolphin (rest in peace), my camera.

10. Five Things You Hate To Do

Make phone calls to people I don’t know extremely well. Touch slimy things. Use knives. Drive when I don’t know my way around. Run.

I’m specifically tagging Jackie. I’d like to hear from Flutter and TwoShews. As like before – anyone can either swerve to miss my tag, or come in for a big ole meme tag hug – I’m all inclusive here. No one gets deliberately left out in Kaiser Alex land!

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Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Sep 27

Fantasy Island

Veronica got me all dreamy today, so I thought I’d write a little story of a fantasy day.

I woke gently, to the sound and smell of fresh rain. The room was slightly cold, but not too much. I snuggled closer to Scout, as he held baby Kaiser gently in his arms. He shifted against me and we fell asleep for a snooze in our comfortable, little boy pee free bed, after 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep. The cat curled her tail around her nose as she snuggled Scout’s always cold feet and fell asleep as well. Not begging or scratching for tuna. Tuna could wait.

An hour later we all woke to the smell of free trade organic White Chocolate Mocha (calorie free) wafting up from the 24 hour Caribou Coffee that was placed within easy walking distance from our bedroom. (Always convenient to walk to as the temp is a constant 72 degrees and sunny between my front door and theirs). I rose from the bed, passing the well loved Medela pump and instead going to the refrigerator to dispense a bottle of perfectly warm breast milk from where the water dispenser normally was. I took it upstairs to the Kaiser, where he graciously drank his bottle, let out a belch and settled in to the serious business of being too cute for words as he giggled and amazed us with his piano abilities – uncanny for a 5 month old.

After the Kaiser settled in for the first of his three 2 hour naps of the day, Scout and I snuggled in for a little Bow Chicka Wow Wow, as his hand slid across my cellulite and stretch mark free, gently tanned skin I [edited by management. uncool to make readers jealous over your superior sex life]. I slid into my size 8, Seven for all Mankind jeans I’d found on sale for 15 dollars and we headed out to lunch.

For lunch, I ate a (calorie free) double bacon cheeseburger with fries and a Dr. Pepper that tasted as yum as when I was in my second trimester.

Deciding to do a little work around the house, I painted the bathroom and master bedroom. The paint slid on perfectly, only requiring one coat. I was saved from having to place blue tape all around the edges because of the special formula of “never adhering to any surface but the one you intend” paint. [oh to hell with it, I just painted it on with my lightsaber, okay].

We spent the rest of the day watching a “for our eyes only” boxed set of Season Four of Grey’s Anatomy.

And we fell asleep, curled together, knowing we would again get 9 hours of sleep in a little boy pee free bed.

The End.

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Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Sep 26

Meme tag

* Mr. Lady at Whiskey in my sippy cup answered my interview questions, and OMG is she funny. She even pays homage to my boobie fascination, go check her out and give her some love.

I got tagged by Jennifer for my first meme. I think blog meme’s are fun for two reasons: 1) I don’t care if it’s supposed to rhyme with ‘dream’, I always read it me-me – cuz it’s all about … me me me 2) Isn’t my entire blog all about me? Anyway, Jennifer would like me to channel this randomness into some actual linear fashion so here goes. Let’s see if I can follow the rules (for once).

List one fact, word or tidbit that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your first or middle name. You can theme it to your blog or make it general. Then tag one person for each letter of your name.

D – I am a D-cup wanna be. If I ever actually fit into a D cup, I will probably bore you with scantily clad photographs of myself. As opposed to this, of course. I’m gonna lose this mommy weight – 161 today. (Slow but sure. The Peanut Butter custard gets in the way.)

A – Artsy fartsy. I have an entire closet of crafty stuff. I just need to get to use them more. I have more knitting projects in progress than I can immediately count. Then there’s the scrapbooking, the cross stitch….

W – Willful. Synonymous with Stubborn. It’s gotten me everything important in my life – degree, husband, baby. It does not, however, seem to establish the correct way to hang the toilet paper in the master bathroom. Someday.

N – Nail biter. I’m not proud of this, but I’m a lifetime nail biter. And not just a little bit of a nibbler, full on shred the nails biter. I’ve grown out my nails less than five times in my life, I love them and I look so good with them… but all it takes is one bad/bored/stressed hour and they are all gone. It was seriously easier to quit smoking than to break this habit.

If you’ve read this far, please consider this your chance to be tagged – so you can either swerve and miss my hand flailing out to tag you, or you can come and give me a big ole hug and accept the tag.

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Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Sep 26

Site Bling

I’ve been awarded bling. You wouldn’t think that a small graphic could make me smile so wide – but it really does. In the words of Sally Fields “If mother’s ruled the world….” no, no, not that one. This one:

You like me! You really like me!

First, Jackie gave me this sexy little bling:

Which I would like to also pass on to Mrs. Flipphead who has spent many keystrokes talking me out of my tree of sleep deprivation. Thank you, thank you.

Then, when my heart was already full (and no, that’s not just my boobs in the new bra), WorksForMom gave me this brand spanking new appreciative bling:

Which, for now, I am passing on to Sara (who’s fault this blog is) … and just so my intentions are clear, this is appreciation for you my friend, but it’s also ~~a bribe~~ encouragement to make that other blog public.

I will award more in time, but this feels like a good start. Thank you for reading, I like it here.

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Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Sep 25

Technical assistance … help

Dear reader,

I love my iPhoto, but today it’s being an (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted).

As you can tell, my header is different, since it is the Kaiser’s 5 month birthday, I thought I would post a new header photo.

For some reason when I crop it to constrain to 770×200 it makes it LOOK like it’s doing it, however it’s still full pixels, which means when I post it you only get a tiny part of the photo. Now I have the photo up which is an improvement, but clearly it looks like (expletive deleted) because it’s too small to take up the entire header.

So, dear reader, anyone out there willing to have me email you a full size photo of the Kaiser, you crop it to 770×200 for me and email it back to me?

Thanks,

Love, me.

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Posted in Mommy Related Stuff

Sep 25

Tuesday’s Tatas

Bra shopping was a complete success. Mrs. Forbes and I entered the store with our two strollers and watched business come to an immediate halt as the baby gushing began. I browsed the drawer for my size and pulled out five that seemed like likely candidates.

This bra was the only winner. I got it in blue, it’s so pretty. I had them go look for anything else that might also work, when they came back, it was me, Alex, and two shop girls in the small dressing room. (One shopgirl was training the other.) They tried me in a few other bras, including nursing bras. Nothing was as good as the one I’d found myself. So while it’s still not pregnancy size, it’s totally +5 on the Mommy’s Point System scale.

It’s always a surreal experience to have another woman put on my bra FOR me. I always do the fasten in front, shimmy around, pull straps up, hoist the girls in place method. They do the Put arms through, bend at the waist, shake into place, stand, fasten in back method. To top it off, she would come around and ADJUST MY BOOBIES into place. After childbirth, this was nothing, at least my pants were on.

Meanwhile, the Kaiser got pissed and the shopgirl in training picked him up and entertained him so I could actually get on with the bra shopping. Awesome.

The nursing bras were a huge bust (hardy har har). All was not lost, however. Shopgirl says, while holding new pretty bra:

“We can have this altered into a nursing bra for you for free.”

Did she just say free?

So, I did what any girl would do – I bought the pretty blue one intact, I bought the same bra in white to send off to be altered into a nursing bra. It should be here late next week. I totally can not wait!

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Posted in Nekkid Stuff

Sep 24

We miss us.

There’s a little cloud over our home tonight. Scout and I spent the last five days having drinks and laughing and talking to our friends. Our friends. In person. In their home. In our home.

We spent two nights with my brother Forbes and family. When we arrived home in the land of the vices we had the Taters waiting for us. The Taters took their time falling for our little Kaiser … and while they were enjoying the baby, Scout and I enjoyed getting to walk around without a little Kaiser attached to us, we were cooked for, we were endlessly entertained …. I finished a knitting project …. Scout drank many beers with his bud …

The Taters made this our home this weekend. Now we’re left with another day at the office, another out of town trip for Scout … and we’re wondering what to look forward to next …

Tomorrow I’ll be more uplifting … guess what I’ll be all perky and talking about?

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Posted in Issues

Sep 23

Here’s yer sign

We went to eat the other night – we’ll call the place Bob’s.

Hostess (as she’s walking us to our table): Have you ever eaten at Bob’s before?

Me: no

Hostess: So is this your first time?

I paused for a moment, hoping she would realize what she’d said. I mean, we all say stupid things.

She didn’t get it.

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Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Sep 22

Must …. pimp …. product …..

I’m whoring for free again. But I saw these over at Cool Mom Picks and I just can’t help myself. I want everything in this shop. Girl stuff, boy stuff… all of it..

http://www.naturalpod.com/shop/

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Posted in Domestic Goddess

Sep 22

Home Again Home Again

Jiggety jig. Home Again, Home Again, I ate like a pig.

No, seriously. I ate my weight in … whatever I could get my hands on and then I had drinks too!

Thanks for sticking around and playing while I was gone – I have tons of comments to reply to, an interview to send out …. AND …. I have great bra stories! My bra shopping has a happy ending!

I think I might have to make Monday’s something special – like “Boobie Monday” or something. Hm. Maybe I should have a contest to name my “Boobie Monday” something better than that…

More stories to come, just wanted to check in and let ya’ll know we made it home.

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Posted in Mommy Related Stuff