2007 September | Kaiser Mommy

Archive for September, 2007

Sep 21

How to clean out a pantry

18 months ago, I started a diet plan recommended by my brother Forbes (no, I’m not mentioning it by name, they aren’t paying me, and I’ve free whored enough stuff this week). Number one on the list of things to do was clear out the high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated blah-b’blah from the house.

I ended up with a small pile of offenders on the countertop.

On the countertop sat the following items:

graham cracker pie crust

chocolate pudding

whipped topping.

Now what should I do… What. Should. I. Do? I was starting a new eating plan… I needed to get this food out of my house….

The chocolate pie with whipped topping tasted great.

I’m pretty sure this isn’t what they had in mind when they said to get rid of the food.

Effective though.

And tasty.

5
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Posted in Nekkid Stuff

Sep 20

Happy Feet

Just before Christmas, when I was in 2nd grade, the music teacher asked two other girls and me to sing a solo to our class. The other two girls were very shy and embarrassed about it.

I, on the other hand, belted it out. I knew the song, so I sang it loud ‘n proud ‘n on key.

That night, my mom got a phone call from the high school music teacher. Did I want to be in the high school musical? Was it okay with mom if I was in the high school musical?

Yes and yes.

I remember telling Mom, “Oh, that must have been why we had to sing in class today, the other two girls were really quiet, but I wasn’t, I’ll bet that’s how I got the part.”

“My name is Marta, I’m going to be seven on Tuesday, and I’d like a pink parasol.”

(name that play)

I spent the rest of the year singing myself to sleep at night, and apparently the rest of the house too.

On stage at age 8, all because I was ballsy enough to sing out when I knew how.

Then that girl disappeared. Replaced with someone shy and scared of being noticed. For any reason.

I went from the brave girl who sang out to the shy girl scared of anyone hearing my voice.

By the time I was a sophomore in high school, I was tone deaf. No tunes carried in any buckets.

Since Alex was born, I sing again, but always when it’s just us in the room. I’m still not singing to an audience.

Or so I thought. I made a comment to Scout involving my heinous songbird skillz and he said, “I *like* hearing you sing around the house.”

I stood totally still in the kitchen and let that process.

The next day found me belting out to Alex:

“The hills are alive! With the Sound of Music!”

I sounded just fine. I’d sounded just fine for a while. About 20 weeks or so.

***

I don’t watch cartoon movies. I always grumble about it when people are surprised that haven’t seen whatever cool animated movie is out. I remind them that the last movie I saw in the theater was Oceans 12 (12, not 13) and that I don’t usually get to watch the movies with actual actors in it that I want to see, so no, I have not seen a movie with drawn characters.

Except Happy Feet. It was on Pay Per View, so we gave it a watch.

I love that movie.

Apparently, Alex taught me my heart song.

Thank you, baby.

I have limited computer access till Friday – if you don’t hear from me, it’s because I’m suffering from internet withdrawal.

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Posted in Issues

Sep 19

MILF

Look, I get it. I get that the whole MILF thing has evolved into some dumb ass “you must be perfect and look as if you’ve never been pregnant or looked at a cookie” mentality. I get that Britney gets called fat just because she doesn’t look like she used to – and that’s wrong. I get that Salma Hayek is taking a ration of shit because she actually looks pregnant with her entire body, and not like she’s smuggling a basketball.

However, I also remember the first time I heard the term and how hard I laughed.

It was awwesome. Those two teenage boys licking the frame and going apeshit over Jennifer Coolidge.

I mean LOOK at her. She’s fucking hawt, yo.

She’s hot and she does NOT:

1. weigh less than 110 pounds.

2. look like a 20 year old.

3. have skinny thighs

She DOES:

1. carry herself with confidence

2. dress for HER body type

3. exude an “I could be the best thing to ever happen to you” aura

And THAT, my friends, is what I have in mind when I think of MILF. I’m done being a little girl, and I’m sick of all the images that keep trying to tell me that I’m supposed to aspire to be 15 forever.

(I do wish that every time I typed MILF that I didn’t type MILK first, makes proofing a real bithc… bitch.)

I have limited computer access till Friday, if I don’t reply to a comment right away it means I’m having withdrawal pains from lack of internet.

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Posted in Weight

Sep 18

Interview Questions

SAHMmy of SAHMmy Says had this little blog go-around. And I came to it by way of What Works for Us

Leave me a comment saying ?��Ǩ?�Interview me.?��Ǩ�� I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. If you don?��Ǩ�Ѣt have a valid email address on your blog, please provide one. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

So are you brave enough to be interviewed? Come on . . . step right up. Any volunteers?

1) Which do you dislike more: shopping for new jeans or going to the dentist?

Totally the dentist, I’m trapped in a chair, having to listen to a dental tech bitch for 45 minutes about how I should floss. I don’t floss. Seriously, I feel like I’ve accomplished something in my day if I actually get to brush my teeth, not just buff the plaque off with my tshirt. (Speaking of… I have 30 seconds free… I’m going to go brush right now!)

2) What is one thing you’d like to accomplish by Friday

Buying a bra that is pretty and actually fits me without using the bra expander.

3) What’s the worst or best advice you were ever given?

Best: When I was a freshman in college, I had 200 dollars for the month of September for spending money. I had it all spent by the end of August. I called my mom in tears because I felt like such a tool. She sent me 200 more dollars, this time in 4 envelopes containing 50 dollars each. The advice was to give yourself a weekly allowance because it’s a heck of a lot easier to go a few days without any cash than a few weeks without any cash. She was right. I still have an allowance – although I list it as “Cabana Boys and Bonbons” in the budget, just to keep Scout on his toes.

4) How full is your glass?

I am well rested. It it 7/8th full.

5) Where (other than home) would your ruby slippers take you?

Hannover, Germany. Scout and I were there last summer and it felt like home as soon as we got off the train. Part of my family came from there in the 1840s and something about it just felt familiar to me. We’d also just been in Paris for a week, and the change of pace was wonderful. Even with all the World Cup madness around that we accidentally stumbled in to.

7
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Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Sep 17

Workin’ a nerve

*This post is going to be all about boobs. In keeping with my prior entries, please go check this out. She’s my new hero.*

I have boobs. Big boobs. I could share boobs with each of my readers and still not end up flat chested. Pregnancy and nursing, not doing me any favors.

I get really pissed off when I have to go bra shopping. I also get really pissed off when I hear about how we should all get fitted because most women are wearing the wrong size bra.

Well, yes, when all American bra manufacturers assume that if you have big boobs that you also have a big rib cage.

When I can’t walk into Smutty’s Secret, or Tarzhay, or any freaking department store and actually find a bra that fits, yes, I get bitter and pissy.

I’ve been ashamed of my boobs since puberty hit. I remember not even wanting the flower on the bra because it was too much fluff. Then I remember not being able to find a bra that fit. When I finally found a bra at Nordy’s and they graciously took a 38 and altered it to be a 32, I had my first well fitting bra – at age 22. After that I found a store in Phoenix that I spent most of my paychecks at for many months until I moved away. Then I started ordering online. When we went to Europe last year, we specifically went to London so I could get bras here. (And those bitches REALLY should send me free stuff for all the free advertising I’ve done for them over the years.)

So here’s my secret. I’ve told you my weight, but now I tell you this.

When I was measured last June I was a 32 H.

There. I said it.

(And don’t even get me started on how fucking impossible it has been to find a nursing bra that isn’t a complete joke. I go braless most of the time – because it’s easier, and quite frankly, they aren’t getting any perkier so I might as well be comfortable. Some day I won’t be nursing anymore and I will hoist them back into pretty pretty princess bras. For now it’s all boring nude all the time.)

However, there’s hope, this week I get to go here. (Man, I’m pimpin’ business for way too many people in this post. Believe me, I’m getting nothing monetary out of it, this is strictly public service announcement.) They should have *something* to fit and make me smile. AND I just discovered that when you go to the ‘search for a store‘ link they actually give places that are NOT their own company. I find it completely amazing that a business is so committed to hooking women up with the correct size that they will refer a customer to the “competition”. I suddenly have a whole newfound respect for a company. I might have to buy two bras from them this week!

Sports bras are as much of a problem. It was my comment over here that prompted this rant.

And also because I’m a bit of an attention hog, and since I posted the freakiest boobie shit I’ve ever seen over there – I totally wanted to share it with ya’ll too. (Even though Kelly totally sent me link love.)

It’s not completely safe for work, if for no other reasons than your gasps and snorts may attract some attention.

Shock-o-meter

It’s … shocking all right.

(I’m ending my rant here. Please ask questions, send this on to people you think might benefit from it, I’m a little obsessed with the topic because the happier I am about my girls, the happier I am in general – I can’t be the only one.)

14
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Posted in Nekkid Stuff

Sep 16

Baby Food

So, even though I’ve read time and again that babies really are better off on exclusive breast milk till 6 months old, and I really prefer this idea over the whole tiny bits of packaged and mushy food (have I mentioned how much I *hate* mushy food?) when our pediatrician said we could start giving Alex food at 4 months we went straight to the grocery store.

See, I’m barely keeping up on milk for the boy. I’ve tapped into the frozen reserves and only have 12oz left. Even if I think formula is fine … I apparently think it’s fine for the rest of the world, but I really don’t want to use it. Apparently, I am more comfortable with food and milk rather than formula and milk. I have no logic to it.

So he’s been lusting over the applesauce, and barely tolerating the bananas.

Please tell me you caught the *immediate* problem here.

Um. Applesauce and bananas are binders. I might as well have fed him Elmer’s Glue and Wonder Bread, poor kid. So we’ve now gone to prune juice and baby massage.

Please don’t let the gypsies take me away. I like it here.

6
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Posted in I have no idea

Sep 15

Organic Sheets

On the cheap.

I used the 20% off coupon and got a set of full sheets for 34 bucks. Then I got the crappy 20 dollar polyester gross mattress pad. Sigh. But it’s all about baby steps right?

I’m less in love with them now that I’ve washed and dried them because they wrinkle like a mutha. But I’ll get over it, especially since it might be because I had the dryer set on “nuclear”.

(Yes, I said dryer, remember, baby steps.)

3
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Posted in Domestic Goddess

Sep 14

Follow me …

Today I’m taking care of The Dana Files … come see me there….

1
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Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Sep 14

Fitness Friday – for Flinger

Oh alliteration, you are SO much fun!

(The Flinger reference is for her.)

Knowing that I was due to deliver in April, it was safe to say that I had no expectations of being in my normal two piece by summer.

(To explain, I buy 2 pieces b/c my top and bottom are so out of proportion to each other that I don’t normally have much of a choice in the matter. Either the girls are falling out or my ass is baggy.)

I found a way cute, non black swimsuit and ordered it immediately.

What happened next… well… I’ll let you read:

Dear Self,

When you are 37 weeks pregnant, and you receive clothes you ordered for post pregnancy, it’s okay to try on the nursing bra, it’s okay to try on the shirts – especially when you find the shirts are actually stretchy enough to wear right freaking now, which is a beautiful thing since you are so sick of all of your clothes.

However, DO NOT get cocky and try to try on the one piece swimsuit, purchased to cover the stretch marks. You are NOT smart enough these days to put together the fact that when the swimsuit will NOT go up over your thighs that this is a SIGN that you clearly HAVE put on the recommended 30 pounds of baby weight and NOT a sign of a defective swimsuit. Do NOT then go and put on another swim suit – b/c even when it goes over your thighs it will barely stretch over your stomach – leaving your nipples slightly exposed. You need to go and thank God that you didn’t fall on your butt while you were tangled up in the swimsuit in the first place.

Love,
Me

***

The swimsuit I ordered looked like this:

The way it looks on me is:

Poor little brown stripes, you didn’t stand a chance.

8
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Posted in Nekkid Stuff, Weight

Sep 13

Keepin’ the spark alive

Excerpt from a recent email conversation btw Scout and I (italics are my commentary)

Me:

Call Kaiser’s old pediatrican’s office and see what you need to fax for release (I then supply numbers like a good wife.)

Alex tinkled on the big boy potty. (Yes, we already put the baby on the potty – I’m home all day, it breaks the monotony of the diapers.)

Scout:

Called pediatrician.?Ǭ� Got answering machine.

Just need Kaiser’s medical records, correct??Ǭ� (Obviously not mine as they didn’t treat me.)

Yea Alex!!!!?Ǭ� for tinkles in the potty.

Me:

yeah, just alex’s records. guess it would help if i gave you a fax number
(supplied fax number here)

alex is now in boobies t shirt taking 3rd bad/too short/grumpybutt nap of the day. after a SECOND potty tinkle!

Jesus. What has happened to us?

Here. Just to balance out all the tinkle talk.

1
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Posted in Mommy Related Stuff

Sep 13

Anonymous Anonymity

Yeah, say that one four times fast…. I’ll wait…

Ready to get some stuff off your chest but you don’t want the entire world knowing it’s you saying it? Go check ‘er out and get your stories started

0
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Posted in Mommy Related Stuff

Sep 12

!

My mom had brought me boxes and boxes of stuff I’d never taken when I’d moved in with Scout. These boxes went straight on the truck, unopened, when we moved to the land of the vices.

I’ve been unpacking, and I ran across this:

Here it is enhanced. In case it isn’t immediately obvious what it is:

Can someone please, please explain to me what freaing marketing ploy got me to buy a thong pantiliner?

And what is it with me and pantyliners anyway?

And which is right? pantYliner or pantIliner? My spell check dislikes both.

7
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Posted in Nekkid Stuff

Sep 11

Just a normal day.

Today was just a normal day.

We woke.

We took a photo.

We got lost in town.

We went to the Farmer’s Market.

We went to see Scout at work.

We talked to my SIL.

We napped.

While Alex napped, I read. And my heart was touched many times.

MetroDad – who lost his friend

From the Frontlines – who knew her husband would fight and defend

The Dana Files/This Full House – who smelled New York

WhyMommy – who watched the smoke in DC

Growing a Pair who wonders just how do we teach our children about our world now?

JurgenNation – who echos my heart the closest.

It’s the ties flying up in the air. It’s the jumping out of the buildings that shook me most (still does). No one gets up in the morning, puts on a tie and goes to work expecting to jump out a window knowing this is the end. No one does that.

I wish six years ago today would have stayed just a normal day.

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Posted in Domestic Goddess