We went to the ped last week, and on the 4 month information they gave us was this line:

“Many babies sleep through the night by this time.”

Oh. My. Gaw.

Now, I really should have asked for definition of terms of the word “many” and the phrase “sleep through the night” because what those words translated as in my exhausted “oh. my. gaw. I’m never getting a full night of sleep again” brain is:

“Every baby but YOURS is sleeping 12 hours at a stretch by this time, so if you are so fucking tired you could fucking die, it’s your own fucking fault.” (When I get tired, my adjectives decrease to only my favorite one.)

I need advice. I need to hear from every single person who has a baby who did/does any of the following:

Screams when he’s snuggled down to nap – at the FIRST possible sign of being tired (negating the over tired argument – I did read my Pantley).

Does NOT scream when Daddy walks him around the house to go to sleep – either at night or during the day.

Does NOT scream when I put him in the wrap and walk him around the house to go to sleep during the day.

Apparently sleeps with one eye open like a cat, because as soon as I try to shift him out of wrap – fuhgeddaboudit, he’s awake, nap is ruined, screaming commences, and we’re farther and farther away from getting those 15 hours of needed sleep a day.

Will. Not. Sleep. at night. for long. for the last three weeks. Wakes, kicks, if not fed will commence that I’m asleep but I’m still going to cry and keep everyone awake cry.

Will. Not. Allow me to give him the bottle for a few minutes till he is CLEARLY not drinking, and then take it away – see above.

If your baby has/had any of these issues, please tell me that I will not die from this. That someday he will sleep a decent chunk of time. That I’m not a freaking failure as a parent because My. Baby. Will. Not. Sleep.

I’m so tired, I don’t even want advice, just tell me someday it will be okay.

So, I’m in the process of registering a domain name and moving stuff around. It’s been on my mind for a while, and I want to do the BlogHer ads. Why? Well. 1) I think BlogHer does good stuff. The articles that tick through my reader are generally well written and intelligent. I get to read articles about current events that appear factual without the scary media shock n awe bias. So part of the ad money goes to them to support what they do. And I can live with that. I appreciate that emails are friendly between the staffers and I, and that I get responses from real people, not auto spit backs. (or links that are broken and forms that can’t be filled in. Yes, I’m looking at you, G00g1e.)

2) of course the allure of making some money off what I do every day. Because it’s hard out here for a pimp mommy. There’s very little I can do given the restraints of my current dictator child.

Other than my freshman year of college, I’ve had a paycheck continuously from when I was a senior in high school. I can make a killer budget and stick with it. I budgeted so well for year three of teaching that I still have money in the bank, and will have money to call my own until November.

Please notice the “money to call my own” part of things.

Scout and I are pretty independent. We have our rigid individual ways of doing things when it comes to finances. We’ve always had it divided that I pay for xyz and he pays for abc and whatever money we have left over is our business. This has worked perfectly well for us.

Now, once my checking account is empty, I have NO MONEY. Regardless of the fact that no one else can mother our child and moo on a pump all the live long day to give him food, it’s still not a paying gig, and it’s …. it makes me quit breathing when I try to visualize what it will be like when I have no money I have made on my own and I have to ask, ASK hubs for money for something that isn’t a bill or food or fuel.

Don’t even for a minute picture Scout as some Scrooge who will penny pinch and not share what he makes. This is my issue, not his. All he can do is helplessly stand by and admit, “I would feel weird if I was the one not making cash for the house too.” Otherwise, he doesn’t know what to say, and he hates that I feel so uncomfortable about it.

So yes, I will put every ad imaginable along side my words. I will sell off anything on ebay that doesn’t seem necessary in my house … I will do what I can to keep that fear at bay, and put off for another week the day that I swipe my debit card and it pops up “are you kidding me, go get a J. O. B.”

I’m scared that my worth is tied to a dollar figure, and that when the dollars are gone my worth will disappear as well.