2008 March | Kaiser Mommy

Archive for March, 2008

Mar 20

First Words

Alex babbled mama and dadad yesterday. I know it’s just a fluke, but he’s babbling them, and it’s really nice to hear. Even if I do have to sit back and go ,”omgwtf I’M the MOM.”

I wonder what his first words will be.

I wonder exactly what my first words were.

I don’t know for sure because there are two versions to the story.

Version 1.

We lived over the family business, and sometimes Dad would have events that would start at 7pm. On these nights, my mom would have dinner made and ready for him to eat around 6pm. It never failed that he’d get the first forkful of food halfway to his mouth and the door would ding that someone was early.

His comment was always, “Goddamn people.” As he put down his food and walked downstairs. (In the days before the microwave this was truly sucky because there was no reheating dinner.)

One night, event scheduled, fork almost to mouth, door dings.

From the high chair, the angelic daughter (aka me) chimes in, “Goddamn people.”

Version 2.?Ǭ�

My Dad had a tendency to be SUPER nice and chatty on the phone. Often he would complete his smoke blowing up ass conversation and hang the phone up and then exclaim an emphatic, “SUNUVABITCH!” (It really should have been “sumbitch” considering where we lived, but I digress.)

You can, of course, see where this is going.

I had a few old phones that I played with. There I was, babbling away in a cheery voice. Then I hung up the phone and angelic daughter (aka me) exclaimed an emphatic, “SUNUVABITCH!”

I can only hope Alex’s first words don’t happen while I’m driving, if they do, I predict they’re gonna be, “Fucking idiot” or “Move it jackass!”

26
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Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Mar 19

Morning Me Trilogy

I see the cool kids (Redneck Mommy, Mrs. Flinger, OTJ) are doing it and I want in. I think it originated with Sweetney, but I’m not sure, I’m just jumping in.

(the fact I love the word “truthiness” also a plus here)

I was planning to do this, then got up Saturday morning and realized my hair had morphed into the most awesometastic style ever created by a pillow, and I knew it was time to share.

Dawn in the Morning. A Trilogy of Beautruthiness.

I now have this song in my head:

Do your boobs hang low

Can you tie em in a knot

Can you tie em in a bow

Can you throw em over your shoulder

Like a Continental Soldier

Do your boobs. hang. low?

Hee!

(ed: oops! I was supposed to put the others on the post as well. My bad!)

HBM
Sweetney
Breed ‘Em & Weep
Missus Mamalogues
Mrs. Flinger
Ms. MotherBumper
Izzy
OTJ
Loralee
CamiKaos
Petroville
Redneck
The Wink
Hot Chocolate
Mamma Loves
Cheese Blog
Sarcastic Mom
Alex Year One
Liv
Melanie
Sarah
SueBob
Sleepless

34
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Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Mar 18

Conversation between siblings

Deacon: Alex sounds just like Little Deacon 1

Me: I don’t know how we ended up with such stubborn kids

Deacon: Must be from our spouses

Me: Clearly they didn’t get it from you and I

At this point I’m pretty sure our respective spouses had rendered themselves blind from the excessive eyerolling. Which is silly, cuz we aren’t stubborn.

This conversation from siblings who got in a huge disagreement a few years back, didn’t speak for years, arranged to miss holidays where the other was present (cuz we aren’t stubborn) and only suffered through sitting in the same room together when I was already AT Grandma’s when Dad arrived and told me two of my brothers were arriving shortly. I said, “You’d BETTER mean Prof and Forbes.” He just walked away. That disagreement was finally settled by he and I each writing a singular long ass diatribe to the other stating all of our grievances and never speaking of it again.

Technically neither of us have ever apologized for any of that. (Cuz we aren’t stubborn.)

How about you? Are you stubborn?

…

ps Click the HoF’oSho button on the top left corner of the screen to find out how you can make your purchases at Good for the Kids be Good for the Sarcastic Mom.

pps Still recruiting guest bloggers for the 26th-April 1st. Don’t be shy, c’mon! Play with my blog!

25
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Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Mar 17

NaNoWriMonday – 3:5

Beginning

LaVerne spent her first night in the house sitting by the front door. The air smelled like damp summertime. The air was cool, and a little balmy. It was mid May, lilacs were blooming, there were stars in the sky. It was a beautiful night by anyone?��Ǩ�Ѣs standards, it was beautiful to her because it had been so long since she had felt night air on her skin. So long since she had sat in a chair and was physically comfortable and also knew who and where she was.

Words came to her. ?��Ǩ?�She is not in pain, she is not scared.?��Ǩ�� She could feel her daughter?��Ǩ�Ѣs words. ?��Ǩ?�This is a happy day.?��Ǩ�� Her daughter?��Ǩ�Ѣs words again. Somehow her daughter understood that everything was okay. That she was safe, that all was well.

LaVerne did not know how she knew these words or that they were her daughter?��Ǩ�Ѣs worlds. It didn?��Ǩ�Ѣt matter just now as the words brought her comfort and made her feel that she could truly relax and let go of that old life. She could choose to be concerned about her son, but for now she was going to remain confident that the world was as it should be and there was no work left for her to do.

She watched the stars in the sky. She looked for shapes in the stars. Triangles, squares, rombuses. She never knew the actual constellations, she had preferred her own forms that she could find on her own. She looked at the moom with this bright light yellow and its darker gray craters. Once she had taught children about this moon, about this Erath. She had no idea where she was now, but it was no place that she had ever taught from any textbook. It wasn?��Ǩ�Ѣt even a place she had pictured in any Bible or any Sunday school class.

A chair scraped behind her, Leta came to hold her hand. To mother her daughter in this doorway as had been done since time immemorial. They sat in silence because I can not think of any dialogue to write for them right now, and I must keep writing because I wanted to write four thousand words today and I?��Ǩ�Ѣve only just begun. I am so tired from this long day mothering the little boy that I would adore the chance to just fall asleep, but that can not happen yet. There is water to be drunk, the left freedom breast to be pumped, and then some sleep can follow. But until then, I will jump ahead in this scene and write what came to me over dinner.

LaVerne asked, ?��Ǩ?�How did we do it? How did we work so hard for so many years? I learned by watching you, your habits, I took them for my own, but how did we make it work? My girls never kept house like I did, never had meals like I did. I don?��Ǩ�Ѣt understand how we made it happen.?��Ǩ��

Leta sat for a while, picturing her own life and her own kitchen and her own four square home behind the grocery store in town. ?��Ǩ?�Would it have been okay for you to have had a messy home??��Ǩ��

LaVerne almost laughed at the idea, ?��Ǩ?�No, Mother, my home was my control, my home was always peaceful. My home was safe. A messy home would not have let me felt safe.?��Ǩ��

?��Ǩ?�Well then, who would have kept that home clean if not you??��Ǩ��

?��Ǩ?�Well, Charles would have done a bit, he was never a messy man, you saw his workshop. But he never cooked a meal in all his years.?��Ǩ��

?��Ǩ?�So who would have kept the house clean??��Ǩ�� Leta pressed.

?��Ǩ?�No one.?��Ǩ��

?��Ǩ?�And who would have cooked the meals??��Ǩ��

?��Ǩ?�No one.?��Ǩ��

?��Ǩ?�You have your answer, daughter. We made it work because it was the only way we could picture living, and there was no one else to do the work. That is what started cooking the meals at five in the afternoon, every afternoon. That is what cleaned up after the meal at the 630 in the evening, every evening. We were the only ones who would be doing it, no one was coming along behind us to lend a hand. It was our home and it was up to us to take care of it.?��Ǩ��

?��Ǩ?�Do you think that was the right way??��Ǩ�� LaVerne asked.

3
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Posted in NaNoWriMonday

Mar 16

Bloggy Business

I was so funny this week that Psychicgeek gave me her Peep of the Week award for a comment I made on her blog!

I won $50 to Good for the Kids! I spent it well and THEN I went and spent more so that Lotus could get some financial love from Alex’s birthday present. Want to give Lotus love??Ǭ� Click here for how to help.

And finally, I’m looking for guest posters for March 25th and April 2nd, if you are interested, drop me a note in the comments and I’ll get ya hooked up with a date.

Happy Sunday all y’all – hope you have had a great weekend!

12
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Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Mar 15

Showin’ Off – Season Change

Oh sweet readers. I’m so glad I told you TWO weeks ago that I was going to paint my toes and get my feet ready for summer. Don’t you just know I painted them at 9pm on Friday night? I can at least say that I have improved the status of my feet, thanks to this challenge.

What are you doing to get ready for the season change? (Click the link for the original challenge.) Need inspiration? LSM, tpgoddess, and Grandy have posted what they have done for the change of the seasons – perhaps that will help

Or maybe some bling?

Look! It’s a bracelet so pretty you won’t notice poor photography or a messy bathroom! (My flash has declined to work all week – good times!) Post your post about what you are doing to get ready for the season change and I’ll draw a winner from the entries. Sign Mr. Linky so others can find your post.

Happy Saturday!

14
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Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Mar 14

Haiku Alex’s Bedtime

(clickin?��Ǩ�Ѣ the logo may take you to more haikus)

once upon a time

i would sprawl in bed with my

breasts all hanging out

used to be signal

to scout for lovin’, now it’s

just milk for alex

28
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Posted in Kaiser Mommy

Mar 13

Lotus: HoF’oSho

Ya’ll have met my Loter right? The uber Sarcastic Mom?

What? She doesn’t splay her limbs out seductively for you? Just me? Right on. Just as it should be!

Well. My girl is having a run of luck that is more like a run of suck, and I’m not talking suck of a fun kind of time (such as a GLOW JOB) I’m talking a moldy, haywire thyroid, rock/hard place/monsoon/typhoon/threesome with Spitzer and Ferraro kind of suck luck run.

Enter Lotus: HoF’oSho, the brain child of the beautiful Angie at A Whole Lot of Nothing and the sista project Change for Change, compliments of my heart friend Victoria at VDog and Little Man.

For complete deets, head to Lotus: HoF’oSho to find out how you can help the Lotus feel limb splaying happy too!

11
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Posted in Family

Mar 12

Style Jealousy

After a crap night of sleep, I rolled out of bed, with just enough time to get clothes on for yoga, dress the Kaiser and haul ass out the door. I was proud of myself for putting on pink yoga pants with a dark pink sweater and looking rather cute in spite of the no time to get ready. Nails bitten off (thanks to Project Clustertrauma (which I will get into a later date)). Hair in a ponytail. No makeup. Shoved some toothpaste in my mouth and we were off.

Met Scout for lunch at a Japanese place in a strip mall (hee! I said “strip”!) by our house. Innocuous looking hole in the wall.

We were seated by a group of four women who looked like they’d stepped out of a glossy advertisement for “Dress as a successful business person, and do it (hee! I said “do it”!) with style!”

All were dressed in black or gray with accents of color. All had good hair styled by products other than a pillow and a bad night of sleep. All wore business appropriate CFM* heels. Perfect (expensive) handbags held by hands with professional french manis, natch.

Ugh. For all my new found confidence, I finally had to admit that I felt envious. For a moment I wanted so much to have a reason to get dressed up in heels and a tailored outfit. I wanted perfect hair and nails.

And then I went back to cheering at Alex and being excited that he was reaching onto my plate for broccoli, onion, mushroom and red pepper. Cuz that’s what we do. Feel the twinge of envy, look at the greener grass on the other side and then look at the flowers in our lawn.

___

*CFM = Come Fuck Me

20
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Posted in Issues

Mar 11

Talkin’ About My Boobies!

Shocking, I know. Me? Talk about my boobs? Never!

Step back with me to avoid the lightning strike as a result of my lying.

Lotus asked us to talk about our experiences in feeding our children with our boobies or with bottles while our children still mauled our boobies anyway, cuz that what babies tend to do it seems. (At least it explains why Alex continues to grab at Scout’s chest like it’s gonna yield anything but hair in his teeth.)

(originally posted in two parts here and here)

Post One

(You may have noticed the new little ?��Ǩ?�Facebook Sucks?��Ǩ�� icon over to the right. Click the button and see what you think for yourself. This latest campaign is what prompts this post.)

I have one SIL (Mrs. Deacon) who will nurse anywhere, without covering up. She?��Ǩ�Ѣs also tiny and so subtle about it that I?��Ǩ�Ѣve been in the room with her and didn?��Ǩ�Ѣt realize she was doing it. My other SIL (Mrs. Forbes) will nurse in public, but only under her Hooter Hider. My third SIL (Mrs. Prof) is still on the fence about if she wants to use formula or nurse. And there?��Ǩ�Ѣs me – riding the Ameda/Medela Express 7 times a day.

I?��Ǩ�Ѣve been working through my shame/embarrassment of the insane size of my girls since puberty. (As I?��Ǩ�Ѣve mentioned). I?��Ǩ�Ѣve passed up going swimming many times over the years because there was no swimsuit that would fit. I?��Ǩ�Ѣve been the butt of uncomfortable comments and jokes. I?��Ǩ�Ѣve contemplated surgery, but it doesn?��Ǩ�Ѣt feel like a good decision for me. I know that my modesty about all things chestal interfered with my nursing and is just as much a contributor to why I?��Ǩ�Ѣm on the pump as anything else that was going on in my life while I was learning how to nurse.

I didn?��Ǩ�Ѣt want to be messed with. I certainly didn?��Ǩ�Ѣt want any strange women up in my boobs checking out Alex?��Ǩ�Ѣs latch. I already felt raw and exposed after labor and delivery, all I wanted to do was go HOME with Scout and Alex. I had one nurse who forced the issue and she?��Ǩ�Ѣs the one nurse who I have bad feelings about from being in the hospital. The home health nurse was clearly a lactivist of the nth degree and I wanted her OUT of the house as quickly as possible.

In the middle of the night at home, exhausted, I nursed Alex. I was horrified at the size of my gigantic breast sitting on his tiny little chest. I lived in fear through each time he nursed that I was going to fall asleep and the headlines would read, ?��Ǩ?�Tiny innocent suffocated by enormous gross boob. News at 11.?��Ǩ��

Scout supported me in whatever I did. He also advocated me actually getting some sleep, and could have cared less if Alex drank from a boob, a bottle or a beer bong as long as I was getting sleep and recovering, and Alex was being fed.

Then the umbilical incident happened. Then we bottle fed pumped milk. Then he got a cold and decided to nurse again. Then I went back to work for a week and went 8 hours without pumping because I didn?��Ǩ�Ѣt want to deal with it at school. Meanwhile my MIL was in the house, and I?��Ǩ�Ѣd be damned if I was whipping a tit out in front of her and try to figure out wtf I was doing with an audience.

Then we moved cross country when Alex was 8 weeks old. My goal had been to really focus on nursing once we got moved. I underestimated how freaking alone our little family was going to be. I underestimated how hard nursing was in the first place – because it?��Ǩ�Ѣs so NATURAL. Whatever. I underestimated how much I would HATE making my child scream for milk, while trying to force him to nurse, with a bottle of mammaraid on standby. I underestimated how much it fucking hurt to be clamped on by little gums attached to angry, hungry baby.

I underestimated how shattered, how worthless, I would feel each time my tiny baby rejected my breasts – rejected me. I felt so stupid each time I broke into sobs when I would stop trying and give him the bottle of breast milk. How stupid I feel crying over it now as I sit and try to coherently write this as I struggle to get to my point.

I try to remember this as the last time we nursed. It?��Ǩ�Ѣs the last time we successfully nursed in any case. (ed. I?��Ǩ�Ѣll have to elaborate on this more tomorrow.)

Regardless of if it?��Ǩ�Ѣs natural/not obscene/necessary/legal to have my exposed breast out to feed my child in public – I wouldn?��Ǩ�Ѣt be comfortable doing it. All of my pent up, 2 decades worth of issues with my breasts did not go away just because I acquired the ?��Ǩ?�superpower?��Ǩ�� of creating food for my son.

Let me say that again. My body issues did not go away just because I?��Ǩ�Ѣm capable of creating food for my son.

If anything, it?��Ǩ�Ѣs worse now. It?��Ǩ�Ѣs worse because when I see a mom nursing, when I see the photos, when I read the stories, it reminds me of how I failed again. How I let my feelings about my body get in the way. How I could not find it in myself to think I was beautiful enough, good enough to be comfortable nursing my own baby.

Since being pregnant, my concept of what I think is brave and beautiful in other women has changed. I think all of you who nurse in public are so brave. I don?��Ǩ�Ѣt care if you do it under cover or out in the open. I think you are all so brave and beautiful for making it work, for not shutting yourselves away. For loving yourself enough to be comfortable doing it.

And yes, I think it needs to be legal to do it wherever and by whatever means necessary. I have this fear that the women who choose to cover up are going to somehow be looked down on for wanting to be move covered or more private. I just hope in the furor over the whole deal that we all stick together and don?��Ǩ�Ѣt get hung up on whether or not we should or should not want to cover up/be in private and focus on making sure we have the CHOICE to feed our babies in the best way for each of us.

Post Two

I come from a long line of non breast feeders. (I?��Ǩ�Ѣd love it if you?��Ǩ�Ѣd check out that link and post a response – I?��Ǩ�Ѣm still curious if my theory is right) Before November 2006 I had no intention of breastfeeding Alex. I was completely skeeved out by the idea of a baby sucking on my boobs. I had two friends who had felt the same way and they?��Ǩ�Ѣd pumped for their boys. I was open to the idea of pumping for him, and that was my plan. I wasn?��Ǩ�Ѣt big on letting a bunch of people invade my privacy and my boobs. It all seemed very invasive to me – the LLL, the Lactation Consultants, it was all more drama than I really wanted to get into. Then Sara framed it for me in a simple way.

Dawn, she said, babies are geared to nurse. A friend told me that you put the naked baby on your naked stomach, you let it root around and find your boob and it will nurse. It?��Ǩ�Ѣs probably worth giving it a shot to see if it works for you, if not, hit the pump.

This simple statement totally changed my point of view.

Alex was born at 2:47 am, after everyone was done with us, I just had them take my gown and leave the clean one by the bed. I wrapped my naked self in the sheet with an unwrapped Alex and just waited to see what would happen.

There in the middle of the night, he nursed. Scout slept beside us, and I fed our boy.

Obviously, things went to hell after that, but I?��Ǩ�Ѣm so grateful for Sara?��Ǩ�Ѣs words. I?��Ǩ�Ѣm so glad I gave it a shot. I feel like, for me, it bonded me to Alex to let him cross that boundary. I temporarily set aside all my hang ups, and I let my little boy be close to me in a way that no other person has ever been.

There?��Ǩ�Ѣs been such an uproar over Applebee?��Ǩ�Ѣs, Facebook and Bill Maher. I?��Ǩ�Ѣve read so many posts from so many women who show their passion and their heart and their bravery. I?��Ǩ�Ѣd start linking, but that would be never ending – but please feel free to link in the comments, I can?��Ǩ�Ѣt seem to get enough of these stories.

Reading about your experiences has given me the courage to try nursing again. (This one was the last one I read before feeling brave enough to try again.)

And he?��Ǩ�Ѣs done it. He?��Ǩ�Ѣs nursed. Just a little bit. But just enough. Just enough to help me soothe some of that hurt of all the beating myself up I?��Ǩ�Ѣve done. (Yes, he?��Ǩ�Ѣs caused some hurt when he decides my boobs are chew toys.)

I never would have tried it if it weren?��Ǩ�Ѣt for all of you. So thank you from the bottom of my boobs. And believe me, that?��Ǩ�Ѣs coming from a long way down.

Post Script

The weekend before Thanksgiving I decided to give nursing all day a try. Alex had apparently been nursing in the mornings before we got up, because there wasn’t any milk to pump. I think the combination of him being sleepy and not starving hungry set the stage for us to succeed. I also think that since all I was really looking for was a few more minutes of sleep before he was up for the day that having no expectations of actual nursing taking place was also a bonus.

Four months later, we’ve made it through teeth, trips home, hospitals, relatives, funerals, strangers, friends … it’s all good. I do strive for privacy, but I’m not hiding under a blanket. But I’ll block your boobs from view of others if you want me to. I’ve got your backs sisterfriends.

26
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Posted in Nekkid Stuff

Mar 10

NaNoWriMonday – 3:4

Beginning

The women would remain in this place, until all of the women in their line had come to join them. Then it would remain to be seen what would happen next There would be decisions to be made, would they stay together, would they separate their paths. Would they decide to go back, one by one, or a few at a time. There were so many decisions to be made. But so far in the future that it was not worth the time spent to think on it now. There was LaVerne. And there was pie.

LaVerne was settled in her rocking chair. She neatly tucked her feet up under her, as she had done for nine decades, only ceasing the practice as she became truly old and rarely sat in a chair. She looked at her fingers, still terribly bent from the arthritis that had settled in her joints years and years and years before. Her fingers had no rings. Her nails were slightly ragged, not polished. She bent her fingers. While they looked they same, she could notice the difference. There was no pain, and there was strength there that had been lacking for a long while.

Elizabeth looked at her. ?��Ǩ?�You are stronger now than you were before. You will continue to gain strength. Your form will change some. You will be eased your pains. You will look like the woman you were always meant to be.?��Ǩ��

Laverne said, ?��Ǩ?�I always thought I would look young again.?��Ǩ��

The women chuckled. ?��Ǩ?�We all thought that,?��Ǩ�� Ellen said. “We all thought we would be young and thin and curved in the right places, with perpetual perfect hair and nails and whatever else we decided were the things wrong with our forms in life would be fixed here. But…. after a while… we each learned that there was never anything wrong with us. Oh, we might have used some more strength here and there, or perhaps our health could have been helped by a few less pounds, but we?��Ǩ�Ѣve learned we were each perfect in our own ways, in our own path shaped by the body we inhabited. We were perfect, and so when we came here, we retained our perfection. These are the well earned faces and bodies sitting before you. Rejoice in your form and enjoy your growing strength.?��Ǩ��

LaVerne looked at her body, at her crippled foot, she thought of her breast long ago cut away from her body. She thought of bones broken with age, body parts taken out. Uterus and gallbladder. She had longed to be whole.

As if she knew, Abby said, ?��Ǩ?�You are whole, dear. The Mother completed you and made you whole when you crossed over.?��Ǩ��

LaVerne put her hand to her breast, it was still hollow on her right side, not there, gone.

?��Ǩ?�I don?��Ǩ�Ѣt mean physically whole. Well, I do, this is physically whole for you. For you. For the unique and special you that you are, that you were, that you continue to be. You have everything you need, and when you realize that, you will realize you are indeed whole. More whole than you have ever been because you will not be looking to change, You will turn your focus out of you and to the world and the life you live. You will see. Your heart will change as you realize the Mother?��Ǩ�Ѣs plans, ” she turned to reach for something, “But here, have some pie.?��Ǩ��

10
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Posted in NaNoWriMonday

Mar 09