I loved hanging out with my boyfriend, John Cusack He was hawt, great kisser, tall, great kisser, gentle, great kisser, funny …

It was a warm summer afternoon, the wind was blowing my hair around us as we sat outside mackin’ on each other. Happy girl I was.

I’d known John forever and ever and was so comfortable around him – he was John, but just happened to have a lucrative movie career. We were just a normal couple.

As I basked in the glory of this perfect union and what a lucky, lucky girl I was, I had the thought – “I totally have to tell BOSSY about this.” Which seemed a little strange, but then I remembered that she’d made the kickass video of her with my John, and you’d think I’d have been jealous, but I wasn’t.

I did, however, wake up.

Dammit.

(He’s on my laminated list, I’m totally allowed to dream about him.)

?Ǭ†Photo Source

Sometimes I miss my old job. Here’s an example of why:

Picture a science class for “low” freshmen. Lots/all special ed kids. Not your garden variety LD kiddo, but your lower, potential for social security benefits in their future (Before retirement) type.

Picture a substitute, a special ed teacher, a missing DVD player, a missing DVD, and students who don’t do well with “unstructured time”.

Character #1. Let’s call him Crockett. He is a small spunky African American male who exhibits several stereotypical behaviors. For example: this week in class, teacher walked past him and glanced at his paper to make sure he was doing okay. He comments (and I quote) “I wish you people would quit treating me like a mother fucking child”, teacher, without missing a beat says, “well, that’s because you are one” and just kept going. He can actually be a really decent kiddo – like giving me props when he saw me break up a scuffle in the hall, letting me go first at the water fountain etc.

Character #2. Of course we’ll call him Tubbs. He is a lumbering lump of a boy on the autism spectrum. He’s a big ole boy. His parents baby him and think oh my he never uses his size to intimidate others. To which we all go um. sneezecoughbullshitsneezecough. He typically wears an olive green winter jacket and sometimes wears camo pants etc. Keep the color green in mind, it’s important. Tubbs sits in a desk with his back against the wall so he can lean and slump. He’s one of our special special ed kids.

In the midst of all the Sub, no DVD player, no DVD, wrong DVD, Crockett and Tubbs begin sniping at one another regarding who is the most annoying. Pot, meet kettle, u r black. (The “u r” is just to keep you in the high school mood).

Tiny little Crockett has enough and walks over to Giganto Tubbs, pushes him up against the wall, yelling, “YOU SHREK LOOKIN’ MOTHER FUCKER!”

So the next time you need an insult – please feel free to use that one.

I told ya you could ask me anything, so here goes the answers.

Veronica asked, “What is your favourite junk food and why?” I’d have to say jalepeno poppers are my personal hide in the closet and eat as many as possible addiction. The ones with cream cheese, not cheddar cheese. They got me through pregnancy.

the dragonfly asked, “If you could spend 24 hours with anyone, anywhere, doing anything, with unlimited funds?¢‚Ǩ¬¶what would you do?” I’m gonna add time travel in here too, cuz what the hey. It would be the year 1845. I would be in Germany with my great great great grandparents. I would find out their names and where they came from. I’d see their lives as they were then. I’d also take lots of pictures. Cuz that’d be cool. Like Dr. Who.

witchypoo asked, “Electricity. What colour is it?” I picture it as blue white. So bright we can barely see it.

Kyla asked, “What led you to becoming an SLP?” 1. Prof had some speech problems with his /r/ and /l/ when he was little. I remember sitting on the floor, showing him proper placement of his tongue and teeth to make the right sound. Deacon came in and told me I couldn’t help him. As I’ve spent most of my life trying to prove Deacon wrong, I’m sure this is the root of the fascination. 2. I had a friend who was in a car hit by a drunk driver. He was thrown out of the car and landed on his head. He spent months in rehab and he kept calling the speech therapy “pointless”, I kept going and finding out what the point of it was for him and then going back and explaining it to him. 3. I thought all you really did with speech therapy was articulation. I didn’t realize till I was doing a practical for my Elementary Education degree that there is a lot of literacy involved with it too, that was fascinating. I thought it was a really versatile field and after a couple years out of school I went back for my masters.

Kyla also asked, “What is your favorite time of day with Alex?” Well, it totally isn’t right now when he’s in the swing screaming his guts out at me because he doesn’t want to take a nap. Heh. If we’ve all had a reasonable amount of sleep, when he first wakes up in the morning he’ll nurse and then pop up with these bright blue, clear, wide awake eyes. He’ll sit up in bed and start “talking”. I love that.

MP hit me with a 4peat. What is your favorite store to shop in? Mmmm. The Bravissimo store online. Your favorite family resturant? The Winzer Stube, it’s a German restaurant in Wisconsin. Ultimate date night? Dual massages for Scout and I and a meal with no food thrown on the floor. Favorite song to sign aloud to in the car when you are by yourself? My Favorite Underwear by Liz Phair.

AFF asked, “I could be asking something you?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve already answered, but: if you are of Scottish ancestry, why did you go with kaiser? Are you a WWI fan?”I geeked out Alex’s ancestry and he’s more German than anything else, and he’s such a little dictator that Kaiser was just fitting. We also joked while I was pregnant that we should name him something over the top like Johannes Heinrich Dietrich Wilhelm Wolfgang or some such thing. Then we saw his ultrasound and thought perhaps Ronald Jeremy would be more appropriate.

flutter wants to know, “when you think about yourself, what are the things that you absolutely love, without question?” I love that I have a gift with written words. Given enough time, I can typically come up with whatever needs to be said in any given situation. (I’m no so brill with on the spot spoken word, but I keep working at it.) I love that I can take any amount of money and make it stretch for as long as necessary and always have a tiny bit of extra. I love that I can find Scout’s funny bone almost all the time. I love that my eyes are blue and my body is in proportion.

Winner of the wine rack is Angela Email me at dawn at kaiseralex dot com with your address and I’ll get it in the mail to you. (Full disclosure, sometimes it takes a little while to get to the post office, but I’ll send it, I promise.)

Now for the next challenge. It’s March 1st, which means we’re thinking about spring, whether or not spring is in our neck of the woods. I’m eyeing my Birks (much to Cookiebitch‘s chagrin) because there is little I love more than the first time I can slip those on and head outside and feel my toes get warm. However. There’s something I need to take care of before I can do that:

These feet need some HELP. I’m totally NOT showing you my heels. Cuz ICK. This week I’m getting ready for spring by getting these feet girlied up. Show me what YOU are doing to get ready for spring.

(or, ya know, winter. i didn’t mean to be southern hemisphere insensitive.)

I’m putting Mr. Linky up now, in case anyone is feeling motivated to post throughout the week, otherwise, hit me with your links next Saturday.

(Any requests for prizes this week?)