Archive for May, 2008
Protected: If I tell you this is about death again are you going to just click away?
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From the Archives – Laugh and the World Laughs with You
Originally posted May 17, 2007
So Monday morning I woke with the determination to find something that resembled a schedule.
Alex was napping, so I went downstairs, took out smoothie ingredients from the fridge – yogurt, milk, strawberries – and from the cabinet – whey powder, flax seed, peanut butter, oatmeal.
I made smoothie, I poured coffee, I made waffles (in the toaster), I poured OJ.
I put everything away, went upstairs, Alex was awake, we talked about food and how it smelled, then we took a walk and watched some Sesame Street (with Donald Grump and Omagrossa, and Elmo stole Donald Grump?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s wig and DG said that was no problem, he had more, and whipped out a new one, so both DG and Elmo were wearing DG wigs.)
Tuesday and Wednesday mornings quickly became clusters.
This morning I woke, walked downstairs to make my smoothie took out smoothie ingredients from the fridge – milk, strawberries – and from the cabinet – whey powder, flax seed, yogurt, peanut butter, oatm?¢‚Ǩ¬¶?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ whoa?¢‚Ǩ¬¶.. yogurt doesn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t belong in the cabinet.
EWWWWWWWWWWWW!
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From the Archives – Tits on a Boar Phenomena
Originally posted May 16, 2007
Had an AWESOME conversation with my sister in law today about how our husbands are these wonderful intelligent men who every few days just take a stupid pill and don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t know what to do with the baby.
Her example was Deacon asking her when Baby Deacon?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s diaper had last been changed – she said a couple of hours. He asked if it needed to be changed. She told him she would go get her super poop detecting nostrils so she could ascertain if a diaper on a child three rooms away needed to be changed or not.
She also pointed out that we create this problem. That when we yell at?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. er?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. helpfully suggest?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. erm?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. lovingly mention that there is an alternate way to do something for three days in a row that inevitably on the 4th day they will be too scared to do anything on their own. Thus creating the TOAB phenomena.
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Short Photo Essay
Read to me Mommy.
Again.
Look into my eyes.
How am I taking photos indoors again?
Lookit me! I’m a real live mommyblogger now!
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Growing towards a Goal
Okay. Funny as I typed the title I typed “Growing towards a God”. Wonder what else is on my mind.
Once upon a time, I was a Recruitment Adviser for my college sorority chapter. I attended a conference organized by the international group geared towards helping chapters have more successful recruitments.
There was a great workshop on “branding”. The main idea being to pick 3 words that you want to describe your chapter, everything you do should fall into one of the categories/words you have chosen for your chapter.
It’s a lot like the concept on HGTV’s Find Your Style. Pick 4 or 5 elements for your room and stick with them. (I’m a total addict. I heart DVR.)
I went through a long, dark patch, and had just pulled myself out of it when the shizzle hit the fizzle.
I’m ready to get my act together. I have the time, the resources and I’m striving to have the energy to do it. Perfection is not an option. Perfection is not a goal. Improving my life, Scout’s life and Alex’s life – absolutely.
My thoughts started out rather superficially. All about looks. Hair, clothes, style. Fun stuff.
I always liked the look of Carolyn Bessette.
(Photo from Vanity Fair.)
and Reese Witherspoon
(Photo from Popsofa.com.)
Does this mean I want to be blonde? Nope. It’s something about their general look I’m drawn to.
(For the record, my girl crush on Reese was eclipsed by Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd.)
(Photo from msnbc.com.)
Which then led me to my house. My poor, neglected, messy house. How I wish it looked more like this.
(Photo from www.pompy.com)
That said, I’ve decided on my 3 descriptors – are you ready?
Clean, Chic and Just Enough
Today starts a new day. Wanna join me?
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From the Archives – 15 Minutes Past Mother’s Day + Another Milestone
Originally posted the day after Mom’s Day, 2007
Oh yeah, Alex can projectile. He was out of sorts last night, and I wondered where he was putting all his food. Would settle him down, put him down, he?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢d wake up about the time I got the covers pulled to my chin. Went through that routine a few times, then he was settled long enough to hear that ?¢‚ǨÀúurp?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢. By the time I made it across the room to pick him up to clean up the mess he shot what looked to be the last 2 feedings out with some distance. So it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s on him, in his hair, all over the bed. I got Scout, and started ripping the nasal aspirator out of it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s package, because whatever hadn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t shot out his mouth had gone straight to his sinuses. Gross. So several minutes of screaming followed by a prompt zonk out on me.
All of this woke Scout completely up and I was still sleepy, so he?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s been up all night, payback may be hell.
***
It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s always the dumb things that make the big events sink in. I can?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t remember what randomness made me realize Scout and I were married – but last night I was fixing my address book and searched our last name and there was my name and Scout?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s name. Like I haven?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t seen this a million times. But something about seeing Scout?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s name in my email takes me back to when we were early dating and the excitement of seeing mail from him.
Today we got Alex?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s Social Security card in the mail. Same feeling of OMG WTF I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the parent of someone, I have to be responsible for keeping track of someone?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s social security card.
Mommy!
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From the Archives – Being the Mom
Originally posted May 12, 2007
I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the Mom. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the one with the milk on some part of my clothing. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the one who voluntarily and automatically does the dishes. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the one who hasn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t left the house without the baby. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the one with the post delivery hormone induced acne. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the one with the tiny baby fingernail claw marks on my neck.
I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the one who when Alex is screaming and won?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t chill out, can pick him up, lay him on my chest, say his name and watch him go straight to sleep, and get to snuggle with him for a couple of hours and not have to give him back.
Compromise is good.
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Mommy uniform – summer edition
Remember when I asked you what I should buy, and you ALL had LOTS of opinions that I loved reading about because some of you liked them all, some of you hated them all, some of you loved one and others hated the same one with an equal passion? It was the DEFINITION of awesometastic. (Also, remember when I used to use punctuation and didn’t run on sentences for-ev-ah?)
Today I tried on option 1 and HATED it. Sigh. I’ve put option 2 on the “see if it goes on sale” list. Option 3 didn’t work for today’s instant gratification.
Here you are. Mommy uniform for the summer of 2008.
Old Navy Sweetheart jeans. I’m not a huge Old Navy fan, but these jeans rock. I do have to wear a belt with them because they’re a little big in the waist, but they are comfy and I love them. I got the boot cut, but the flares were cool too. They fit below the muffin top when I sit down.
Ann Taylor wide trim ruched v neck. V is deep enough keep me from looking all boobs, but not so deep I need a cami under it.
I’m either gonna love this or hate it. I’m not sure yet. More Ann Taylor. (They were having a 25% off everything sale today.)
Why yes, yes I did buy the same shirt in 4 colors.
These are particularly cool Gap tshirts because you can flip em around and have a scoop neck. Which is of course how I’ll wearing them due to the ta-tas and all. (You’ll have to click the link to see the scoop pic, these are the colors though.)
Add in some socks and um… knee highs (I can’t stand shoes and bare feet) and I’m all set for summer.
Although. I have to tell you. I’m disturbed. I shopped both Macy’s and Dillards SHOE SALES and I did not find a single shoe that tickled my fancy. I’m a little worried about myself.
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Another goodbye
This is one of those, “I tell you this story to get to another” kind of things.
(again, this could be titled Hey look, Dawn’s talkin’ about death again!)
no no… come back… come back!
Okay. Here we go.
I was a grandpa’s girl. From the time I was born until he died – grandpa’s girl. Which was fitting as my mom was his girl as well.
His body gave out long before his mind. At the time, I thought it was cruel. Now I know better because I watched my Grandma’s mind waste away before her body. Talk about cruel.
The week before he died, my mom stayed with him a day. She told him if he was tired, that it would be okay. She told him we’d understand. That he didn’t have to wait for me to graduate. If he was done, he could be done.
He went into the hospital, we saw him Easter Sunday, he didn’t feel good, when we left, he told me not to get close because he didn’t want me to get sick. So I left without hugging him.
Then at 455am we got a phone call. ICU. No life support. Could be hours or days.
We drove the 30 minutes to the hospital, we got stopped at the light, it started to rain.
I knew he was gone.
And I was right.
We stood by his bed in the ICU. Me. Mom. Grandma. Three generations. Grandma had been with him when he died. We walked out. Grandma said to me, “You were his idol.” I walked behind the curtain to see him again. The machines still hissing. His blue eyes still open halfway.
I touched his hand. Cold. Even though only minutes had passed. I touched his hair. It still felt like him.
Just as I began to feel the hysterical bubbles of panicked terror of losing him, feel it rising in my chest … I stopped.
I felt this peace. Then I felt this … this tingle … this awareness … along my spine, wrapping me in a final hug. It held for a moment, then pulled away and off through the upper left corner of the room.
He was gone. He’d said goodbye.
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How Many Signs Would You Like?
(alternate title: Where Dawn mentions death, yet again.)
This happened in 2006, one year to the day after my Grandma died. It was one of those dates that made me go ‘huh, I remember this day last year’ – not something that I was wearing all black for and making a big deal of.
(high school graduation. 1933)
But ya know, I think we all hope for signs or whatev, that life is okay – whatever that life is, wherever that life is – however all that works out.
So being the date/time dork I am, I of course, remembered what time she died. I knew when “the minute” was. It passed. No big thing. Just passed on by. Followed by several more minutes – cuz that’s what minutes do.
Then it started raining, which is in the “no big deal” category these days b/c it does that about every other minute right now. I noticed the rain had stopped – and that the sun was out – I thought “What’s the chances?” and even a more punitive “Grow up Dawn, quit looking for signs.” But I got up and looked……
TWO rainbows – all the pretty colors – even purple – and I think the purples were fading back into blues at the bottom.
Lilacs are what my grandma and I planted once upon a time. Lilacs that did not bloom in my backyard until after we got back from the funeral. Lilacs that have decided they apparently like my backyard now and are gonna stick around.
I missed those lilacs when we moved last summer, till I looked out this week and realized there are two huge bushes on the side of our new house.
Peace Grandma, I hope your homecoming was even better than this.
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From the Archives – All In
It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s been a hard couple of days to live in my head.
1 am for some reason is the time some demon comes to visit. The hour of all my fears setting their teeth into me.
Two nights ago those teeth took the form of remembering a story relayed by a holocaust survivor about what happened to his infant niece. (And I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll leave it at that, sharing the nightmare won?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t ease it any).
And that story haunts me. Because the babies all look like Alex when the scene plays on fucking repeat when I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m at my most exhausted. And no amount of reminding myself that this took place 60 plus years ago helps ease me when the demon sink it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s teeth in.
But on the other hand. I look at Alex when the teeth are securely fastened and my mouth tightens a bit, and I know there is no way that anyone is getting to this boy without going through me. I feel that Mama Bear instinct strengthen in me more each time.
And realize the only way for me to do this motherhood thing is to go all in. Which I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve never done before. People always get held off just that little bit, just that touch so I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m always left slightly independent of them, just in case something happens and they aren?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t with me anymore. Even Scout. And I think he knows this. Which makes me a little sad.
I thought I could do motherhood the same way. But I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m beginning to see that it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s not going to be that way. I look at Alex and I know that no one is going to hurt him if there?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s anything I can do about it. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve known from his birth that he?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s one of my tribe. That he belongs to me. Spending the last ten days in the house with me, Alex, Scout and my mom was a ?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ it was bonding?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ for all of us ?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. I did realize what a blessing it was each ?¢‚Ǩ?ìnight?¢‚Ǩ¬ù (whenever my ?¢‚Ǩ?ìnight?¢‚Ǩ¬ù began) as I went to sleep, and remembered to say thank you for having the three people most important to me under my roof.
All in. This boy is going to make me go all in. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll have to in order to continue to go with a shortage of sleep. To feed him the one ounce per hour for the 10th time a day, to watch all my furniture take another hit of breast milk, spit up, or little boy pee, to not sleep by my husband, to listen to him cry (Alex, not Scout).
All in. And right now. Sitting here just after sunrise, Alex crashed out on my lap, one arm tucked behind his head like ?¢‚Ǩ?ìI?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the coolest 13 day old baby on the block?¢‚Ǩ¬ù, in actual non stained AND dry clothes, it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s easy to see how I will fall for this little boy again and again. It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s easy to overlook how loving this boy all in will break my heart on occasion, keep me scared at 1am for ?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ oh ?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ ever?¢‚Ǩ¬¶.. and whatever other God awful hard things are in the future.
Again, I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m looking over my shoulder trying to find where the adults are that are supposed to be taking care of all the big decisions.
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From the Archives – Gift of the Magi
On Thursday, Scout was strung out. I could tell that he was having trouble because testosterone brings on less instant maternal instincts than the ovaries do. Well, that and he hasn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t done things like sing ?¢‚Ǩ?ìThe Ants Go Marching?¢‚Ǩ¬ù for 45 minutes while trying to get Aly to go to sleep, he hasn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t ever been alone in a house with a hungry baby and a slow bottle warmer, things like that.
So I called his friend Dave and asked if he could get Scout out of the house for some guy time on Friday. Dave said he too remembered feeling like he was only one who didn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t get the baby manual when his daughter was born and he?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢d be happy to take Scout out of estrogen hell and give him some guy time.
Friday came and went and Scout went to Target for food and diapers, but never mentioned Dave.
Dave and his wife and daughter came over on Saturday and the wife (Karen) told me that Dave called Scout on Friday and could NOT convince Scout to come out for a while – Scout was too worried about me to leave me alone.
Love isn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t in the wedding flowers or the wedding rings. It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s in the stuff like this.
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