Lookit!
The Header is made by the lovely VDog and her friend Karen. Isn’t it awesome?
And remember about a month ago when I forgot I had a blog? It’s cuz I was knitting. Non.Stop. I have a bunch of hats I’m going to try to sell local, but for the rest, I have set up an etsy store. I got a good response at BlogHer from what I sold there, so now it’s the big time baby!
If you take a look around and happen to notice anything out of whack, please please let me know!
Mwahs!
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Originally posted July 30, 2007
Sara kept telling me I should start a blog.
In the middle of the night of the first few weeks of Baby Kaiser?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s world, I started reading them constantly. I don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t even know where I got started. It might have been here while I tried to figure out if it was normal that I couldn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t put my boy down and have him stay asleep. I know I ended up here because I read it from beginning to present, alternately laughing and crying, and in the end learned just where I could put a few choice judgmental opinions I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢d been carrying around. And if that one wasn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t enough, then certainly this was enough.
I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢d had the blog for a while, mostly to keep my shit together in the final weeks of baby incubation, and to entertain my friends with my stellar, unmatched humor.
But I got knocked off my pedestal by her, who knocks it out of the park every time and makes me think I should just close up my snark shop for good. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve professed my undying admiration for her, and then made the blog public and quit lurking so much and actually commented some. Ya?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll can blame her.
I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢d be remiss if I didn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t throw my link love to the Big Bad Bloggy Daddies. You let me see into what this whole mess of parenthood looks like from my husband?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s eyes, something that I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m sure saves him from the wrath of the mom on a daily basis.
And of course PDub who lets her awesome freak flag fly from the prairie.
There?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s more, but this is how my google reader and I have been rolling for a while. This whole stay at home gig combined with the newness of mommyhood combined with the move to the land of vices would have been so lonely without ya?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll. You make me laugh and let me know I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m not the only one in my jams at 120 in the afternoon with someone else?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s drool on my shoulder, not sleeping through the night, but totally keeping myself awake when exhausted just so I can gaze at the cuteness that is that is the Baby Kaiser. You give me courage to go try new things, because if it fails, I at least have a funny (hopefully) story to tell, in an attempt to say thanks for the smiles you?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve given me.
And on that note, it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s time to go get covered in little boy pee again.
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We have a winner!
Qtpies7 for the PC and Kimberly for the Mac!
Welcome to kaiseralex.com!
Here we go – for one Mac User and one PC User – we have some BlogHer Swag just for you!
The PC Swag bag contains:
1 Scholastic bag, 3 samples Bath and Body Works products, Norton 360 for PC, Embrace Your Grace Tshirt, Macy’s coupon, chocolate, Dentaburst stuff, TNT DVD, Kinderprint kit, 2 coupons for Cocoa Puffs AND the awesome kaiseralex.com biz card!
The Mac Swag Bag contains: BlogHer bag, I Am the Boss of Me tshirt, lijit sticker, PBS DVD, Macy’s coupon, TNT DVD, Norton for Mac, chocolate, laptop lock, manicure kit, 2 Cocoa Puffs coupons AND the awesome kaiseralex.com biz card!
To enter, leave a comment specifying PC or Mac – thanks for stopping by kaiseralex.com, you can click the link to return to BloggyGiveaways.com
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Originally posted July 27, 2007
To anyone giving me dirty looks in the grocery while I was holding my vocally crabby infant and pushing his stroller: Yes, I know it looks stupid, Yes, I know he?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s annoying to listen to, I know this because I spend several hours a day listening to it. You get to go home. Blow me.
To the woman in the awesome dress with her daughter in a wrap, who was chatting with a random stranger (In one of those conversations all new parents get stuck in with strangers), thank you for not rolling your eyes at my predicament and acting superior b/c you were baby wearing and I was not. I forgot my wrap at home which is what caused the predicament in the first place. I am one of you.
To the man who came around me in the self check out to see the vocally crabby infant and then joke with me ?¢‚Ǩ?ìare you going to feed him that sushi??¢‚Ǩ¬ù: Dude, do I LOOK like I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m in a mood or position to joke. I think not. Help me scan my groceries, or get them out of the bottom of the stroller while trying to not lose my balance while my son filets my face with his fingernails. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll love you forever. But thank you for saying as you walked away that he?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s cute as a button. I wish you would have led with that, you would have gotten the thank you that etiquette owed you.
To the cashier who wouldn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t stop talking to her friend when my card was failing and the check out said ?¢‚Ǩ?ìwait for cashier?¢‚Ǩ¬ù. Who kept talking to her friend when I pushed the call button. Who finally walked over when the pissy laser beam mom eye glare burned a hole through her and got her attention: fuck off. I DID press CREDIT you biatch. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m out of high school, undergraduate and graduate school. Don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t look at me like that because I procreated, and I won?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t report you to your boss that you SUCK at your job.
To my boy – who managed to laugh for me in the midst of all of this. A new sound from his little self. Thank you. You always make me glad you are around JUST at the moment I contemplate praying for gypsies to kidnap you.
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You know how you can live in a place and be in a place every day and then all the sudden you realize omgwtf this is FILTHY and you’ve just realized it’s FILTHY *AND* you realize you’ve written a big ole run on sentence?
So this doesn’t look TERRIBLE
Until you compare it to the other side (less trampled on) side of the room
Then ya start going hmmm…… perhaps a little gross?
Enter this (and no, no one paid me to use this – except for perhaps the big box store that didn’t actually charge me for it because it was under a bunch of stuff in my cart.)
In one swipe of the shoe polish like applicator – my floor looked like it should have that little “bing” gleam like what dings off of a cartoon superhero’s teeth when she smiles.
So then I wrote a message in my grout lines – because I’m a 12 year old boy at heart.
(yes I climbed on my sink to take the photo.)
Digitally enhanced photo:
After one coat – it looked like this
Time elapsed to do entire bathroom? Less than one Alex nap. I’ll post a shot of the finished floor later – but this stuff is *awesome*. My favorite part is that when I went back to wipe up the excess, the excess came right off the tile and the non-excess stayed exactly where it belonged – in the grout.
And if this isn’t enough – I went and built shelves!
I’ll post a how-to after they are completed – but I need *your* help to get them finished -
[polldaddy poll="816588"]
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Photo goodness for your Friday enjoyment! (Tiny announcement at the bottom.)
Our flight was uneventful. Alex yet again was a spectacular flyer, and apparently Delta doesn’t care how he old he is either.
We got downtown, got settled in our room at the Westin, and got hooked up with VDog. As I rode in the elevator to meet her, I was between a rather gruff looking guy and a perfectly put together woman. I? I was carrying a stack of bras. Perfect.
We’d snagged invites/permission to hit the Kirtsy/Alltop party out at Guy Kawasaki‘s house. After a freaking longer-ass than it needed to be drive and multiple turns around and 37 point turns we arrived at swag heaven.
***
This is Kristen from Motherhood Uncensored. Really just wanted to show that I was once close to greatness. And her shoes. Look at those awesome shoes!
***
VDog reunited with BOSSY. BOSSY is inspirationally good looking. There’s something about her that I totally want to get when I grow up. (VDog is wearing a new to her bra in this picture. Same style as I wore on my business cards. Oh yes, I put mah bewbs on mah cards.)
***
At long last, after many poorly constructed text messages, we made it into Mrs. Flinger’s arms.
***
Kris of Crib Ceiling and Christine of No Watch Me, they first posed for a straight pic, then decided to do the cheesy pose.
After falling all over ourselves over how awesome a host Guy Kawasaki was, we boarded the bus again and headed back to town. And thanks to Casey for trading me some Method products for a book.
Off we went to the newbie party.
***
VDog and CityMama are tight. CityMama is uber cute. Think she’ll let me write for Savvy Source if I keep using words like “uber”?
***
We licked all over Mr. Lady.
***
Squee heard ‘cross the land – Loralee and Mr. Lady.
***
Another new bra – Maria went and got fitted and bought a new one cuz she said there was no way she was meeting me with ass chest. Look at the HAWT BEWBS courtesy of me!
***
Then we all started licking Loralee. VDog….
***
Then me … lookit – I’m so short mah head is in her bewbs! I know how Eric Schuster felt dancing with me at the 8th grade dance – totally awesome!
***
Christine got her turn…. Little did Loralee know how much she was going love her come the next day.
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Mrs. Flinger and Loralee go for some huggable action.
They closed the bar at the newbie party and that signaled time to head on downstairs to the People’s Party.
***
This is where Jenny and Gwen were giving an interview in a bathroom. A men’s bathroom. What? Too busy looking at Jenny’s cleavage to notice the urinal? Yeah, me too.
***
This is when Kyla started realizing that I’m. not. tall. I luff her.
***
I met Backpacking Dad, gave him mah bewbs (on mah card people!) and he showed off his vodka – and didn’t share. mmmm. vodka.
And by this time, it was 11pm. I’d been up since 230am California time and I gratefully fell into my Heavenly Bed and got some sleep.
My small announcement – Bloggy Giveaways Carnival is next week – I’m going to be giving away 2 bags of swag – one for a PC user and one for a Mac user – so be sure to look for that on Monday! (and uh, remind me if I forget to post… cuz that could happen…)
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One good thing about the BlogHer conference is that it prompted me to get off my ass and actually remember the whole Hawtalucion.
So I went on a journey of hair proportions. I asked your advice and the majority said EXTREME MAKEOVER DAWN’S BLOGHER HAIR EDITION.
I did NOT want the Rachel.
The entire time in the chair, as I watched hair fall, I had two thoughts that jump to and fro.
1. Whoorl is gonna kick. my. ass. for not listening to her.
2. OMG I can’t wait to text Victoria when I get the fuck out of here.
I got home and was less than pleased to see the hair already beginning the mid summer mid west hair fro.
After a while I was able to tame it into some nice mommy hair.
But after a scant 30 minutes outside. Dun dun DUN!
The mother fucking Rachel flip. Again.
So I let it go curly. And was much pleased. As was Miss Sarah, who is totally beautiful in person (and in her pictures, but she passes muster up close too.)
She says she thinks it still need to be redder, but the blonde is fun for summer. I completely agree with her and can’t WAIT to go get some more red in mah hairs.
THEN, this wonderful unknown to me photog named Josh Hallet took this insanely hot picture of me.
Damn.
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This is short cuz I’m tired and all.
But I keep thinking about how much I loved hearing Mr. Lady’s voice reading her words at the Friday night keynote. Even though it hurt, even though I get it a little too well. She got a standing O when she was finished, and she completely deserved it. Click here to read about her Leap of Faith.
And then Casey read The Overdose and I was undone again. She got the other standing O of the keynote.
And then, God, Jesus, Ninjas and Zombies (and mythical hobbits too), The Bloggess came out and made me laugh … niiiiine times. She was a little drunk reading about being a little High.
(Yes, yes, yes, I’m gonna blog about BlogHer for a while – because I want to share my favorite moments with you, and you, and yes, you too!)
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Oh it’s a great haze. Got up at 230am Cali time after getting 3 hours of sleep. Flew with hubs and tiny toddler tornadocane. Made it to the hotel and fell down exhausted in gratitude of checking in early.
(Will link later – as in – when I’m not drunk on free booze.)
Have hugged VDog and given her bras.
Have bonded with No Watch Me Christine.
Have contemplated throwing my computer in the garbahzhe because the wireless is shit and I”m having to blog at BlogHer on Scout’s PC intead of my Mac.
Have mutually played the who the fuck are you game with Loralee and then fell into each others’ arms.
Have suppressed urge to throw Mr. Lady down on the ground and make sweet, sweet like to her. And take a photo for Audubon Ron.
Have shown my new hair to Whoorl – which yes, I know, means ya’ll deserve pix. See above comment re: computer issues at BlogHer.
Have been to Guy Kawasaki‘s house.
Have had the BEST vodka tonic’s ever made. See drunk and why I can’t link right now.
Have taken photo of the Bloggess giving an interview next to a urinal with Gwen from Kirtsy.
Have talked to Doodaddy and strangely got all chicken about talking to Cry it out Mike.
But wasn’t too chicken to attach mah bewbs to CityMama‘s BlogHer badge. (I’m a little shamed of that now.)
Given big big hugs to Kyla, JCK and Playgroupie.
And certainly not least, got to hear Mrs. Flinger say fuck. More than once.
Wish you were all here, I’m helping show Carl a wonderful time.
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Twas the night before BlogHer
and all through my house
there was packing and cursing
thank God no mouse.
*
The flasks were filled in the kitchen with care
In hopes that Mr. Lady would sure want to share.
*
The Kaiser was passed out all sprawled in HIS bed
While visions of shoe shopping danced in my head.
Scout on the computer and I on the floor
Declared that our luggage could hold no more …
(okay! now it’s your turn to add a line, or a stanza. You can be bitter if you want – this is a well rounded poem ripoff!)
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Historically I have some wicked bad anxiety over flying. It’s so bad that I’ve convinced myself many times that if I get over my anxiety that the plane will fall out of the sky. (It’s a phobia, it’s supposed to be irrational.)
I was sitting in the airport with my Dad several years ago and commented on my anxiety. He was shocked to hear it because he LOVED to fly, wanted to get on the plane first, sit by a window and enjoy the whole thing.
Which I found a little strange considering he’d been on recovery teams for the airline crash in Guam and EgyptAir.
I took comfort knowing that if I was on a plane that crashed that my dad would be on the recovery team – and God wouldn’t be so horrid as to make my Dad sift for me – so clearly I wasn’t going to die in a crash, and my anxiety was keeping the plane aloft anyway, so I had two things going for me!
And then he went and died. Fucker. Now what I was supposed to do?
Anyway. Back to that airport chat.
AFTER I tell him I’m SCARED of flying, he relays the following experience (told in his words. Add your own drawl as needed.)
“I was on a flight to go to conference to speak about [one of the airline crashes]. I opened my briefcase and started going through notes and pictures. I noticed the guy next to me perk up and looking over my shoulder. He finally said, “Okay, WHAT are you doing looking at plane crash photos on an airplane?”
“We talked for a while, I explained what I did. He asked me what would make my job easier and I told him I wished that when a plane was going down that everyone shove their thumb up their ass.”
(um, zomgwtf Dad?)
“Well, you see, there tends to be fires with air crashes. Fingerprints are great identifiers but easily lost in a fire. A torso is very thick and would protect that thumb/fingerprint and make identification much easier and be able to get the victims back to their loved ones.”
“After the flight, I got my luggage and went to the bathroom where I ran into this guy again, and he told me he’d thought a lot about what I said and if he was ever on a plane that went down, I’d know who he was because of the thumb up his ass.”
So when Scout and Alex and I flew to Chicago a couple weeks back, I asked, “So do we round robin the thumbs up the ass? If so, I totally get Alex’s thumb.”
(I bet AllTop is real proud of this entry!)
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Wanna find me live? Head to Sarcastic Mom and help determine the future of my hair.
Originally posted July 7, 2007
So Aunt Flo has come to visit again. Now, typically I can get by the first day without having to really address the issue – I mean I don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t have to stop going commando.
Well apparently this one is different. Apparently this one decided t come on immediately. Which I didn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t know until about 11pm when I got off the bed and saw a spot. This is after I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢d gotten strawberry juice on the bed anyway. Hotel cleaning service is gonna love me.
Now it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s at this time that I realize all my pads etc are in some storage bin in some part of town. I remember being in my bathroom before we moved, looking at my stash going, eh, might as well pack that, I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m sure that period I got a few weeks ago was just a fluke, what are the chances that me being irregular AND breast feeding are going to yield a period before we get moved in?
Apparently just enough to fuck with me at 11pm when there?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s no way I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m waking up Tiny Baby Kaiser to go to the store.
So I remedy the situation with a breast pad in the pants and feel quite smart.
Until I wake up the next morning, sit up to pump and promptly make a spot on the bed the size of?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ well it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s large.
At this point it occurs to me that the better choice for absorbency in an emergency might have been all the DIAPERS rather than a pad the size of a nipple that?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s not really made for this sort of thing.
Yeah.
So to just make today even better?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. I haul ass out of here to go to the store to get actual pads. Now I recently read a post on another blog that made me not want to buy Always. I also didn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t feel like I needed a woman diaper, so I opted against Kotex. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m not quite up to trying tampons after Alex – the geography has changed enough that I don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t want to play that game quite yet. So Carefree. Yeah. My mom used to use Carefree, this seemed like a good choice. I didn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t want a femme diaper so I got ?¢‚Ǩ?ìmedium coverage?¢‚Ǩ¬ù This seemed like a great choice.
Um yeah. It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s a fucking pantiliner. I have 96 ?¢‚Ǩ?ìmedium coverage?¢‚Ǩ¬ù pads that are pantiliners. Don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t let the packaging fool you. It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s a liner. It doesn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t say this anywhere on the box. But it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s a liner.
Oh yeah. This day is just *awesome*.
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Click the link to see more participants!
A reinactment of our flight last week. After the airport sucked balls, it all got so much funnier.
First there was the Matron of Honor on the day after the wedding who did a lot of this in the bathroom….
And a lot of this on the plane….
Then there was the bachelor party returning home after the groom did too much this….
Our landing was pretty much like this….
(photo grabbed from here)
As soon as the plane stopped shuddering the groom stumbled out of the bathroom….
And the entire back of the plane laughed at him like he was dressed like this….
The End
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