Archive for December, 2008

Dec 31

The Requisite Post for the New Year

*as I write this, I’m working on my buzz with a wine called Damifino, I am harrassing friends on Twitter, Scout is sleeping upstairs, Alex is sleeping upstairs, my mom is working crosswords across the room from me. All is well – which makes me twitch, I’m not a natural optimist – keep this in mind for the rest of the post*

Suckit08 is almost over.

It has been a shit year for me and for lots of you around me. (I’d link to you all, but see “Damifino” reference above.)

And we have all survived. (Well, that’s not true – we aren’t ALL here, that’s part of what SUCKS.)

I am deciding to believe that 2009 will be my year, our year.

Months ago, Grandy mentioned BRINGIT09. I’ve lived on this phrase since I read it and sent her the response of “fuck yeah! Bringit09!” She even has her own post about Suckit08 and Bringit09.

BRINGIT09! will be the year of excess for me.

An excess of health.

An excess of love.

An excess of joy.

bringit09

Happy New Year 2009, I’m as happy to see you as Loter is to see her wine.

Share photos on twitter with Twitpic

(it’s 12:01. I actually felt the weight pull off me. it’s a new year. Happy New Year!)

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Dec 29

Save Handmade!

Save Handmade Toys

The first I saw of the Consumer Product Improvement Act (CPSIA) was through Cool Mom Picks – I gave it a skim and mentally set it aside for later (like after Christmas travel). Then I received email from Mother Nurture, then I started seeing links to it everywhere – you’d think I’d be more up on it being that Comfed Out Kaiser is my biz, but it almost fell through the cracks.

The concept is good – let’s test the stuff available for sale to our kids. However, it appears to be geared for large corporations, big box stores and mass production – with a side effect of decimating small business -

“With this act going into effect February 10 2009 so many people we love will be affected: Moms who sew beautiful handmade waldorf dolls out of home, artists who have spent decades hand-carving trucks and cars out of natural woods, that guy at the craft show who sold you the cute handmade puzzle–even larger US companies who employ local workers and have not once had any sort of safety issue will no longer be able to sell their goods.”

Cool Mom Picks

I’m all for adding my voice, but sometimes finding the words is hard – There is a form letter from the Handmade Toy Alliance that I have used as a base for my own letter (their letter has some glaring grammar errors that drive me a little nutty). The HTA link also has contact information to help you find who to send your letter to. Use their letter, use my letter (with attribution to me and the Handmade Toy Alliance if you publish it online) but please say something! You can also vote here:

From: [your name and address]

To: [your congress person or senator]

Re: Changes needed to the Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act (CPSIA) to Save Handmade Toys in the USA

Dear [your congress person or senator],

The goal of this letter is to ask you to request the Consumer Product Safety Commission to make some very reasonable exclusions in their interpretation of the law as they continue their rule making process.

Like many people, I am concerned about the dangerous and poisonous toys that large toy manufacturers have been selling to our nation’s families. I am pleased that Congress acted quickly to protect America’s children by enacting the CPSIA.

However, I am very concerned that the CPSIA’s mandates for third party testing and labeling will have a dramatic and negative effect on small toy makers in the USA, Canada, and Europe, whose toy safety record has always been exemplary. It will also devastate small manufacturers of children’s clothes and other handmade goods for children.

Because of the fees charged by third party testing companies, many manufacturers, especially makers of beautiful wooden toys and unique children’s clothes across the nation will be driven out of business. Their cottage workshops simply do not make enough money to afford a potential $4,000 price tag per toy that third party testers are charging. A toy with a wholesale price of $10 would have to sell 400 units just to cover the price of testing.

In the current economic climate, I chose to spend my Christmas present budget at the smaller online stores Good for the Kids (www.goodforthekids.com) and KangarooBoo (www.kangarooboo.com). I like their products, appreciate the exemplary customer service and feel better about supporting a small business over a large corporation who would not notice my $50 purchase.

I urge you to quickly request the Consumer Product Safety Commission to make some very reasonable exclusions in their interpretation of the law as they continue their rulemaking process.

For example:

  • Rational exclusions from lead testing of materials including wood, paper, cotton, and other materials known by science to not contain lead.
  • The CPSC should recognize that the concept of batches does not pertain to small manufacturers or certain industries such as clothing in the same way that it does with large toy manufacturers and should provide exemptions to batch labeling based upon the production modes of each manufacturer.
  • There should be mechanisms put in place to protect or provide relief for micro-businesses. The model the FDA uses (http://www.cfsan.fda.gov/~dms/sbnle.html) to exempt small producers from food labeling requirements is a model to guide this relief.

These toy makers and crafters have earned and kept the public’s trust. They provide jobs for hundreds and quality items for thousands. Their unique businesses should be protected. Please visit www.handmadetoyalliance.org to learn more about this issue and see the attached Petition to the CPSC from the National Association of Manufacturers.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

[your name]

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Dec 24

Christmas and Vibrators and Lingerie

because we all need a laugh.

It was the first Christmas Eve that Scout and I spent together. We sat round the table eating dinner, and I had just sunk my teeth into a cookie when his mother said:

“We were halfway through Iowa when we realized we left the vibrator at home!”

Now, I like a sitcom actress sat with my teeth settled in that cookie, fearing to move at all.

Turns out what she meant was that they had some sort of back rub apparatus that plugged into the wall and vibrated. But Dear God! the visual!

Which took my train of thought game to my second story.

We were all gathered around my grandma as she unwrapped her Christmas presents. One present was one of those massage pads that you put in a chair that is supposed to do shiatsu or some sh… anyway.

The pad was plugged in and as it roared up it’s BUUUUZZZZZZZZZZ! Each grandchild in the room started glancing nervously at another – until we started that flicker of recognition with each other and started to laugh.

Apparently, my family is big into “the toys”. Or our minds are all in the gutter. Or both.

My final story took place as I worked in the lingerie section of a major department store on Christmas Eve one year. (Jennifer – we’re talking Famous Barr at the mall) We had the standard bras, underwear, nightgowns and robes, but in the back was a tacky little rack filled with icky scratchy underthings that just looked so uncomfortable that OF COURSE you would immediately want them off your body to save you from the chafing.

So this rather rough, unsavory looking character comes up to the register with one of these items in his hand. I start ringing it up, one eye on the clock that was counting down the last 15 minutes of the shift when his words broke through:

“Ah thought ’bout buyin’ two o’ these.”

I really didn’t have any reply.

“This’n mahght git all tore up.”

And I REALLY didn’t have any reply!

Merry Christmas Eve – Alex is asleep, Scout is heading to bed early, I’m going to watch Love Actually while my mom works crossword puzzles, and I may just get those decorations up yet :)

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Dec 20

Protected: I Was Santa Claus

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Dec 18

Out in the west Texas town of El Paso . . .

If we could ever GET there.

This is our first real live vacation since June 2006. Which absolutely makes me think something apocolyptic is going to happen to just try to jack up the ante of Suckit08 a little more.

We were planning to leave the house at 8am.

I woke at 8:01am.

Whoops.

No time to look for my cell phone with the dead battery that Alex hid zeusonlyknowswhere.

We made it to the airport on time, and our flight was delayed 50 minutes.

We had a 47 minute layover scheduled in Houston.

Houston, we have a problem.

“Luckily” for us, the first 2 flights of the day were cancelled, and the 3rd flight arrived 4 hours late, and our flight is currently running 3 hours and 15 minutes late. Good times.

I have paid 22 dollars for airport food.

I have paid 795 for wireless – which is why I’m using it every second we are stuck in this hell hole.

I keep seeing women who look all hawt and put together. Meanwhile I’m just hot and sweaty and UNSHOWERED. (see wake up time above)

I have paid 21 dollars for the most hysterically appropriate tshirts for Texas Red and I – and the impetus for actually buying them and not just chuckling was “hey, I can blawg that”.

I have rolled my eyes, I have made myself on food ….

I have teared up when a middle aged white Texan man stopped and said, “Thank you for what you are doing for us. God bless you,” to the Mexican/Latino female in uniform.

I have seen an actual, honest to Krisha, Hari Krishna. In an airport.

Now I’ve blogged this adventure, can I claim this entire trip as a business expense now?

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Dec 10

Wine is dangerous yo.

It makes me all low IQ gurl and offering drinks to VDog.

And do crazy shit like post twice in one day.

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Dec 10

Protected: Why knockin’ on wood makes me flinch.

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Dec 08

Things you need to leave the house with a toddler

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Dec 02

Yoga. Y.O.G.A. Yoga.

Scout and I once joined a gym. It did not begin well. Here is my reflection on that:

Do not, I repeat, do not join a gym and have your fitness assessment the day before you start your period. Also if you happen to be caught in a traffic that makes a 40 minute drive take 2 hours and 11 minutes – also just call the damn gym and cancel the appointment (please note where I was sitting in traffic is the highway where the bridge collapsed this summer). If your English import sports bra (the only f*cking place on the planet that markets a sports bra actually effective for what I need a sportsbra for) has not yet come in, take it as a sign and do NOT go to the appointment.

If you do not heed this advice you will almost roll your eyes at the nutrition counselor. You will get teary eyed when your husband tries to comfort you b/c he’s a smart boy and recognizes the signs of impending emotional disaster but has not yet come to realize that touching at this moment of pre-explosion only brings doom closer.

After your nutrition session where you learn that the counselor won’t even answer a simple question about SERVING SIZE without referring you to her low low price intro program of 129 (and 99 cents of course) with followup sessions of 89.99 (why don’t they just round up? does their computer system not have a zero on the keyboard?) you will be uncharacteristically pissed. Oh the fact that your BMI=overweight isn’t helping either.

The pissed feeling from this, when combined with the next task in 10 minutes of your fitness assessment with a muscle bound dude will manifest itself in an embarrassed crying fit in the front of the gym.

When you actually go for the fitness assessment your tender baby feelings will get hurt in all new ways when muscle bound plunks the results of your test down – The good news is that I have “average” bicep strength …. for a woman of course. I have poor flexibility – even though Scout did tell me afterward that the machine quit recording before I was done “flexing” so we’ll just disregard that score until later. THEN I have 33% body fat – guess who’s breathing on the door of obese in a way that if I turn too quickly I might knock it down with my “overweight” ass? My personal favorite was the cardio – after a nice brisk 5 minute walk that actually didn’t make me feel like I was going to die I felt pretty good till the treadmill kicks out “Below Average – 25.” Huh, yeah, turns out I need my cardio score to go up like 3 points before I can even work my way up to the “poor” range.

And to top it off – my body age is 38. uh huh. 38. But for about 900 dollars and eight sessions with a trainer I could be well on my way away from not being almost 40.

Your freak show somewhat in shape, TALL, possessing of a metabolism husband will choose to stay behind and run a couple miles. This works well b/c you can go home, bawl into your cat’s fur (I do not mean this euphemistically as a ‘pussy’ kind of joke – I’m not that flexible – see the above score for proof of that) snot on husband’s pillow and moan over aching boobs (see no sports bra reference above).

You will say screw it and order bbq pizza, and cheese bread and drink DP with schnapps for dinner. This will make you rather amorous as the schnapps hits your system. This will make you romance your husband. This will work really well until the schnapps wears off about the time it gets really interesting and the aches and pains in the boobs and the cramps will overtake any fun and you plead a raincheck with your husband for another night.

You will awake the next morning and be thrilled when you see your period has started. This will confirm that you are not loony, depressed, fat, weak, unsexy, or any of the other things that have wandered through your mind – including pregnant.

So to sum up – no gym assessment when premenstrual. Don’t do it.

***

We have a new gym. I’ve been to yoga at the new gym and it’s all about the reach to the sky and into downward facing pretzel at aerobic speeds. Uncool. Factor in the Kaiser still won’t stay in daycare there (or anywhere) and I’m not getting much for exercise again. However if dear Magpie would hook me up with a Wii Fit, I’d be back in the yoga (Y.O.G.A. yoga … like the Weird Al song YODA) swing again, and Alex could see me off my ass and doing something healthy for myself – and all for less than 900 dollars and tears at the gym!

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Dec 01

Another quick dose of cute

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