This is one of those times where I will work a nerve, along with giving some common sense advice to those unfortunate passengers who have the bad luck to have to sit near that demon of air travel – the active toddler.

Rest assured that I am doing my best to keep the active toddler

1. still
2. quiet
3. happy
4. safe
5. out of your personal space

all while keeping up with ever changing TSA, FAA, and individual airline rules, laws, guidelines, regulations, whims and tempers.

Signs to watch for that I *AM* trying to parent just as fast as I can

1. I am sweating
2. My hair is flying out of its uneven pony tail
3. I am wearing sensible shoes
4. I am SWEATING! Whores in church don’t get this hot!
5. I am using the mini magna doodle to draw airplanes, buses and big trucks on demand, while making sounds pleasing the the active toddler to keep the active toddler 1. still 2. quiet 3. happy 4. safe 5. out of your personal space.

*IF* by chance you spot my toddler attempting to place gum in your hair while I am

1. texting on my phone
2. twittering on my computer and
3. drinking a grande espresso truffle coffee

THEN, guess what – kick my ass – I deserve it.

*IF* by chance my toddler?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s LAUGHING (as a result of me using the mini magna doodle to draw airplanes, buses and big trucks on demand, while making sounds pleasing the the active toddler) disturbs your nap that you insist on being able to take on our 11am flight AND there are AT LEAST 10 available seats on our flight – MOVE YOUR ASS TO A DIFFERENT SEAT – you are a grown up – you have a carry on and the ability to sit anywhere in the aircraft.

I am a grown up with a toddler, a carry on, a blanket, a CARES harness, half my second carry on strewn about our row of seats in my attempts to keep active toddler 1. still 2. quiet 3. happy 4. safe 5. out of YOUR personal space (you effing krajee bitch!) We can ONLY sit on the right side of the aircraft (because that is where the infant/child oxygen masks are in the event of a loss of cabin pressure) and ONLY in NON exit row seats. Oh – and incidentally, it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s mid morning. You don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t need a nap. You also don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t need to hug and kiss your husband, lay across him continually bounce the seat back so that my non alcoholic, non staining, non carbonated, non sugared drink shakes. (Yes, it was water. With toddler backwash.)

(This situation was resolved in part by Scout and Alex going to sit in an empty row on the back of the plane – on the right side of the aircraft, in a non exit row; in another part by me burning holes in the back of her poorly dyed hair, writing this blog post and laughing my ass off (inside) when the Captain turned on the fasten seat belt sign upon descent and watching krajee bitch unbuckle her belt, stand up and slam her head into the ceiling. I delighted in the bumpy turbulence on the way down – I hope krajee bitch peed all over her shoes and that my kid kicked her as she walked down the aisle.)

As a secondary note to flight attendants – The words ?¢‚Ǩ?ìYou can?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t?¢‚Ǩ¬ù are just a challenge to me. It brings out the ?¢‚Ǩ?ìWanna bet??¢‚Ǩ¬ù part of my personality. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve had my kid open the door from the family restroom and expose my girly bits to a terminal full of people at MSP, I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve cleaned poopy butt with a single square of toilet paper and not gotten anything under my nails. I can can singsong count 1-100 without taking a breath. AND I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m stubborn enough that I managed childbirth without any drugs. You and your navy blue pumps don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t. scare. me.

Similarly – You have eyes – please use them. If I am ass up in a seat wrangling a CARES harness while my husband is covered in carry on luggage and toddler while sitting on the LEFT side of the aircraft – don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t look at us and say, ?¢‚Ǩ?ìHe can?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t sit there.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù Uh yeah, I know, that?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s why I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m monkey fucking this FAA approved harness into place so he can sit ovah heah.

Take a pointer from the sweet flight attendant on this flight – when she used her eyes, she simply reinforced what she was quite sure we already knew – ?¢‚Ǩ?ìAh, you know you need to transfer him over,?¢‚Ǩ¬ù and smiled and walked away.

Meanwhile – If you are doing your final walk through and my kid has popped down the tray table while I am wrangling his very unhappy eight arms and legs through the harness and attempting to buckle him in while he is resisting and yelling ?¢‚Ǩ?ìNo, No, Nooooooo.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù and 1. I am sweating 2. My hair is flying out of its uneven pony tail 3. I. AM. SWEATING. 4. I am no longer wearing sensible shoes because one has fallen off my foot and the unhappy toddler is beating me over the head with it and he is not 1. still 2. quiet 3. happy but I am CLEARLY trying my damndest to make him 4. safe – please don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t tell me I can?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t have my tray table down – Cuz yeah, I know. I’ll get to it.

Now if you will excuse me – we are about to land and I am looking forward to getting home and putting active toddler down for a nap so I can 1. text on my phone, 2. twitter on my computer and 3. drink a grande espresso truffle coffee.