I miss Scout.

In the OMG where is he? Screaming out of me.

I don’t usually do this when he’s gone.

To be honest, knowing that Mom was going to be here while he was in Indy this week, I really had it in my head that we would “fix” everything. Two women and a baby, without feeling like I needed to support Scout and help him with this baby thing.

Wrong.

I want my hubs. I miss my hubs.

Yes, it’s partially b/c I have no guilt handing Alex off at any given time (poopy, screaming, whatev) and I do to Mom. I also feel guilty sleeping with Mom here. There’s a help.

I’ve just really been used to Scout here all the time in the last month and to suddenly have him GONE feels wrong.

It may be because of the shit-tastic time we had last week. I need to sit down and write all of that out, face the past and move the fuck on, and this is the ideal time to do it.

I miss him.

For the first time I really feel okay about the move – I’d be doing this on my own SO MUCH if we weren’t moving.

I couldn’t tell him on the phone tonight how much I wanted him home, he wants to be home too.

I can read on the computer and hold sleeping Alex at the same time. Skillz, mad skillz I have.

Anyway, I blog jump to find interesting stuff to read to keep me awake because we are still waking every 75 minutes to eat and I do better just staying awake.

I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant. With my irregular cycles and birth certificte accurate age, I had 4 medical professionals tell me it would take drugs to get me knocked up. Scout and I were in agreement that if we couldn’t get pregnant then we’d be okay with that.

Then strangely my cycles sort of got their shit together, or at the very least they learned to send up flares when I was ovulating. Three years of sex, no pill, cycle watching and the occasional condom – no baby. Which was a good thing.

We went to Europe, we came home, and on our 1st anniversary the familiar flare showed itself and we commenced trying. And there was Alex.

So much for the opinions of all those jagoff doctors.

Anyway. My blog jumping took me to this blog, all about a woman going through fertiity treatment. It’s been an amazing read, making me grateful for Alex in a new way. I know I wouldn’t have gone the fertility route, so I know now what I would have been missing.

Anyway. Read this post on Mother’s Day. You can start halfway down where she talks about her mother and the eyepatch. Damn that’s great stuff.

I’m purposefully sitting in a room that doesn’t have Alex in it. I can hear him. He’s moving, he’s sneezing, he’s NOT sleeping, but he’s NOT screaming so all is well.

Except that I’M not sleeping.

and now he’s crying. fuck it all, I’m not going to survive till morning.

Oh yeah, feed the baby, burp the baby, watch the baby spit up, watch the spit up roll straight down the cavern of the cleavage. Oh yeah.

Whew.

I love him. : )

Today I spent screwing my head on from yesterday – I’ll tell about that someday. But for now, it’s time to sleep.

Incoherent, sleepy, achy, gaining weight by merely looking at food. Come on Alex, join the world.

Things are that suck:

Snowing on APRIL 11TH!!! Seriously!!!!!

Things that don’t suck (aka a positive byproduct of pregnancy)

Actual orgasms during dreams.

I don’t brag on my husband very often, but after having a rather rough day, and him engineering a way to get the mobile attached to the bed, I have to say, slow dancing to the Pottery Barn Kids mobile rendition of “Walk with the animals” with him did make me feel more like facing this parenthood thing.

I just slept 9 1/2 hours, and woke up without being in serious pain, and when I got up was able to walk with a little stiffness but not at all like a 90 year old woman with arthritis.

I’ll concede that it is just possible that the chiropractor did some good yesterday.

And that my bladder did not wake me up.

And that the cat did not wake us up on her morning “give me tuna and turn on the fireplace” campaign.

Now if the stupid ReMax people wouldn’t have called before 8am, maybe I’d still be asleep. Hm.

So I’m not going to be raising a girl – but I came across this and thought it was well done – and thought I’d share it with y’all

http://melinor.blogspot.com/2007/03/dispirited-thoughts-after-hard-day.html

While I did get to avoid being “checked” (or as Becky says “I sure don’t miss those frequent checkups where they dig into you like they are looking for their car keys.”) when I had to leave the “sample” I did pee all over my hand. Sigh.