THE OFFICIAL ROOM 704 PARTY PIMPAGE POST (in it’s full glory):

DRINKS sponsored by:

and

And of course, drinks paid for by YOU!!!

AWESOME swag from:

PLUS MANY, MANY MORE!!! (We can’t give away ALL our surprises! But oh yes! Eden Fantasys and GoGirl are BRINGIN’ IT.)

Here’s how it’s going to go down – as best as we can tell anyway. Remember – we’re as transparent as saran wrap. No, we will not model the saran wrap for you.

10:30pm you will begin leaving the awesome People’s Party and making your way to “Java East.” Now, we are not encouraging you to dump another party for ours, NAY, we are encouraging you to make your way to us so the faboo ladies hosting the People’s Party can head on up to us as well, take a sigh of relief, relax, put their feet up and revel in a job well done; a party well thrown.

About the location – “Java East”….. oh Java East. Through a series of … interesting communications we have a very casual layout. We have easy accessibility, we have comfy couches…. we have a section of the first floor lobby. We feel for the people who decided *this* was a great idea, they’ll learn. They should consider themselves fortunate we are not decorating with inflatable penises …. Anyway. We will be very easy to find. Want to see it? Java East/Lobby Level/Sheraton Chicago. When it starts the 360 sweep and you see the fountain, hit pause. There is our area.

Hour One – 10:30pm-11:30pm

About the drinks: The first 200 people to make it to the bar at our party will get a tasty vodka drink on us. No tickets, no bracelets, whatever Hotel pricing for drinks is … WOW. So ask for your drinks without ice, and be sure to say big fat THANK YOUS to sponsors of *all* the parties at BlogHer. If you are potential sponsor reading this who would like to buy a round of drinks? Feel free to reach out to us at contact at room704 dot us. If you are still thirsty after our drinks run out, head to the ChiBar right next to us, get a drink and come back out to the party (yes, we’ve cleared that with the Sheraton big wigs, and yes, you can get “light fare” there too (aka FOOD) FYI).

About the swag: As a great big thank you to those who purchased ads from us — we are putting a sticker on a swag bag with your name on it. One bag per person, so yes, even if you ordered multiple ads/spots, it’s still gonna be one bag. Since we can’t figure out a good way to make sure you get a drink, we’ll make sure you get a swag bag. (We will also be posting the catalog at Room704 so everyone can see the awesome.) The rest of the bags will go out on a first come first served basis. If you would like a “vanilla” bag (i.e., one that doesn’t go “buzz” in the night) – be sure to grab one of the ‘ProtectABed’ bags and not the brown bags

Hour Two – 11:30pm-12:30am

You can continue to get drinks from the ChiBar – and we will begin our giveaways. We have a LOT to giveaway. A LOT. So be sure to drop us your card when you get to the party so you are entered! We plan to have a place set up between the columns in front of the fountains. We’ll be the ones in the purple feather boas.

At some point we will be pimping and honoring our special guests — Stefania Pomponi Butler, a “Very Clever Girl(tm),” aka CityMama, and Michelle Lamar, aka White Trash Mom, who will be selling & signing copies of her book, The White Trash Mom’s Handbook. So don’t forget to bring some cash money for your book (and to buy something from ANOTHER special guest, yet to be announced!).

Last but not least, if you would like the latest in the series of buttons for the party – here it is!

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<img class=*aligncenter size-medium wp-image-1758* src=*http://room704.us/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/bethere-146×300.png* width=*146* height=*300* />
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THANK YOU BEESHES AND GENTLEBEESHES!! WE LOVES YOUS AND HOPE TO SEE YOUS DERE!!!!!!!

Editor?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s Note: And for those of you not attending the Blogher Conference – we have not forgotten you! Blogher@Home has been set up to be chock full of giveaway sand fun times for those NOT attending the conference. And Room 704 (Purveyors of Swag!) has been putting together a very lovely Swag Opp for all the fabulous At Homes! So get in on the fun. Go here and sign up for your chance to win some awesome swag that we?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve rounded up from some amazing sponsors who care about you even if you can?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t attend a conference.

Rest assured that I am doing my best to keep the active toddler

1. still
2. quiet
3. happy
4. safe
5. out of your personal space

all while keeping up with ever changing TSA, FAA, and individual airline rules, laws, guidelines, regulations, whims and tempers.

Signs to watch for that I *AM* trying to parent just as fast as I can

1. I am sweating
2. My hair is flying out of its uneven pony tail
3. I am wearing sensible shoes
4. I am SWEATING! Whores in church don’t get this hot!
5. I am using the mini magna doodle to draw airplanes, buses and big trucks on demand, while making sounds pleasing the the active toddler to keep the active toddler 1. still 2. quiet 3. happy 4. safe 5. out of your personal space.

*IF* by chance you spot my toddler attempting to place gum in your hair while I am

1. texting on my phone
2. twittering on my computer and
3. drinking a grande espresso truffle coffee

THEN, guess what – kick my ass – I deserve it.

*IF* by chance my toddler?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s LAUGHING (as a result of me using the mini magna doodle to draw airplanes, buses and big trucks on demand, while making sounds pleasing the the active toddler) disturbs your nap that you insist on being able to take on our 11am flight AND there are AT LEAST 10 available seats on our flight – MOVE YOUR ASS TO A DIFFERENT SEAT – you are a grown up – you have a carry on and the ability to sit anywhere in the aircraft.

I am a grown up with a toddler, a carry on, a blanket, a CARES harness, half my second carry on strewn about our row of seats in my attempts to keep active toddler 1. still 2. quiet 3. happy 4. safe 5. out of YOUR personal space (you effing krajee bitch!) We can ONLY sit on the right side of the aircraft (because that is where the infant/child oxygen masks are in the event of a loss of cabin pressure) and ONLY in NON exit row seats. Oh – and incidentally, it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s mid morning. You don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t need a nap. You also don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t need to hug and kiss your husband, lay across him continually bounce the seat back so that my non alcoholic, non staining, non carbonated, non sugared drink shakes. (Yes, it was water. With toddler backwash.)

(This situation was resolved in part by Scout and Alex going to sit in an empty row on the back of the plane – on the right side of the aircraft, in a non exit row; in another part by me burning holes in the back of her poorly dyed hair, writing this blog post and laughing my ass off (inside) when the Captain turned on the fasten seat belt sign upon descent and watching krajee bitch unbuckle her belt, stand up and slam her head into the ceiling. I delighted in the bumpy turbulence on the way down – I hope krajee bitch peed all over her shoes and that my kid kicked her as she walked down the aisle.)

As a secondary note to flight attendants – The words ?¢‚Ǩ?ìYou can?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t?¢‚Ǩ¬ù are just a challenge to me. It brings out the ?¢‚Ǩ?ìWanna bet??¢‚Ǩ¬ù part of my personality. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve had my kid open the door from the family restroom and expose my girly bits to a terminal full of people at MSP, I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve cleaned poopy butt with a single square of toilet paper and not gotten anything under my nails. I can can singsong count 1-100 without taking a breath. AND I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m stubborn enough that I managed childbirth without any drugs. You and your navy blue pumps don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t. scare. me.

Similarly – You have eyes – please use them. If I am ass up in a seat wrangling a CARES harness while my husband is covered in carry on luggage and toddler while sitting on the LEFT side of the aircraft – don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t look at us and say, ?¢‚Ǩ?ìHe can?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t sit there.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù Uh yeah, I know, that?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s why I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m monkey fucking this FAA approved harness into place so he can sit ovah heah.

Take a pointer from the sweet flight attendant on this flight – when she used her eyes, she simply reinforced what she was quite sure we already knew – ?¢‚Ǩ?ìAh, you know you need to transfer him over,?¢‚Ǩ¬ù and smiled and walked away.

Meanwhile – If you are doing your final walk through and my kid has popped down the tray table while I am wrangling his very unhappy eight arms and legs through the harness and attempting to buckle him in while he is resisting and yelling ?¢‚Ǩ?ìNo, No, Nooooooo.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù and 1. I am sweating 2. My hair is flying out of its uneven pony tail 3. I. AM. SWEATING. 4. I am no longer wearing sensible shoes because one has fallen off my foot and the unhappy toddler is beating me over the head with it and he is not 1. still 2. quiet 3. happy but I am CLEARLY trying my damndest to make him 4. safe – please don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t tell me I can?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t have my tray table down – Cuz yeah, I know. I’ll get to it.

Now if you will excuse me – we are about to land and I am looking forward to getting home and putting active toddler down for a nap so I can 1. text on my phone, 2. twitter on my computer and 3. drink a grande espresso truffle coffee.

On Valentine’s Day, this song played on the radio, then the DJ came on and called it a “love song for Valentines.”

Um. Really? Let’s break it down:

“All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You” by Heart

It was a rainy night
When he came into sight,
Standing by the road,
No umbrella, no coat.

(He doesn’t even have the sense to come in out of the rain. Always a good sign.)

So I pulled up alongside
And I offered him a ride.

(What are the chances the guy who didn’t have the sense to come in out of the rain was attractive, as opposed to this?)

He accepted with a smile,
So we drove for a while.
I didn’t ask him his name,
This lonely boy in the rain.
Fate, tell me its right,
Is this love at first sight?
Please don’t make it wrong,
Just stay for the night.

(Aw, a one night stand with someone you picked up on the side of the road, who doesn’t have the sense to come in out of the rain and who’s name you don’t know.)

(This is where I need to tell you that the phrase “make love” is as irritating to me as “moist” and “panties” are to some of you. For the remainder of the lyrics, I will replace that phrase with what is really going on here.)

All I wanna do is take sperm from you
Say you will
You want me too
All I wanna do is take sperm from you
I’ve got lovin arms to hold on to

So we found this hotel,
It was a place I knew well

(She does this often? She knows the hourly rate? Do you think they have package deals?)

We made magic that night.
Oh, he did everything right
He brought the woman out of me,
So many times, easily

(Please. I can’t even bring the “woman out of ME” one time easily. Now I know for sure this song is full of it.)

And in the morning when he woke all
I left him was a note

(So this guy is going “SCORE” I don’t have to be all… so, you wanna get some breakfast? Although he was probably bummin’ that he lost his ride. I wonder if it’s still raining.)

I told him
I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden
We planted a tree

(And only a guy too dumb to come in out of the rain would be too dense to pick up on this reference.)

Don’t try to find me,
Please don’t you dare
Just live in my memory,
You’ll always be there

(Sweet, no child support!)

All I wanna do is take sperm from you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is take sperm from you
I’ve got lovin arms to hold on to

Oh, oooh, we made love, Love like strangers

(You mean awkward and bumpy?)

All night long
I got sperm

Then it happened one day,
We came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise
When he saw his own eyes

(Classy. Why didn’t she slap some sunglasses on the kid?)

I said please, please understand
I’m in love with another man

(But before she asked “is this love at first sight?”)

And what he couldn’t give me
Was the one little thing that you can

(This kid’s eyes are so distinctive that this random dude immediately knows he’s the sperm donor without needing a DNA test but the “other man” hasn’t figure it out … is she married to Stevie Wonder?)

All I wanna do is take sperm from you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is take sperm from you
Say you will, you want me too

All night long
All night long
All night long
All night long

(This song puts the VD in Valentine’s Day.)

(Want to watch the next best kept secret rise to the stratosphere? Click over the see the funniest new blog for women.)

And believe me, being 291 days pregnant, and having faced the idea of all kinds of needles and chemicals and surgery for over a week – with every contraction, my reaction is pretty much along the lines of “Thank you sir, may I have another?”

Spinal Tap, Veronica Mars S2, Scrubs S2, Friends S8, two different cake mixes, muffin mix, 3 kinds of ice cream, three boxes of jalapeno poppers, more chocolate, mac n cheese, chips, Milanos …. we did get the stuff we went in for – but holy crap all the other stuff! Scout’s done with work too so we’re home for the duration.

The walking helped make things settle in, after the oven turns out some desserty goodness I think we may have to go walk through the neighborhood.

Have napped. Have established Alex is extremely laid back and “unhurried”. I have explained to him that it’s possible we will also be “unhurried” when he is 16 and wanting a car as well. Or whatever else I can pull the Jewish mother routine on as he grows up.

I hate me, I hate Scout, I hate the baby, the cat has been smart enough to stay away from me so she’s safe from the hate, I hate the grandparents (all of them. Both of my parents have had “lovely” conversations with me today. Serves them right for trying to talk to the savage beast.)

I feel like a fucking circus midget (that’s for Carrie) in a cage at the zoo, what with all the grandparents calling all the GD time. Once a day one of them is on the horn or the email “just checking in”. I swear to God, if I ever lose my mind and decide and this is a good idea to get pregnant ever again, I’m not telling the grandparents until the baby decides to show the hell up. It’s like they are all afraid we’ll forget to call and tell them. Hate.

Otherwise, Kristen, I change my prior advice – call all the grandparents right now and tell them the docs set your due date back TWO weeks, not just one. I can not save myself, but you can still save yourself.

I’m also considering changing his name to Braxton Hicks instead of Alexander Jakob since that’s apparently his favorite thing in the universe.

Oh, and never fear, intermingled with all the hate is all the guilt that I’m a horrible fucking mother for feeling this way, causing irrepairable damage to my kid before he’s even born. Never fear.

And here I am. I keep telling Alex that he can either make the choice to come out on his own, or someone will help him. And that I’d rather he come out on his own.

I’m so cranky. Scout’s even watching Will Ferrell bloopers on you tube and I can’t manage to find them funny either. It’s hot and sticky and icky.

Alex has till 840am on Tuesday before the gentlest of the medical type interventions begin.

So if you’d wanna say a prayer or whatever that this boy decides he wants out between now and then…. In the words of Bill Lumbergh – “That’d be greeeeeaaaat.”

On the flip side of the medical interventions are those we can try at home. Nipple stimulation, sex (semen apparently has prostaglandins in it that can ripen the cervix – although why no one thinks this is concerning the other 14 months of pregnancy I’m not sure) and orgasms specifically.

Well, at least I’ll know how to use that breast pump when I actually have a kid to feed.

Is it bad to look up naughtiness on google as soon as your husband leaves the house? How the hell do you explain that? Yes son, I got myself off but it was all for you? WTF mate?

I told Scout today in the sonogram room that we might have to sign up for some strategically engineered mercy sex. “Get it up, put it in, get it off…..” I told him I’d even play some very special Liz Phair in the background for him …. mood music if you will.

Ahhhhh romance, ahhh candor, ahhhh TMI : )

It was like a sacrament – an outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace.

I was patted and loved on by several moms today. And one man who greeted me on my way in to work, a man who is so gentle you know his mama raised him right.

I finished testing a girl during 7th hour, my voice was even different while I read the script to her, softer or something.

I passed along good news to three different parent/students today that they had passed tests and wouldn’t have to deal with them again – they were finished.

I finished a book, a test, I let people know they had finished tasks, and I finished my pre Alex work life. All while being patted gently by other mothers.

Huh. Today was a blessing. What a gift. Huh.

I’m glad I sat down to write this – I’m glad I didn’t miss out on the gift of today.