Oh alliteration, you are SO much fun!

(The Flinger reference is for her.)

Knowing that I was due to deliver in April, it was safe to say that I had no expectations of being in my normal two piece by summer.

(To explain, I buy 2 pieces b/c my top and bottom are so out of proportion to each other that I don’t normally have much of a choice in the matter. Either the girls are falling out or my ass is baggy.)

I found a way cute, non black swimsuit and ordered it immediately.

What happened next… well… I’ll let you read:

Dear Self,

When you are 37 weeks pregnant, and you receive clothes you ordered for post pregnancy, it’s okay to try on the nursing bra, it’s okay to try on the shirts – especially when you find the shirts are actually stretchy enough to wear right freaking now, which is a beautiful thing since you are so sick of all of your clothes.

However, DO NOT get cocky and try to try on the one piece swimsuit, purchased to cover the stretch marks. You are NOT smart enough these days to put together the fact that when the swimsuit will NOT go up over your thighs that this is a SIGN that you clearly HAVE put on the recommended 30 pounds of baby weight and NOT a sign of a defective swimsuit. Do NOT then go and put on another swim suit – b/c even when it goes over your thighs it will barely stretch over your stomach – leaving your nipples slightly exposed. You need to go and thank God that you didn’t fall on your butt while you were tangled up in the swimsuit in the first place.



The swimsuit I ordered looked like this:


The way it looks on me is:


Poor little brown stripes, you didn’t stand a chance.