It’s dark

My arms and legs are so cold

My middle is warm

My neck hurts

My back hurts

So bad

I can’t get relief

I can’t change position

I lay my face in your hair

My knee never stops bouncing

 

I am so tired

 

This moment is painful

But I will hold it close

Because it’s better than the moment

I threw the rejected pacifier in anger

and the moment I wanted to throw you with that same force

and the moment I pictured taking you to the fire department

where the “safe place” sign resides

and walking away to a quiet place where I could sleep

 

I am so tired

 

My body is bent over yours

Trying to be a safe place for you to grow again

I still feel pain

From your developing form

 

This moment is painful

But better than feeling for the bumps in your mouth

the ones that would mean teeth

the ones that would tell of an end to this pain

for you and for me

it’s better than fully waking

to realize I will have to claw my way

through insomnia to sleep

only to wake again

 

My body hurts

But you breathe deep and even

You are heavy against me

You keep my heart warm

I shelter you here

While I pray for long sleep