It?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢s been a hard couple of days to live in my head.
1 am for some reason is the time some demon comes to visit. The hour of all my fears setting their teeth into me.
Two nights ago those teeth took the form of remembering a story relayed by a holocaust survivor about what happened to his infant niece. (And I?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢ll leave it at that, sharing the nightmare won?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢t ease it any).
And that story haunts me. Because the babies all look like Alex when the scene plays on fucking repeat when I?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢m at my most exhausted. And no amount of reminding myself that this took place 60 plus years ago helps ease me when the demon sink it?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢s teeth in.
But on the other hand. I look at Alex when the teeth are securely fastened and my mouth tightens a bit, and I know there is no way that anyone is getting to this boy without going through me. I feel that Mama Bear instinct strengthen in me more each time.
And realize the only way for me to do this motherhood thing is to go all in. Which I?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢ve never done before. People always get held off just that little bit, just that touch so I?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢m always left slightly independent of them, just in case something happens and they aren?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢t with me anymore. Even Scout. And I think he knows this. Which makes me a little sad.
I thought I could do motherhood the same way. But I?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢m beginning to see that it?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢s not going to be that way. I look at Alex and I know that no one is going to hurt him if there?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢s anything I can do about it. I?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢ve known from his birth that he?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢s one of my tribe. That he belongs to me. Spending the last ten days in the house with me, Alex, Scout and my mom was a ?¢‚Ç¨¬¶ it was bonding?¢‚Ç¨¬¶ for all of us ?¢‚Ç¨¬¶. I did realize what a blessing it was each ?¢‚Ç¨?ìnight?¢‚Ç¨¬ù (whenever my ?¢‚Ç¨?ìnight?¢‚Ç¨¬ù began) as I went to sleep, and remembered to say thank you for having the three people most important to me under my roof.
All in. This boy is going to make me go all in. I?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢ll have to in order to continue to go with a shortage of sleep. To feed him the one ounce per hour for the 10th time a day, to watch all my furniture take another hit of breast milk, spit up, or little boy pee, to not sleep by my husband, to listen to him cry (Alex, not Scout).
All in. And right now. Sitting here just after sunrise, Alex crashed out on my lap, one arm tucked behind his head like ?¢‚Ç¨?ìI?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢m the coolest 13 day old baby on the block?¢‚Ç¨¬ù, in actual non stained AND dry clothes, it?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢s easy to see how I will fall for this little boy again and again. It?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢s easy to overlook how loving this boy all in will break my heart on occasion, keep me scared at 1am for ?¢‚Ç¨¬¶ oh ?¢‚Ç¨¬¶ ever?¢‚Ç¨¬¶.. and whatever other God awful hard things are in the future.
Again, I?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢m looking over my shoulder trying to find where the adults are that are supposed to be taking care of all the big decisions.
Dawn, I”m truly loving reading all of these pieces of the ‘puzzle” that I missed – being a latecomer and all.
Alex is such a beautiful boy, I can just see you sitting there holding him fiercely…. it takes me back 16 years.
Ree’s last blog post..From the Desk of?¢‚Ç¨¬¶
For me it’s 2AM. Although since I got a memory foam mattress topper it’s closer to 3 or 4 now and doesn’t last as long. I had a really awful dream last night that woke me up, and I’m surprised that it only kept me up for a few minutes. Which of course meant my dream picked up where it left off.
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My demons are at 3:00 a.m., which is just as well because I’m on the back porch praying them away at 4:00.
I think I read in the Bible somewhere that demons actually do stir right before dawn. (No pun, get it, right before Dawn, nevermind). I’m weird. No what, maybe I got a weird demon in me 24/7. Where’s that number to my therapist, oh here it is, under a magnet on the frig.
Audubon Ron’s last blog post..Ducklings (No Video)
ps: Don’t let those girls bad mouth me at the People’s Party.
Audubon Ron’s last blog post..Ducklings (No Video)
These are truly amazing posts, Dawn.
VDog’s last blog post..Little Man Goes to Daddy’s Office
the planet of janet
i second what ree said. it’s wonderful for me to fill in the blanks of alex’s beginnings.
(and you go, mama bear. you go!)
the planet of janet’s last blog post..Mother of the year gets her grumpy on
Wow, what an awesome post. I think this is one of the things I struggle with – I am of course all in but I’m having trouble coming to terms with that. I’ve been ultra independent so long that I don’t really know how to be that connected with someone without freaking out. 😛 This parenthood stuff is so complicated.
Ewokmama’s last blog post..How I?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢m Using What I?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢ve Learned
Thirding what Ree said! Love the flashbacks. You write so well. That is precisely how I felt when my first was born and it rocked me down to my toes. Having lived through the teen years though, now I understand why that instinct needs to be so complete – prevents you from killing them before they turn 20 🙂
tpgoddess’s last blog post..You might be crazy if?¢‚Ç¨¬¶.
I loved what you said here about going all in. How lovely that you kept this blog right after your boy was born. To capture all those ferocious fears and the love for your child that socks you in the stomach – it is so fierce.
I’m sure it is amazing to reread these and remember.
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I’ve been struggling the past couple of nights with my worst teether EVER. He’s the youngest and makes me feel like I know nothing about being a mom. He screams and cries the loudest, and I wonder how he fits into our family. He belongs with us, is a gift- but we are still trying to understand each other. When I watch him sleep it helps me to put things in perspective, but I am so tired myself. Not liking being the grown-up right now…….You write so well.
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