Yesterday I was at rock bottom.
I read a facebook link, beautifully written, by a mother stepping out of her rock bottom of the bottle. I was ripped out of my link with her at her rock bottom when she mentioned her husband’s name. Which is the same as the Dude’s.
(But really, if you want to read something courageous and awesome – read what Heather wrote. I am merely a wuss in comparison.)
I chose to write about my rock bottom pain. I closed my comments because I didn’t want anyone to feel obligated to say anything. I just needed to put my words out there so I didn’t have to carry them.
But then . . . you found me . . . on twitter . . .
You held my hands with your words. It was so unexpected – a happy unexpected – to find you all there and reaching out. It helped. So much.
Today was also hard. Partially because, perhaps, in my anger and spite, I repossessed some items. Which. Maybe it was okay, maybe it wasn’t. Regardless, I had to deal with my actions.
I made it through work. Through a passive aggressive meeting where I was finally the one who threw down. Because, really, I have jack and shit to lose and *someone* needed to do it.
I *did* make my students laugh – They were concerned about me being out sick, I explained the gist of the situation, they felt for me, which, ugh. I’m not sure it’s okay for the teacher to be whining to her students about her love life. But there I was. Because if I was shorting them, I at least wanted them to know the lame ass reason why. One student went to help another student who was having a hard time getting an envelope to print the correct direction. I said, “Well, good luck, if it’s a boy printer it will change its mind by the time it comes out anyway.” The sound of their laughter felt good.
So. This weekend is Alex’s birthday. We are getting the car tomorrow and driving the nine hours to spend the two days to drive the nine hours back.
Yes. That would be the Dude and I. Trying this “friends” thing. I fully admit that I feel better when I am with him. That we have laughed together today more often than we’ve been angry. That I am sitting on his couch, with his heathen children and in this minute, I am happy with my little world. Even if is only borrowed.
I will float for the next 4 days. Then on the 25th. On my only child’s 4th birthday, on that day, I will do my best to rework my life to stand on my own just a little better. To rewire my heart and my head to accept this new life in front of me. To let the Dude go, one day at a time. To hopefully not feel any worse than I did yesterday.
Thank you for holding me.