If you look at my facebook profile, you will see that I do not list this website in my profile.
I go to conferences, I have paid my own way, I have BEEN paid to speak at conferences – to share what I know. My face has been on websites.
My face with a fake name.
Most of my family doesn’t know about the blog. The Dude’s family – no clue.
High school friends? Forget it.
I have started posting links to this blog in my status updates.
Very. Very. Carefully.
I have a list called “Trusted Readers”. I post the links knowing that I am controlling this to go to a very small group of people.
As I skim the names – I see my Dad’s second wife – my step-mom. Ex step mom, legally. My other mother.
My stomach flips painfully when I think of how she would feel reading these words about my dad.
I see my cousins’ names. I have the same feeling. The same fear of “what would they say” and also “how would this make them feel” and “would this hurt them”
It’s more than a little bizarre feeling to go naked to people I’ve never met, or met just a handful of times – yet hide from people I have know my ENTIRE life.
I’ve been trolled by that bitch girlfriend of my dad’s. I survived that, but I’m still hoping I am hiding from her. I’m still braced for the day a hateful comment from her hits my phone. I am not yet fully able to stand behind the statement of “fuck her, I don’t care”
Because I am capable of being hurt.
I fear being hurt.
So I try to hide in plain sight.
While I try to heal.
we really are soul sisters.
Your pain is breathtaking.
Everytime I read your blog I feel like I get to know you a little more even though we’ve been friends for so long!
Aww, chickiepie. [does that even make sense? WTG with the weird pet name, Al!]
Seriously, though, the pain is palpable. I hope knowing that we are here eases it a bit, and getting some Quality Time with your peeps helps with the healing a lot.
Most people that know me, know there is a blog…but I haven’t shared the link with them.
I get it. More than you know…I do!!
Thanks for considering me one of them. I hadn’t read in a long time, mostly because I hadn’t read any blogs in a long time. Just went back like 6 pages worth and hopped over to your house blog too. Just wanted to tell you that I feel like I am sorta back in the loop.