I’m okay y’all. I’m screamin’ it out. But I’m okay.

I guess that post is one that was in my head one way and came out another way.

I don’t like to be patient. I don’t like to wait and see. I want to know if my energy spent is worth it. Especially after spending so much of the last year on something most definitely NOT worth my energy and then recovering from said energy drain.

If I have an opportunity, I want to know how it will benefit or cost Alex and I. If someone is in my life, I want to know they are invested in me and in Alex. If I have a job, I want to know it will be there next year. If I have a garbage disposal, I want to know what to do when all it will do it sit there and hum at me and not let the marshmallows from the Lucky Charms go down the drain.

I’m not great at having faith, been kicked in the teeth one too many times for that trust to come easily to me. Right now I’m in a situation with an opportunity where if I just KNEW the outcome, I would be content. I DON’T know the outcome, and as my crystal ball is currently on backorder, my role is to wait and find my patience.

I also don’t want to make snap decisions – turn my back on an opportunity because I can’t get all the facts RIGHT NOW! The urge to say fuckit and move on is strong . . .

Emotions, Logic, Pro Con Pro, Sit silently, Pray, Resist. The. Urge. To. Push.

I’m trying to listen to my gut, since I’ve had plenty of lessons in that, and I thought I was getting pretty good at it, but right now my gut my mind and my heart REFUSE to come to any kind of consensus. They are all screaming too and I just. can’t. hear.

So I scream along with them, and like the mom who screams back at the baby because she just can’t take the screaming anymore – it doesn’t do any good.

So I chase my tail so far and fast that I’m motion sick and slightly crazy. (uh, crazier)

So I flip a coin – wait or run, wait or run – I drop the quarter before I am ready, I let it settle to the floor – sick because I think I know what side it is on –

I am wrong – it landed on the side I wanted –

And so I go on.