Something happened several weeks ago that I’ve had to sit with all this time before I could share it. I’m still not sure I can share it without sounding too sunshiny or glossy or superficial, but I’m ready to try.
I had a really hard week. I grieved everything that’s happened over the last long while. I lay alone and cried sobbing in my pillow. Everything was very sad in my heart. Even as I was sad, I wasn’t defeated, but I was definitely grieving all the life paths that weren’t going to be taken. It was a long week of blowing my nose into dirty laundry and wearing my glasses because my contacts were failing what with all the constant tears.
I stayed with it, I knew I was moving along something I needed to do, I knew it sucked. I also knew I had these people who were little points of light who were available to hold my hand when I reached out to them.
As I’m writing – I just got a text from a friend – “Just read your last couple blog posts. I hope you feel as blessed as you are to have people you trust in your life.”
Well if that doesn’t just sum up that last paragraph I wrote quite nicely.
After my rough week, I started working on the house and getting things taken care of that had been let go so I could work on what was inside. As my house got in better shape, so did I. I was okay.
I was hanging out with Alex, and my mind wandered to the Dude and the Tatskank. Dunno about you, but my mind will, on occasion, take me to really ugly places I wish I could wash it’s mouth out with soap because of. Nasty, porny images tried to work their way in.
And I realized I didn’t care.
Not the angry “I don’t give a fuck”, not the pitiful, “I can’t think about it.” A true, “I don’t care. This has no power over me.”
Realizing that. Realizing how far from forgiveness to forgetting I was – how very far on the other side of that pain I was – I felt light, I felt glowy, I felt wonderful.
I was so freaking excited. Like watching my team win the World Series Bowl Cup from the center of the action. Like seeing a goal number on a scale, fitting into skinny jeans, making a perfect drink kind of excited.
I went to bed all jazzed up on how great it felt to be great inside. I thought and thought about it and had the thought, “Go be happy Dude.”
And holy crap, I meant it. I really meant it. Go be happy Dude, because I have a big ball of wonderful coming to me now that I have let go of all this yuck you gave me. Go be happy Dude, because, why not? Life’s too short, carpe diem, choose joy, go get ya some.
That realization of being beyond the pain, the anger, the forgiveness, the moving on, the caring, the angst, and on into the actual selfless stage of “hey, go be happy, I am.” was just so WOW that I will never quite find the words to describe it for as huge as it was in my heart. That glow. That happy.
The next day? I woke up with my arms wide open for whatever awesome the universe was sending my way.
I ran into the Dude and the Tatskank not once, but TWICE that day.
Each time, I sent them off with a “Go be happy” from my heart. That I actually meant. Yes there was a twinge of sadness one time in the midst of that, but I can handle that, it was only fair. He was important to me for a very long time, it’s okay to be very occasionally, slightly sad.
But I’m also very occasionally, slightly sad, that I threw out all my Sassy magazines from high school.
And I’d rather have the magazines than him.
By the end of that day, I was NEEDED. *I* was needed. Chosen. And I had it to give because I’d let go of yet another pile of emotion I didn’t realize I was carrying. I let it go and made room for something better.
I never expected to feel this okay with things. Living in the same town. Circulating with the same people.
Tonight I, again, was in the mix of people who were, historically, more “his” than “mine”. But tonight? They were mine.
I own my world and my experience. My experience helps me understand where other people are with their own world. I see things so much differently than I did 6 months ago… a year ago… ever.
I’m still stubbornly not grateful for some of the things that have happened to me – but I am here today, stronger, better, more joyful, and totally ready to catch the ball of wonderful that is coming my way. I will appreciate it so much more, and I won’t squander the chance to add to my joy.
And the magazines. That would be cool too.
I love LOVE this.
I really don’t know how much to comment; I’m still at the grieving stage(s), and it’s comforting (for lack of a better word) to know that things can get better. I’m very very happy for you.
(I seem to repeat words sometimes)
Good for you. I look forward to feeling that sense of freedom someday. Just not there yet.
Hang in there. Those of us who have been there, are there, just leaving or just getting there are with you…I’m proud of you. Even if I don’t know you well, I’m proud of you.
Awesome! So glad to hear you’ve made it through to the other side!
Forgiveness is hard and I’m so damned proud of you.
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
I’m so happy to hear you’ve gotten to this place. I truly have never felt happier or more free in my entire life than I do these days — it really sounds like we’ve gone through a lot of the same things!
Fabulous. This is so great to read!
I actually had a kindof similar experience with forgiveness after “college bf #2” apologized last spring…did I already mention that to you? Maybe. But yeah. The “OMG it feels so good to not have bad feelings about that anymore”
That is awesomesauce. Yeah, I just used the word “awesomesauce”.
Healed. « Kaiser Mommy
[…] been healing. Recovering. Learning to forgive. Learning to […]