On December 14th, 2012, my heart broke for my Victoria.
I’ve done a lot of pondering since that day. The louder the outside world has gotten, the more I have retreated into myself.
I’ve come to a couple of conclusions.
1. None of us want to feel helpless.
2. None of us want our lives to be controlled by someone else.
As far as I can tell, the root of everyone’s opinion can be pulled back to these basic, very, very, at the gut level, things.
I tell you that, to tell you this:
I’ve thought a lot about this blog space of mine – wondering what to do with it, looking at the journey it has taken, considering the rebranding, renaming, whatever.
When I realized, “Kaiser Mommy” has become perfect for me.
I am Kaiser Mommy, dictator of my own life.
I am Kaiser Mommy, protector of my people.
I am Kaiser Mommy, looking at how to improve, trying to do better, figuring out what works better now, and what worked better in the past.
I am Kaiser Mommy, rejector of bull, curator of joy.
With a smile, I realized, that even in the name of this space, I have arrived exactly where I am meant to be.
Talyaa once told me she thought I was a part of showing the world a new kind of woman – a year later, I think I am seeing what she meant. How many women do you know who teach special ed kiddos all day, parent a gifted boy at night, keep a house and life of her own design, spin fiber from her own alpacas to knit into clothing that will cover a gun strapped to her hip, use wireless internet to search how to make corset stays from the French Indian War era, who has a tiny bomb shelter survival cabinet and no idea what is for dinner tonight . . . all while bucking all norms and happily living with her love – 15 years younger?
I think they broke the mold when they made me.
I had a dream a week ago, full of anxiety and nasty, nasty fear of change. I woke up relieved to realize that I’d lived through all the change and there was nothing to fear. I’m long past the wondering what my life will turn out to be, and nicely settling into the time where I can work to refine it into exactly what I want it to be.
I have some goals set – something to share another day. It was just time to get started in this space again.