Yes, this is republished, but it’s totally on my greatest hits for comments and searches and completely worth another read.

On Valentine’s Day, this song played on the radio, then the DJ came on and called it a “love song for Valentines.”

Um. Really? Let’s break it down:

“All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You” by Heart

It was a rainy night
When he came into sight,
Standing by the road,
No umbrella, no coat.

(He doesn’t even have the sense to come in out of the rain. Always a good sign.)

So I pulled up alongside
And I offered him a ride.

(What are the chances the guy who didn’t have the sense to come in out of the rain was attractive, as opposed to this?)

He accepted with a smile,
So we drove for a while.
I didn’t ask him his name,
This lonely boy in the rain.
Fate, tell me its right,
Is this love at first sight?
Please don’t make it wrong,
Just stay for the night.

(Aw, a one night stand with someone you picked up on the side of the road, who doesn’t have the sense to come in out of the rain and who’s name you don’t know.)

(This is where I need to tell you that the phrase “make love” is as irritating to me as “moist” and “panties” are to some of you. For the remainder of the lyrics, I will replace that phrase with what is really going on here.)

All I wanna do is take sperm from you
Say you will
You want me too
All I wanna do is take sperm from you
I’ve got lovin arms to hold on to

So we found this hotel,
It was a place I knew well

(She does this often? She knows the hourly rate? Do you think they have package deals?)

We made magic that night.
Oh, he did everything right
He brought the woman out of me,
So many times, easily

(Please. I can’t even bring the “woman out of ME” one time easily. Now I know for sure this song is full of it.)

And in the morning when he woke all
I left him was a note

(So this guy is going “SCORE” I don’t have to be all… so, you wanna get some breakfast? Although he was probably bummin’ that he lost his ride. I wonder if it’s still raining.)

I told him
I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden
We planted a tree

(And only a guy too dumb to come in out of the rain would be too dense to pick up on this reference.)

Don’t try to find me,
Please don’t you dare
Just live in my memory,
You’ll always be there

(Sweet, no child support!)

All I wanna do is take sperm from you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is take sperm from you
I’ve got lovin arms to hold on to

Oh, oooh, we made love, Love like strangers

(You mean awkward and bumpy?)

All night long
I got sperm

Then it happened one day,
We came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise
When he saw his own eyes

(Classy. Why didn’t she slap some sunglasses on the kid?)

I said please, please understand
I’m in love with another man

(But before she asked “is this love at first sight?”)

And what he couldn’t give me
Was the one little thing that you can

(This kid’s eyes are so distinctive that this random dude immediately knows he’s the sperm donor without needing a DNA test but the “other man” hasn’t figure it out … is she married to Stevie Wonder?)

All I wanna do is take sperm from you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is take sperm from you
Say you will, you want me too

All night long
All night long
All night long
All night long

(This song puts the VD in Valentine’s Day.)

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