Kaiser Mommy

Choose Joy. Every Time.

Dawn

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Who knows what to call it

It’s been an impossible few weeks. The world is on fire, America is dying, I don’t even know how to write anymore. All of the thoughts that have been in my head in the late nights. I just don’t care. There is no point. Save for the future, die at 61. Save for the future, scrimp, deny yourself, nursing home at 68. Screw this. I’ll never be rich, I’m always just behind the.. Read More

5 things that would ACTUALLY horrify your 20 something self when you are in your 40s

My Tabitha posted this – and while it might ring true for some – It doesn’t for me, that post smacked of giving up and I’m far from giving up. So here is my version. First. Your midlife body. For the first time ever, this is your body. Not out to be skinnier than the girl next you, not gearing up to be pregnant, nurse, lose the baby weight. This body is yours. What will.. Read More

All Grown Up

Today I accepted that I am the grown up. I have fought that since February 7th when I found my mom unresponsive on her couch. It used to be when things were awful, my parents shielded me from it. Mom and the veterinarian did their part before Dad and the shovel arrived in the backyard. Today Mom called me that Tavish was in the bathroom and she wasn’t sure she was alive, but.. Read More

40 years, 11 months, 19 days

On the eve of 40, I wrote the retrospective of life up to that point – 39 years, 364 days. I wrote about Mom When I look at Mom, she looks more like my grandparents and less like my Mom and it scares me and sometimes I can’t look at her. Sometimes I let myself try to understand that the empty gut horror oozing through the numbness feeling will hit me again some.. Read More

When the finances hit the fan.

I read something in August or so about a couple who consciously let go of their home because they knew they couldn’t keep up with it and they could choose a life or choose to keep paying faceless mortgage brokers. In August I again paid all my bills and my minimum payments on the credit card and felt all the things you feel when things are tight but not quite tragic. In September.. Read More

The Veil

I woke up this morning talking to Dad. About how he was bigger than life. Knowing that if he were alive, he would still be making mistakes that would keep us apart … me mad, him stubborn. He felt very close. Once I was up, I saw the date. August 16th. He was born 69 years ago today. No wonder he was hanging out … he was waiting for a Happy Birthday. (Attention.. Read More

AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge – Days Six through Ten

Ah the AdvoCare cleanse. I farted in front of M’Love more in these last four days than I have in the last four years combined. Still better than overtrusting a pizza roll fart (with catastrophic results), but wow. Doing a little research, there is Niacin in a lot of the products – so I think I get how they are talking about “toxins” – but Niacin is (maybe) good for clearing the body of.. Read More

AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge – Days Four and Five

Not gonna lie. Day 4 was yesterday and it was hard. My body realized I’m not going to be feeding it all the things and revolted in hunger followed by a nap. We went to the races where I was climbing stairs in the humidity and was out of breath and uncomfortable. The voices in my head were all “you could be the one person who never loses weight on AdvoCate”. I was.. Read More

AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge – Days Two and Three

Wow. So AdvoCare might be made of the energy of a four year old on a sugar high. I have cleaned the living crap out of “The Messy Room” – moving boxes, throwing things out (Contractor sized trash bag so full I can’t move it. No Hulk Strength yet, I guess.) I can see the floor. Which is A Thing. Our bedroom is almost finished. I basically ate the same things Day Two.. Read More

AdvoCare 24 Day Challenge – Day One

I don’t have my Spark yet, so I drank a Plexus Slim. I’m willing to bet they are similar enough to keep me from a no coffee headache (My main goal of the day is to get through it without a no coffee migraine. It is 1:06pm and so far so good.) I took the morning Herbal Cleanse dose. I drank the Fiber (unflavored). It was not as bad as I expected. I.. Read More

Mindfulness

This one word sums up everything I need to work on. Solution to a messy house? Mindfulness. Solution to my weight? Mindfulness. Solution to my money? Mindfulness. I simply need to stop and focus on what is in front of me. Simple concept. Difficult to do. I have been working on our bedroom, I repainted the closet – getting rid of the paint from a friend who isn’t a friend any more. I.. Read More

What do I call this?

Family legend has it that sometime in the spring of 1948, my grandfather was found in his shop beating a piece of metal with a hammer. He was beating some KKK emblem into something unrecognizable so no one would be able to own this thing of his father’s with pride. Missouri is a difficult place for race. It has been described as a home of covert racism rather than overt racism. (This from.. Read More

This little place of mine …

I’m gonna let it shine… I’m grateful for this place. I haven’t told anyone I’m writing, haven’t posted on Facebook links to these posts, even pretty sure the feed is busted and not going to people who have given a damn in the last eight years. But I’m grateful at the end of the day to have this place I created for myself and to come back to it. I’m grateful that I.. Read More