Seriously. I have figured out some serious shit today.
In reading the book The Sweet Potato Queens?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢ Field Guide to Men: Every Man I Love Is Either Married, Gay, or Dead the author talks about ?¢‚Ç¨?ìMan Ears?¢‚Ç¨¬ù.
To quickly sum up – Man Ears is what all men have that make it so that everything we say somehow becomes an invitation for sex. Example: ?¢‚Ç¨?ìLet?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢s watch a movie?¢‚Ç¨¬ù becomes ?¢‚Ç¨?ìI want to watch nasty porn with you and have sex with you while watching it?¢‚Ç¨¬ù Example: ?¢‚Ç¨?ìWould you pass me the newspaper please??¢‚Ç¨¬ù becomes ?¢‚Ç¨?ìI will give you a blow job?¢‚Ç¨¬ù
You get the idea.
So today, I get the following email from my brother Professor (of ?¢‚Ç¨?ìHi I?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢m Prof, wanna fuck??¢‚Ç¨¬ù famed pick up line – only continuing to prove the ?¢‚Ç¨?ìMan Ears?¢‚Ç¨¬ù theory):
?¢‚Ç¨?ìWhen are you moving?? I saw Dad yesterday and he said he knew nothing about you moving until last Saturday when he was at Gma?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢s.?¢‚Ç¨¬ù
My response to him was:
?¢‚Ç¨?ìThat?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢s because he doesn?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢t listen – I told him in January, Mrs. Forbes mentioned it February, and when she mentioned it he had no idea what she was talking about, she thought she?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢d said something wrong. By the time I talk to him again he will probably have forgotten about it again. Granted, it?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢s not like it?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢s the most important thing going on in his world right now but still?¢‚Ç¨¬¶ its?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢ just situation normal on that memory thing.?¢‚Ç¨¬ù
To which he replied that he figured this was the case, and I replied that I figured he figured, and we went on to rag on Dad?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢s girlfriend and such, as is sport whenever two or more of my family are gathered?¢‚Ç¨¬¶.
But I digress. (shocking)
I began to ponder just why it was that my father was incapable of retaining details that I shared with him.
And then it hit me.
Man Ears are programmed to turn everything a woman says into an invitation for sex. Now CLEARLY it is inappropriate for a father to hear something his baby girl says and turn it into an invitation for sex. THEREFORE, I can only conclude that what happens is that when a daughter says something to her father, the Man Ears kick in, sending a whole bunch of feedback sounding noise from the Man Ears to the brain, overloading the Man Ears ?¢‚Ç¨?ìI hear sex invitations only?¢‚Ç¨¬ù receptors with noise rather than the actual words the daughter is saying.
THIS is why fathers and daughters can?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢t communicate.
I am ready for my Peace Prize now.