Yeah, yeah. We’re all sitting around reflecting on our year. Here’s my post from last year summing up the Christmas Season.
A year ago I was part of a big family. I spent New Years Eve with a house full of people, and at midnight I was singing Alex to sleep while my immediate adopted family was in the next room, quietly waiting the 3 year old to give up the fight and sleep for the first time in 2011.
It’s been a long time since that night.
I’d like to say I’m happier tonight than I was a year ago, but . . . That was a pretty fine night.
In 2011, I bought a house, my grandma died, I got lied to a lot, I got (more or less) proposed to, I got dumped, I got lied to a lot. I drowned in xanax and wine and sleep.
In 2011 I got supported by friends, I got supported by people I never knew would care about me when things hit fans, I roadtripped, I saw friends from Texas to Arizona to Seattle. Lots of people who actually love me, and love me when I’m at my very snottiest, lowest, worst possible place with nothing to give. People who loved me when they knew they would get nothing back in return because they knew I had nothing to give. I reconnected with my friends from the farthest back. I learned the depth of wonderful of who they have become as we lolled around some fine Missouri lake water. I started a new job, made new work friends, found out that I can make a difference, even when I’m scared and even when it is hard, but showing up and putting on a game face (and occasionally a tutu) is the way to go.
I learned to love on my own terms. From my gut. Love the people worth loving. Whether or not they have anything to give, I love who I love and I’m learning to do that freely and to let them know, even though sometimes it feels scary to be that open.
Which brings me to tonight.
I might have been happy a year ago tonight, but it was a happy based on lies. There were very few shreds of truth in that happiness.
Math equation: Happiness – lies = not too damn much left over
So tonight, all the happiness I have is based in truth. There is no happiness to be lost because of lies I don’t see. Which tonight, is all I need.
2011 was a lot of learning. My goal is for 2012 to reach as high as 2011 reached low. We are all ready for it.
2011 I had to learn to choose joy. 2012 – joy is choosing all of us. It’s time, my loves, it’s time. xoxo