I went to church this morning. I didn’t want to. Alex wanted to. So Scout and I took him, he ran off to play with the preschoolers (So we thought … he actually went with the big kids … another story) and we sat in church.
I’ve been a ball of rage at the universe. My own little world isn’t coming together with the glitter and fun I’d been praying for and working toward. Meanwhile cancer is taking a wrecking ball to the hearts of people dear to me. I watched, paralyzed, as Jen said goodbye to Cole. I raged as my friend Dorothy lost her friend Marcia. After a week of wrestling with it, I can only barely stand the twisty feeling in my gut when I think about Susan and this new stage of her cancer fight.
I’m somewhere wanting to shut my heart away because I am afraid I just can’t take the pain that comes with being a part of the world. That’s overlapped with the waves of wanting to reach out and hold and help and heal.
I’ve been sending out good thoughts from my heart to Marty and Kristen. Hoping to support Susan while also holding up those closer to her – I picture Saturn’s rings – Susan is a planet, surrounded by rings of starstuff. (Please don’t tell Dr. Niebur, Rocket Scientist, that I referred to something as “starstuff” – kinda embarassing.)
Back to that church thing, that place I didn’t want to be. That place that talked about TEAMWORK for 48 minutes straight this morning. From the teamwork exercise that had 20 little kids tossing an egg around on a blanket. To the Biblical history lesson about walls being built in 52 days. Lots of churchy scripture about one body and living together like shiny happy people which actually wasn’t all that different than the idea of Ho’oponopono – something I’ve come across twice now in the last few months – which might mean it’s something I should be paying attention to since it seems to keep coming up. Not so different from #opEleanor that challenged us to do the scary, take the opportunity, and assured us we were not alone.
I left church today feeling better. Well. Really wanting to just sob some buckets of tears. But I felt better about it. Less ragey and more assured that the world can suck just a little bit less if we stick together.
I’m here for you beeshes (and balls). Apparently you crackers are in my heart and I kinda love you all. It would seem that pulling the covers over my head and claiming I’m not coming out, would only give you blog fodder and commence some serious tickling to make me laugh until I peed. The bed. Which would suck. Because I bet you fuckers wouldn’t do my laundry after after making me laugh so hard tears ran down my leg.
For now I will try to sleep and think glittery purple thoughts of my friends near and far. Those I love because of who they’ve been to me for so very long, and those I love because a chance meeting bound my heart to theirs in a way that I don’t understand, but simply don’t question, because I can tell it’s the good good stuff, the kind that won’t hurt me, the kind that is the basis of one hell of a team.