I’ve concluded that I do not know where I’m going. I’m lost.
I could be all WASPy about it and set a goal.
I could be all Navajo about it and decide that setting a goal could prevent me from going with life’s flow and finding what I’m truly meant for.
I could hide under my covers and not come out. Oooo… there’s a thought…
I could . . . .
What I’m GOING to do is get up in the morning and show up. Show up to my job I love, even though there is someone sharpening a knife to stick in my back. Show up to my job I don’t know the future for (Thanks budget cuts!) I will work a more than 12 hour day and come home to maybe see Alex for a bonus two minutes before he falls asleep. I will repeat this on Tuesday.
I know where I am not meant to go. I trust that wherever I am is the part I’m meant to be at – but it’s crazymaking to not be able to see the big picture.
I’m a mess. Haunted by a strange slip of a dream.
I had a good birthday. (Even if my birthday wishes didn’t come true.) I learned that getting a little bit of love from *so* many people is a wonderful way to start a new year. I’m trying to hang onto that glow of love from that day.
It’s like trying to see ahead in the dark – only it’s lit by an uneven strobe light – there are flashes that make sense individually, but over all it’s a stuttery mess and I’m reaching out trying to figure out the end while I’m in the middle.
I suppose I would be happier if I would just settle into the moment and focus right here. No worry for the future, no thoughts of the past. Perhaps that’s the lesson of now, and why it feels like Groundhog Day up in here – like haven’t I DONE THIS already?
There is something I am supposed to be learning … doing … accomplishing … and this is the core of my problem – WHAT is the “something”? I am seeking a cosmic to-do list . . . something I can get a gold star and an atta girl for . . . some rubric to follow . . .
Gah. Adulthood is confusing. This actually feels . . . like . . . midlife . . . . puberty . . .
Yes. That’s exactly it. And it’s just as bizarre to be in this emotional growth spurt as it was to be in the physical one so long ago.