I don’t trust most people. I’m just not built that way. I am an introvert with no desire to change that core piece of who I am. I love who I love and I hate who I hate. I do my best to keep people in the neutral zone when I am not sure – because once they have moved into the bad place, there’s rarely a coming back from there.
So when I *DO* let someone in. When I *DO* let someone close – it’s because I have gone with my gut, followed up with my head, reconferred with my gut, filled out paperwork in triplicate . . .
I have dear friends I have hugged only once – because I have only seen them once. I have people I work with every single day, who I care about, but who are locked very securely in the category “work friend.”
I don’t give any part of my heart easily, but once I do . . . it’s yours . . . I am forgiving, I am loving, I am kind.
I crave safety. I have yet to find it for long. I find that safe, that home, and I am devastated when it is gone – because I only rest into that safe when I am sure of it.
I don’t understand how I can be sure enough of someone . . . after all that carefulness . . . and still end up battered and alone. But it’s happened every time. I don’t think I would be as shaken by it when it happens – but I’m careful – I keep trying to learn – to make better choices – yet . . . again . . . the safe is gone.
It’s fucking painful. I spent my time in bed with the covers over my head. I had my fantasy of 50 cats and giving the fuck up.
I then located my big girl panties and hitched them on (they are attached to my bootstraps.)
I sent Scout a note – read the blog at your own risk – back me up or close your browser.
I went to facebook. I unfriended the boys of my youth who have lost their place in my adulthood. I’m a damn good friend – they can earn it back.
I unfriended several others – being cheered on by people along the way of the comment thread. And sometimes surprised by who showed they gave a damn about my place in their day. I kept people I’ve known for mere months – people who have offered to get my back, who have made me laugh, who have looked after my kid – people worth keeping.
(Funny enough, one of them is *another* boy from my youth, who has, at times, lost his place in my world. Who, after years, we have found where we fit correctly in each others’ world. Who, just yesterday, sent me a photo of a coffee mug I made him . . . TWELVE years ago . . . that he used for tea to soothe his cold. Funny how far reaching my influence of friendship is. Dawn’s Friendship = Powerful Stuff. Stuff of the Lifelong Variety. Treat it with care. Bitchez.)
I’m almost a year out from the days of wine and xanax. I can’t believe that life is still this hard. I truly thought that after all I’ve fought, that there would be butterflies and sunshine. Part of me really want to throw up my hands and give. up. Because. Dude. Seriously.
I can do so much more now. I can redesign a house with my bare hands. I can tile, I can grout, I can move furniture, I can scratch the wood floor I put down myself while moving the furniture, I can creatively use wood fill to hide some of the scratches in the floor, I can wash windows, I can hang shelves, I can knit afghans, I can put together an outfit, I can cook a meal, I can also order takeout, I can stretch a buck, I can shave mystery places, I can get Alex to try new foods, I can call BULLSHIT on people, I can say no, I can live alone, I can rise from the worst, I can NOT QUIT.
I can fucking survive. I can make my home safe for me. For Alex. For Scout who comes to visit. For the friends who want to be here.
I can do many, many things. I have not yet figured out how to find a man I can be safe with. A man I can find rest in. I’m so exhausted from being so strong for so long.
So. I need energy. And I’m going to get that energy back. I’m taking that energy away from friendships and relationships that are all Dawn-sided. I’m throwing down the wall. So if you are in, tell me you are in. If you are with me. Let me know now. Tell me I am safe with you. Tell me my heart can rest with you. Tell me you will be my friend. Tell me you are worth it. Then please, please, show me.
Funny because when I saw your post on FB about wanting one good reason, I wanted to tell you that you’re not a quitter and that’s reason enough. But I thought it sounded bitchy. So I’m glad to see this because now I know that you know it, too. Take a rest, regain your strength, but never say never.
Oh, and I’m in.
I don’t comment often, but I’m here, and I’ve got your back and I’m cheering you on from afar. You amaze me with your strength often and always.
Hugs is all I’ve got….oh and fun night out when you get here!
I will always help you hide the bodies 🙂
I’m totally in…in that “internet friend who understands where you’re coming from” kinda way. 🙂
I’m hoping the trick to finding that someone is to stop trying to find that someone. I haven’t given up my search but I’ve got a whole new perspective.
You are awesome. You are doing a great job. I’ve found the best way to gain energy is too cut myself some slack and take a break. You took a big step clearing out the non-friends. Now enjoy those that appreciate you. It was hard but making the conscious choice to not put mental and emotional energy towards those who don’t reciprocate alleviated a lot of anxiety. I can choose to sit around on the sofa with my cat because I know its best for me. Who cares what those other people say. It gets easier with time. Learning to trust yourself is more important than any acquaintance’s opinion. Oh I’m rambling. Keep your chin up, kid.
I love the idea of gaining more energy by letting go of what is draining you. I need to take a lesson in that.
Love you. But you know that. XOXO
karla porter archer
I’d like one of those hugs IRL some day 🙂 Your strength is amazing and I think you are awesome.
I’m here in whatever capacity you need me to be. Love you!
This post just proves how strong and wise you are. Having healthy friendships (instead of ones that suck the life out you) is a lesson some people never learn.
You are so very strong. And I will always, always have your back, lady. I think you’re amazing.
I am with you. Forever and always. You are such a good egg. I love you.
got yer back. Any time.
Dig it. Rock on, lady!
Always on your side.
You’d better know I’m in. I suck at timeliness when it comes to reading your blog, but I’m always a phone call, text, or 4 hour drive away!
Every time I read your blog it’s like I’m reading something i wrote. I got your back – for reals. Don’t know how much value there is in that (no FB, no blog, far far away….), but you never know, do you?