I don’t trust most people. I’m just not built that way. I am an introvert with no desire to change that core piece of who I am. I love who I love and I hate who I hate. I do my best to keep people in the neutral zone when I am not sure – because once they have moved into the bad place, there’s rarely a coming back from there.
So when I *DO* let someone in. When I *DO* let someone close – it’s because I have gone with my gut, followed up with my head, reconferred with my gut, filled out paperwork in triplicate . . .
I have dear friends I have hugged only once – because I have only seen them once. I have people I work with every single day, who I care about, but who are locked very securely in the category “work friend.”
I don’t give any part of my heart easily, but once I do . . . it’s yours . . . I am forgiving, I am loving, I am kind.
I crave safety. I have yet to find it for long. I find that safe, that home, and I am devastated when it is gone – because I only rest into that safe when I am sure of it.
I don’t understand how I can be sure enough of someone . . . after all that carefulness . . . and still end up battered and alone. But it’s happened every time. I don’t think I would be as shaken by it when it happens – but I’m careful – I keep trying to learn – to make better choices – yet . . . again . . . the safe is gone.
It’s fucking painful. I spent my time in bed with the covers over my head. I had my fantasy of 50 cats and giving the fuck up.
I then located my big girl panties and hitched them on (they are attached to my bootstraps.)
I sent Scout a note – read the blog at your own risk – back me up or close your browser.
I went to facebook. I unfriended the boys of my youth who have lost their place in my adulthood. I’m a damn good friend – they can earn it back.
I unfriended several others – being cheered on by people along the way of the comment thread. And sometimes surprised by who showed they gave a damn about my place in their day. I kept people I’ve known for mere months – people who have offered to get my back, who have made me laugh, who have looked after my kid – people worth keeping.
(Funny enough, one of them is *another* boy from my youth, who has, at times, lost his place in my world. Who, after years, we have found where we fit correctly in each others’ world. Who, just yesterday, sent me a photo of a coffee mug I made him . . . TWELVE years ago . . . that he used for tea to soothe his cold. Funny how far reaching my influence of friendship is. Dawn’s Friendship = Powerful Stuff. Stuff of the Lifelong Variety. Treat it with care. Bitchez.)
I’m almost a year out from the days of wine and xanax. I can’t believe that life is still this hard. I truly thought that after all I’ve fought, that there would be butterflies and sunshine. Part of me really want to throw up my hands and give. up. Because. Dude. Seriously.
I can do so much more now. I can redesign a house with my bare hands. I can tile, I can grout, I can move furniture, I can scratch the wood floor I put down myself while moving the furniture, I can creatively use wood fill to hide some of the scratches in the floor, I can wash windows, I can hang shelves, I can knit afghans, I can put together an outfit, I can cook a meal, I can also order takeout, I can stretch a buck, I can shave mystery places, I can get Alex to try new foods, I can call BULLSHIT on people, I can say no, I can live alone, I can rise from the worst, I can NOT QUIT.
I can fucking survive. I can make my home safe for me. For Alex. For Scout who comes to visit. For the friends who want to be here.
I can do many, many things. I have not yet figured out how to find a man I can be safe with. A man I can find rest in. I’m so exhausted from being so strong for so long.
So. I need energy. And I’m going to get that energy back. I’m taking that energy away from friendships and relationships that are all Dawn-sided. I’m throwing down the wall. So if you are in, tell me you are in. If you are with me. Let me know now. Tell me I am safe with you. Tell me my heart can rest with you. Tell me you will be my friend. Tell me you are worth it. Then please, please, show me.