I came to an uneasy feeling truce with Easter this year. It began with it’s usual shit-storm on my life two weeks ago, and continued to destroy relationships and plans right up until Wednesday before the Bunny-eared Lich Jesus holiday.
On that day, I started picking up the bricks of the rubble of my world and throwing them back. I starting tearing things down on my own terms.
On the surface, deleting facebook friends isn’t that big of a deal. However, when clicking that unfriend button released some tension in my soul – then it DOES become a big deal. It’s empowering to take back my time. It’s joyous to know that the people I keep around are actually GOOD FOR ME. Just because we were friends 20 years ago doesn’t mean we are now. Just because I *wanted* to be friends with someone, doesn’t mean it actually ever came to be. Let go, move on. Delete contacts in my phone as well. Redo that fave five.
I went out with friends on Saturday. They helped me get makeup to be beautiful. I came home and chucked out a bunch of old makeup that just wasn’t working for me anyway.
I went out with Kim and her family Saturday night – I walked through rooms most sacred to them and they shared it with me. I felt trusted to be taken on that journey.
I sat in church with Scout and Alex on Sunday and felt a sense of rebirth, which is supposed to be the point of the holiday and all, I suppose. So after all the things that have crucified my heart (so to speak) I have finally (at last) chosen to climb down off my cross and get on with it.
I decided a mini-step to being healthy and went to the big box store to help me accomplish that (drink more water, bought a water bottle with a filter so I can keep track of the water I drink more of.)
While I was walking around, I thought of love and how it just isn’t happening for me, it hasn’t been, it’s been painful, and frankly I’m sick of painful. Pain in all it’s forms (and spellings) can go screw itself.
So I clean out that hope from my life. Which feels alternately sad and relieving. Twenty-nine days of school left to focus on and do a good job wrapping up. Then some days with Alex, then a road trip to take him to his dads. THEN I’m going on the epic single girl roadtrip to North Carolina to see girls I love, but never get to see. That will kick off summer of awesome. Summer of better. Summer of MINE.
You’re in right? Can I hear a hell yeah?