I’m sad. I’m coping, but I’m still sad. Spring Cleaning my life is leaving me with the need to sit quietly and feel the sad. Not the need to write an emo poem, just feeling it out, letting it happen, knowing it will heal.
I think anytime we make a decision, it comes with a certain amount of grief for the road not taken. Having a child or not. Having another child or not. Which date to take to prom (yeah, cuz that was my life, but anyway). Which house to buy. Leaving a job. Doors closing, windows opening, sunrise, sunset, circle of life. Whatever you call it, whatever you can relate to, that is where I am at.
The chapter of me looking for love with a happy ending is closed. Closed. The page has turned, a fresh one is open with a new paper smell and a freshly sharpened pencil ready to write this next chapter.
Before we move on, let’s take a look back at how I got here.
Scout and I got unmarried. We chose to stop living an unhappy life together and see what would happen next. Best move for all of us. We are better parents and we are far better to each other than we were living in the same house. (I miss my wedding ring though, I love that ring.)
I took a chance on my childhood love – and at almost the same moment the promise of happily ever after came true, it exploded in the worst possible way – left alone – for someone who is beneath me in every way possible –
I pulled it back together. Started the first of the thousands spent on therapy and general screwing my head on and moving forward with my life. I read books, I prayed, I dug in, I tried.
Just as I was in a better place from that, and letting go of the Dude, I made the list of what I wanted in a man, I revisited my old list, I refreshed my memory of what I held most dear. Love came walking in. Amazing, exactly what I was dreaming of, and in his arms, as he kissed me, and the words “I love this man” formed in my heart and my head, he stepped back and said “we need to talk” . . . he didn’t have time for me, and now he’s found the time for someone else. Ouch.
I kept trying to move forward. I kept trying to be open and ready. I bonded with my friends, I prayed for the one I loved, I waited, I took care of myself, I got rid of the Dude’s shit, I made actual open space in my home – my closet, my bathroom, my garage, my car (a la “The Secret”) I made drawings, vision books, I talked from my heart.
I finally took a step with someone else. Someone I was sure was a bad idea, but he had been so gentle and so persistent, I decided it was time. Perhaps I was missing something good . . . ignoring the open window while staring at the closed door. I let him in . . . and got discarded shortly after. Even when I guarded my heart and very cautiously tried to see if I should share it . . . blammo . . .
When I say I am done, it is with an absence of pity for myself, it is a whole lot of self-preservation – I can’t take the hurt anymore, but also, it’s clearly not meant to happen for me – I’ve done *everything*, and I do mean *everything* to bring that rosy pink love to my world, and friends, it ain’t happening.
So I simply stop. I turn that page over to something new. To something better. I look to those friends who never break my heart, I will find a better joy in my people because I will not be comparing it to something else, I won’t be selling it short because it doesn’t look like what I was hoping for. I have great big beautiful plans for myself and I’m not going to change them for anyone. It’s my time.
As for love. I’m not saying never. The last time I said “never” was about “never having my baby sleep in my bed”. That ‘baby’ will be five in two weeks and I’ve had one morning in the last 5 years I’ve slept alone all night. It’s not never, but my heart is like the runner who keeps running, even with an injury. My injuries have finally sidelined me from the love games, the only way to get better is to have complete rest. Rest with myself, rest with my home, rest with my son, rest with my friends.
I told you I was getting better, I’m moving into a time of quiet, of healing, of growing, and after that? Hold onto your hats, because I’m gonna be amazing, and beautiful, and whole.
You’re in right?