I’m an introvert through and through.
I *adore* extroverts. I don’t want to be one, but I do sometimes imagine myself as one – the person yelling the loudest at a baseball game – the one who runs in front of people and starts the wave – the one who dances on the table with lampshade on her head . . .
Give me an extrovert as a partner in crime and I’m a happy, happy girl. Especially if that extrovert has a healthy appreciation for my straight woman role in public situations. Bonus points if they love me more for not having to compete for the spotlight.
In my head, I’m acting out right now. I’m rounding out my year since the dumpage this week and I’m flying between the poles of re-feeling the fucking hurt and anger of how shittily (is too a word, spellcheck) I was treated over the last year by people who were supposed to love me . . . and the other pole of *screw it* no one will get close enough to hurt me again to the other pole (apparently I have a triangle of emotion) to frankly wanting to be rowdy as hell, push the envelope and flaunt my inner badass.
I’ve been told more than once that I’m taken to be timid, shy, quiet . . . which can translate as tranquil and easygoing at best and doormat at worst. I’m trying to decide what descriptor *I* think is right. What descriptor I want to live up to . . . which one do I own, rather than what has always been.
It’s cozy and easy and comfortable to stay small and quiet and hidden. Tonight I’m tired of being small, of shoving myself into some box that makes me easy to understand. What is it when a sun explodes? Supernova? I feel like trying one of those on for size . . . and hopefully not just because of the pounds of chocolate I’ve scarfed this week while letting my mindfuck work itself out for, I certainly hope, the last time, over this particular batch of fuckwith.
So this week I’m going to try. I’m going to look ahead. I’m going to be a little bit bigger (again, not talking about the chocolate faceshoving). Each day I resolve to do one thing that pushes my edges just a little bit . . . and a little more.