So. 43. This 40 life crisis is still in full tilt 15 months later. It’s boring now. It’s been boring for a while. The laying in bed not sleeping, worrying about what happens after this body takes its last breath. Wondering what the point is. Wondering what I’m going to do next.
I’m glad I wrote the thing above (click the link my chicks). It tells me where I was and how stuck I’ve been.
Same things apply. All the scrapbook worthy events have passed. The change is that then I knew that chapter wasn’t for me, it was for others. Now I feel like the page turned and it’s my turn and I have no idea what to do with it.
I have a job and the money is great but my heart isn’t as in it as I would like. I am exhausted from being a generalist who knows a little about a lots of things in my field but not enough about any one thing to ever really feel competent. And for me, feeling slightly incompetent every day of my work life is just grinding my soul bloody.
I wish I would have gone into Fashion Merch when I was 18. Learned that field and gone and had fun. Instead I trudged through Elementary Education, not realizing how poorly suited I am to work with and among large groups of kids till the end of the 4th year of school.
I wish I would have realized how old I really was in those classes when I was there. 40 is not the new 20 when you are sitting by the Homecoming candidate in your knit Carly and TC Leggings. It’s feeling like a peer but finally hearing you are the mom. I can’t do the 20 years of career over and I’m feeling some killer regret over that more than anything. I wish I would have known better, more diverse, more interesting, more fitting, careers at 18.
But I didn’t. I did the best I could with what I knew then. It’s that awful depressing acceptance.
Still painful what I cannot do over.
I can tell I have been off work for 2 weeks, my head is so clear and healthy and I can see. I’ve been out of the rat race and the stress of outside everything and just been able to focus on me and my nest of home.
I’m watching this fabulous interview while I’m typing this. (Sorry, I thought it would embed here, but click through if you want something to watch/listen to) https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/video/full-drama-actress-roundtable-elisabeth-moss-thandie-newton-watch-1127133
It’s women from 34-60. They are beautiful (yes I know they have stylists and a lot of help) and smart and passionate and well spoken about what they are doing and the stories and they are telling. These kinds of things are exactly what I need right now. Bold messages that this isn’t THE end, it is just AN end, because new things are trying to start. Not that I have a single clue what they are, but watching women in my age category being vital and more than grinding out getting up at 6, running kids to places, going to work, and trying to be caught up on the laundry helps me, then if you are stuck in the same place I am, maybe it will help you too.