Kaiser Alex here. Just wanted to let you know that Operation Break Parental Unit’s Spirit is working swimmingly!
I have steadily sleep deprived mommy and daddy all week long – letting them have a tiny bit of sleep until the middle of the night, when I decide I need to keep telling them I love them feed me dammit! I’m in a growth spurt here, can’t you SEE?!?
I have also decided I need twice as much milk as mommy currently produces so she has to stay permanently connected to the computer breast pump.
I thwarted her plans to go to yoga on Wednesday by falling asleep and sleeping through when it was time to leave. She didn’t wake me because she needed me to be on my best behavior with Mr. Picture Taker that afternoon. This was part of my master plan, I do not need her conversing with other adults, she is MY MOMMY. MINE.
As another sign of my power, I have taken possession of the TAB key on her computer. She should thank her lucky stars it wasn’t the shit … um… shift key. That other word is what ended up head to toe today during a diaper change – all part of my nefarious plan.
As for daddy, I’m planning to kick him in the nuts until he buys me a pony.
Until the pony arrives I will continue Operation Spirit Crush.
Mommy will be back tomorrow.
If I decide to let her.
Bow to me, all y’all,
Kaiser Alex
17 Comments
Veronica
I think Alex and Amy have the same parent handling guide.
How come they get a manual?
Linda
Shift happens.
Be nice to Mommy, Alex or I will send Eli over.
Blogversary
Ponies are overrated Alex. Try for a new car.
Kelly O
*snerk* Kids are evil geniuses, they really are.
Kevin Charnas
What if Kaiser Alex gets introduced to Vodka? Just a little??
Ewokmama
There must be a baby newsletter that goes out and tells all the kids to rebel at the same time. Jack didn’t eat much at home with his dad yesterday, so that means he was attached to me in the middle of the night. So not cool!
flutter
*bows in humble reverance*
The Other Dawn
OMG. I was not aware that Alex and Funk were in cahoots. Stinky kids. We’ll have the last laughs with the photos at their weddings, though. Ingrates.
Ree
Alex? Um, sir? Um. Try to be nice to Mommy, okay? Because someday? She really will be holding the car keys and the checkbook when you want something. I am learning the hard way.
Sincerely, Shortman (Hotfessional’s kid)
Oh, The Joys
Alex,
Let. Them. Sleep.
Thank you.
OTJ
Sarcastic Mom
Alex, when Braden gets like this he sees the inside of the hallway closet for awhile. Be warned.
Love,
Lotus:)
cry it out!
Kaiser Alex — if you’re not going to use the sleep, may I please borrow some?
slouching mom
Oh, this is great. Yep. Those little ones ALWAYS have a master plan to defeat us.
Arkie Mama
Hey, dude.
Alex!
… pssst…
Quick, before my mom busts me on her computer.
I’m E-man, and this is my sister, Tootie. We’ve been at this spirit-breaking shit a long time, little dude. We’re here to bolster your efforts, add a little snazz and pizazz to this here operation ya got going.
OK, so ya gotta kick it up a notch, man. Poop loses its power sooner than you think. And your sleeping tactics? Time for a switcheroo, little dude. Shake things up.
We suggest sleeping a 10-hour stretch for two nights in a row. This does two things — it rests your body for a more strenuous third night and it lulls your parents into thinking their kid is now sleeping through the night. They’ll even high-five each other. Disgusting, eh?
So after those two nights of sleep, spend the third one getting them up and down. Sleep two hours. Cry. Nurse. Try to engage in play. Doze off. Sleep one hour. Scream. Nurse. Grin at sleepy Mommy. Repeat. All night long.
Then back to a few nights of rest before you pull an all-nighter again.
Trust us, little dude, this totally wipes out their resistance. The house will be yours in less than a week.
Questions? Just gmail us at Mommy’s address. We always check the in-box before she does anyway.
marsha
A baby with a plan…excellent!! keep those parents in line…give them an inch and they will try to take a mile.
nina
Oh, thanks for the laugh. I’m still laughing. I hope things are a little better this evening.
Natalie
Hahahahaha! Too cute. That totally made me giggle in a “I know how you feel” sort of way.