This is one of those times where I will work a nerve, along with giving some common sense advice to those unfortunate passengers who have the bad luck to have to sit near that demon of air travel – the active toddler.
Rest assured that I am doing my best to keep the active toddler
- out of your personal space
all while keeping up with ever changing TSA, FAA, and individual airline rules, laws, guidelines, regulations, whims and tempers.
Signs to watch for that I *AM* trying to parent just as fast as I can
- I am sweating
- My hair is flying out of its uneven pony tail
- I am wearing sensible shoes
- I am SWEATING! Whores in church don’t get this hot!
- I am using the mini magna doodle to draw airplanes, buses and big trucks on demand, while making sounds pleasing the the active toddler to keep the active toddler 1. still 2. quiet 3. happy 4. safe 5. out of your personal space.
*IF* by chance you spot my toddler attempting to place gum in your hair while I am
- texting on my phone
- twittering on my computer and
- drinking a grande espresso truffle coffee
THEN, guess what – kick my ass – I deserve it.
*IF* by chance my toddler’s LAUGHING (as a result of me using the mini magna doodle to draw airplanes, buses and big trucks on demand, while making sounds pleasing the the active toddler) disturbs your nap that you insist on being able to take on our 11am flight AND there are AT LEAST 10 available seats on our flight – MOVE YOUR ASS TO A DIFFERENT SEAT – you are a grown up – you have a carry on and the ability to sit anywhere in the aircraft.
I am a grown up with a toddler, a carry on, a blanket, a CARES harness, half my second carry on strewn about our row of seats in my attempts to keep active toddler 1. still 2. quiet 3. happy 4. safe 5. out of YOUR personal space (you effing krajee bitch!) We can ONLY sit on the right side of the aircraft (because that is where the infant/child oxygen masks are in the event of a loss of cabin pressure) and ONLY in NON exit row seats. Oh – and incidentally, it’s mid morning. You don’t need a nap. You also don’t need to hug and kiss your husband, lay across him continually bounce the seat back so that my non alcoholic, non staining, non carbonated, non sugared drink shakes. (Yes, it was water. With toddler backwash.)
(This situation was resolved in part by Scout and Alex going to sit in an empty row on the back of the plane – on the right side of the aircraft, in a non exit row; in another part by me burning holes in the back of her poorly dyed hair, writing this blog post and laughing my ass off (inside) when the Captain turned on the fasten seat belt sign upon descent and watching krajee bitch unbuckle her belt, stand up and slam her head into the ceiling. I delighted in the bumpy turbulence on the way down – I hope krajee bitch peed all over her shoes and that my kid kicked her as she walked down the aisle.)
As a secondary note to flight attendants – The words “You can’t” are just a challenge to me. It brings out the “Wanna bet??” part of my personality. I’ve had my kid open the door from the family restroom and expose my girly bits to a terminal full of people at MSP, I’ve cleaned poopy butt with a single square of toilet paper and not gotten anything under my nails. I can can singsong count 1-100 without taking a breath. AND I’m stubborn enough that I managed childbirth without any drugs. You and your navy blue pumps don’t. scare. me.
Similarly – You have eyes – please use them. If I am ass up in a seat wrangling a CARES harness while my husband is covered in carry on luggage and toddler while sitting on the LEFT side of the aircraft – don’t look at us and say, “He can’t sit there.” Uh yeah, I know, that’s why I’m monkey fucking this FAA approved harness into place so he can sit ovah heah.
Take a pointer from the sweet flight attendant on this flight – when she used her eyes, she simply reinforced what she was quite sure we already knew – “Ah, you know you need to transfer him over” and smiled and walked away.
Meanwhile – If you are doing your final walk through and my kid has popped down the tray table while I am wrangling his very unhappy eight arms and legs through the harness and attempting to buckle him in while he is resisting and yelling “No, No, Nooooooo.” and 1. I am sweating 2. My hair is flying out of its uneven pony tail 3. I. AM. SWEATING. 4. I am no longer wearing sensible shoes because one has fallen off my foot and the unhappy toddler is beating me over the head with it and he is not 1. still 2. quiet 3. happy but I am CLEARLY trying my damndest to make him 4. safe – please don’t tell me I can’t have my tray table down – Cuz yeah, I know. I’ll get to it.
Now if you will excuse me – we are about to land and I am looking forward to getting home and putting active toddler down for a nap so I can 1. text on my phone, 2. twitter on my computer and 3. drink a grande espresso truffle coffee.
OMFG half way thru and this shit is hilarious
VDogs last blog post..I’ve Moved!
I haven’t tried flying with kids yet. Because I A. have to be half-drunk to board a plane and B. cry for the first fifteen minutes of every flight.
The weird thing is I totally chill out after that.
Marias last blog post..I heart faces – reflection
I love the number of times you say you’re sweating. LOL. Apparently that was a kicker (DUDE, I know. I have that SAME THING)
Mrs. FLingers last blog post..Blogger?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢s Block
OMG Thank you! Hilarious and so so true. Just traveled with my 5 and 2 year olds and probably could have killed someone with my evil glares when they started pulling their funky attitudes.
The other people on the flight that suck: the well-meaning (or, more likely, incredibly passive-agressive) women trying to push gum on my 2 year old like crack dealers when it wasn’t his ears that were hurting but rather me pinching his little legs so he’d sit during descent because the flight attendant and I were about to come to blows over all those safety regulations that are oh-so-realistic when dealing with a squirmy toddler on a cross-country flight with bad turbulence requiring us to stay in our seat for 2 and a half hours straight. Thanks but, uh, MYOFB. I got this.
EmmieJs last blog post..Can We Have Take Your Classmate to Work Day?
“Whores in church don’t sweat this much”
HA HA HA HA HA HA A HA HA HA HA HAHA !
Also, BOO! To travelers that are asshats to parents trying their best.
Loralees last blog post..Sideblog:
You summed up the experience of flying with a toddler PERFECTLY! We drive everywhere now, with DVD player, just to not have to do that. I feel your pain and sweat. Hilarious post.
Thank you for reminding why I NEVER take my kids anywhere we can’t drive to in 30 minutes. and a big Thank you for the Laugh! I need this tonight!
Sandis last blog post..Hold the balloons, the confetti, and the housewarming gifts….
Next time someone whines that we haven’t been to visit them yet I’m TOTALLY sending them to this post so they can see why we resist getting on a plane with not one but TWO little kids.
Jessica (@kikarose)s last blog post..I can do anything for 30 days
This was frickin’ hilarious, thank you! I laugh *now*, but we’ll see as I attempt it sans husband in July!
I fucking love you. Over heah.
flutters last blog post..On being realistic
Oh my lord. Hilarity.
Miss Graces last blog post..…sigh…
Oh Hades gym shorts, I laughed my ass off. I needed this. Thank you.
I’m pissing myself. No seriously, after pushing 2 children through my vagina you shouldn’t make me laugh like that.
Veronicas last blog post..How to fix insomnia?¢‚Ç¨¬¶
I’d have spent the entire flight kicking that woman’s seat.
I LOVE YOU XOXOXOXOXOX
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
That’s fuckin’ AWESOME! and also? Totally why I haven’t flown with my kids. Iz Skerd.
I just peed a little, you should warn your pregnant readers to take a potty break before shit like that. Oddly this is similar to what it feels like trying to fly with my grown-ass husband, can’t wait to fly with him and a kid.
jens last blog post..Randome Tuesday Thoughts
Honey, I fly every single freakin’ week and I’d LOVE to sit next to someone with a sweet little boy instead of the nutcases I’m subjected to on a regular basis.
Rees last blog post..The Not-the-Husband Update or ?¢‚Ç¨Àúholy hell, they just rolled a washing machine onto the truck?¢‚Ç¨‚Ñ¢
Thank you so much for coming to visit us, even with all the travel drama!
TexasReds last blog post..Cheerios Spoonfulls of Stories Contest
ms. changes pants while driving
hahahaa…. monkey fucking.
ms. changes pants while drivings last blog post..San Diego Walked for Maddie
ooh… i can’t wait to have kids and be able to travel with them!
I’m never flying with my kid. You’ve convinced me. I’d totally commit some multiple number of murders.
Plus, I don’t like to sweat and that seems to be one of the main deals.
Zoeyjanes last blog post..On Being Lucky
I swear to GAWD… I sotaly piddled myself. Now, I am going to switch my chair with my office mate, cuz I think she may have been on a plane with you at one time.
Maternal Mirths last blog post..Just When I Have Convinced Her Father That She is NOT, in fact, The Messiah…
Oh man! Reminds me of flying to AZ with KayTar. AGH! It was awful…now I try to only fly JetBlue with her. Those TVs are priceless.
Kylas last blog post..The labs showed…
my god you had me in stitches… the 7 hours flight to NY suddenly seems like to big a task to do with a 2 1/2 year old… Might postpone trip to see friend until my little girl goes to university.
Melanies last blog post..Summer in the City