Today, Alex and I went to the gym for the first time. Alex is with me or with Scout *all* the time, so this was big. I told him all about it on the way, how there would be toys, and new people to meet, and that while he got to have fun, I’d be off working, but I’d be back to get him when I was done.

I’d checked out the gym day care before, there were toys, adult supervision and an absence of broken glass so I deemed it good enough to corral my child for a bit.

I walked him in, let him wander a bit while I signed in, talked to one of the two people on duty, scanned the kids and took Alex into the play area. He stuck near me at first, then sat on a chair. The day care person kneeled down to talk to him about his shirt, I stepped out and handed his milk over the door. I told her I’d be back in 5 minutes to check on him so they didn’t have to come get me if it wasn’t going well.

I walked through the gym, picked an elliptical and watched the five minutes click by. I walked back through the gym and got to the window of the daycare. The worker saw me and mouthed, “He’s Okay.” She looked over, double checked with the other worker and then looked back at me nodding, “He’s Okay.” she mouthed again.

I smiled huge and gave a thumbs up and went to ride a bike for 25 minutes.

Now – If I’d have walked him to the door – opened it, shooed him in and walked away, ya’ll would think I was nuts.

For a 30 minute workout, I completely checked out the place, the workers, the kids, the toys, let them know where they could find me if he needed me, checked back in on him and then went to pick him up at the end, getting a report on how he’d been while I was gone.

30 minutes.

Maddie died 4 weeks ago. One month. Mike wrote about people saying “She’s in a better place.” and how that just doesn’t really help.

What. Thehell. People.

Mike and Heather have forever. They didn’t get the chance to check out the toys and people for Maddie to play with. There is no window in the walls of Heaven for them to look in and have an angel wave back at them and mouth, “She’s Okay.”

There fuckin’ should be, and I’ll be over here with my booze and my crisis of faith trying to figure out what I believe yet again. I think it’s cruel of a loving God to take a child and not send blazing rainbows to her parents, assuring them, beyond a shadow of any doubt, of any fear, that beautiful Maddie is indeed Okay.


(photo from Heather’s photostream and messed with by me)