Kaiser Mommy

Choose Joy. Every Time.

January 19, 2019

It’s all shiny when I have time to myself. Get back into the work/school routine and watch how doing what I love falls away. So many things to say during the week and give me a quiet, windy, cold, Saturday morning and my head is blank. Of course. This is what a former principal called The Mean Season. Too deep into winter gray to remember summer, too far away from Spring to see.. Read More

January 9, 2019

At 10:17 am on January 9, 2017 I posted: gonna be one of those classes where its real hard to make my face not tell my feelings I was sitting in front of a girl who … we’ve all been in front of that girl. The one who won’t stop talking and answering questions in class and she is not quite on point. 20 minutes or so later, I had a call from.. Read More

January 6, 2019

I have this feeling that it’s too late. Too late to dream, to have a new dream, to try again, to start over. Time is running out, almost out, overtime. Instead of it motivating me to do more, I am frozen stuck. You would think I would feel like time is short and precious and be making the most of every minute. Not finishing A Million Little Things and not writing what burns.. Read More

January 5, 2019

Still nothing deep to say. I left the house, I did things, we now have more than half a roll of toilet paper for 2 bathrooms and 4 people, so that feels like pretty successful adulting. I wish I was the kind of person who could be effortlessly organized. Could have lists and follow them and always have the right food and the picked up house. I did that once upon a time.. Read More

January 4, 2019

Today was crummy. And now that I am in bed and I haven’t done yoga but I’m comfortable and nothing has gone wrong in the last 20 minutes, I’m starting to relax. All day in the crummy day I still knew none of this was really bad. This is the kind of bad day I would beg for if things really went wrong. Didn’t change the constant getting knocked down, trying again, getting.. Read More

January 3, 2019

In true soul sucking form, going back to work wiped me out. 630 am starts are not my jam. I’m not quite but really close to burned out on working in schools and not loving children. I don’t know if I need a change of venue, a change of age group, or a change of career. It would figure that just as the money is good I would be ready for change. I.. Read More

January 2, 2019

So. 43. This 40 life crisis is still in full tilt 15 months later. It’s boring now. It’s been boring for a while. The laying in bed not sleeping, worrying about what happens after this body takes its last breath. Wondering what the point is. Wondering what I’m going to do next. I’m glad I wrote the thing above (click the link my chicks). It tells me where I was and how stuck.. Read More

January 1, 2019

Oh look, it might be a resolution. Nah. I don’t keep those. It’s a coincidence that the first day of the year has me in front of the computer. Had to look up how to find the login page for wp since I don’t have a widget on the home page. That’s how long it’s been since I logged in. I posted some old stuff from fb and then checked my email and.. Read More

40 Life Crisis

This middle age shit isn’t for chickens. This about middle age was particularly breathtaking. I was super pissed at myself that I didn’t create those words myself. The hot sticky shame of knowing I have more to give than my ass on the couch playing a game on an electronic. All the fun milestones we wait for while growing up are behind me. Graduations, Marriage, Career, child(ren). No more bling and sparkly fun.. Read More

Who knows what to call it

It’s been an impossible few weeks. The world is on fire, America is dying, I don’t even know how to write anymore. All of the thoughts that have been in my head in the late nights. I just don’t care. There is no point. Save for the future, die at 61. Save for the future, scrimp, deny yourself, nursing home at 68. Screw this. I’ll never be rich, I’m always just behind the.. Read More

January 9, 2017

10:17 am gonna be one of those classes where its real hard to make my face not tell my feelings 11:41 am Made it 9 days into 2017 before the first ER appearance (Mom) I’d take selfies of us but she could still smack me down. (even with an emesis bag and weird BP). 4:00 pm Made it 9 days into 2017 before the first ambulance transport to KC. (Mom’s labs are wonky,.. Read More