(ed. below is what i wrote 26 days ago while i was processing a choice i had to make. it was my own inner dialog with myself to just beat myself up a little more than i already was on an hourly basis. do i really think it’s weak? no. now that i’m healthier and have my head screwed on, i can see clearly that you do what you need to do get you through the day in a healthy way for you, i posted the dialog so if you have having it with yourself, you might recognize it. thanks to liv for calling me out on sounding like a sheer arsehole because i didn’t explain any of that and jumped right in.)
I think popping pills is weak.
There. I said it.
I think there is nothing we can not heal in ourselves if we use diet, exercise and focus. (By “focus” I mean prayer, meditation, whatever works for the individual.)
Pills. Bah. Brain pills. Happy pills. Whaddevah.
Take a vitamin, eat some fruit, take a walk in the sunshine, get off your ass. It’s all in your head.
I don’t want to need them.
I hate being the person who needs them.
Aren’t I stronger than this? Can’t I overcome this mood?
(This mood that has held me for months.)
Sitting in the doctor’s office. Looking at the blank in the personal health history that says “mental illness” … not wanting that label to mean ME.
(Even though I know it does. The stigma stings. “Mental health disorder” “Psychiatric disorder” Whatever. I don’t want it.)
Grateful she didn’t ask the standard question, “Are you thinking of hurting yourself?” Because, oh MY God. WHO has the energy to devise a plan to do myself harm?
Hello constant thirst.
Here I am AGAIN.
I wrote this 26 pills ago. I’m glad I wrote it, because it was all true.
26 pills later, I don’t give a rat’s ass. I feel better. I am sleeping better, I organized my kitchen yesterday, I have managed more family turmoil in the past five days than I’ve ever had to before. Life is unbelievably hard right now and I truly believe that without these little pills that I would have broken this week. That I would be huddled under my bed with my blanket and pretending no one was home.
26 pills later there is sunshine.
Here’s where I tell you that if your life is gray and a little voice is whispering to you that it doesn’t have to be this hard – be good to yourself and take the steps to get some sunshine. Ree and Mr. Lady would agree.
Alex Year Two » Growing towards a Goal
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Whatever works for you. As long as you post about it =)
Yolanda’s last blog post..have you seen my eyebrow?
I have been there. I was the cartoon character that ran through walls…into the sunset, never to return again. i wanted to do that so badly. I was a screaming shrew to my kids. i hated my self. My anger was explosive and came out of no-where. Then I met Lexapro. lol What a God Send. I still apoligize to my kids, now 15 and 12 for my moos swings that i used to have. They can tell right away if I forgot to take my happy pill. It doesn’t numb me. It doesn’t make me someone I am not. it releases me to be who I really am. A nice, loving person that can cope. I can cope. I am happy again. It has been 6 years since my doctor asked me if I was depressed. I just thought I had anxiety..what did I have to be depressed about? He asked me if I cry alot…I immediately started crying..lol My dad also suffers from depression, as did his father. I am sure it runs in my mothers side as well.For my kids sake, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. That tiny white pill.
I cannot believe how your post hit home for me. I have suffered from depression since about the age of 12 (over 25 years), but I didn’t know it until after my kids were born. Or rather, I didn’t face it until then. My mom had passed away and I somehow got through that, but then I had my twins and with them came the full blown post-partum depression. My doctor had referred me to a therapist because she recognized my signs before. I started seeing my therapist at 4months pregnant until the babies were 5 months old. I began taking Zoloft when they were 1 month old. I cried all the time. I had too much anger to count. My whole life’s depression came to a head. The worst part was that I really wanted the pill to work if I was going to take it. It didn’t. It made things far worse. I got to a very dark place. I had difficulty bonding with my babies. I somehow made it through, but barely. All the while, I kept this to myself and felt like a loser for not being able to handle everything life threw at me. The change to Wellbutrin saved me. That worked great up until about 6 months ago, when suddenly, it wasn’t good enough anymore. My doctor suggested adding a half tablet of Lexapro (5 mg)each day. I cannot even begin to tell you the miraculous difference that tiny half pill has made. I have my life back. I take 300 mg of Wellbutrin and 5 mg of Lexapro. The seratonin was left in the dust before, so this just gave a little boost. I do not walk around in a fog, but rather, this lifts the fog. I wish there was not a stigma for depression and meds, but I do think it is getting more acceptance due to more women suffering from depression. Everyone is different. You have to do what works for you. Your family can only be as happy and healthy as you are. To ignore the signs is to ignore whats best for the whole family. I applaud you for taking this step. It is not a weakness. It is a strength to recognize that you need help and to accept it! Good for you.
My road to recovery from Generalized Anxiety Disorder | Crunchy Domestic Goddess
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