(ed. below is what i wrote 26 days ago while i was processing a choice i had to make. it was my own inner dialog with myself to just beat myself up a little more than i already was on an hourly basis. do i really think it’s weak? no. now that i’m healthier and have my head screwed on, i can see clearly that you do what you need to do get you through the day in a healthy way for you, i posted the dialog so if you have having it with yourself, you might recognize it. thanks to liv for calling me out on sounding like a sheer arsehole because i didn’t explain any of that and jumped right in.)

I think popping pills is weak.

There. I said it.

I think there is nothing we can not heal in ourselves if we use diet, exercise and focus. (By “focus” I mean prayer, meditation, whatever works for the individual.)

Pills. Bah. Brain pills. Happy pills. Whaddevah.

Weakling.

Take a vitamin, eat some fruit, take a walk in the sunshine, get off your ass. It’s all in your head.

Wimp.

…

I don’t want to need them.

I hate being the person who needs them.

Aren’t I stronger than this? Can’t I overcome this mood?

(This mood that has held me for months.)

Sitting in the doctor’s office. Looking at the blank in the personal health history that says “mental illness” … not wanting that label to mean ME.

(Even though I know it does. The stigma stings. “Mental health disorder” “Psychiatric disorder” Whatever. I don’t want it.)

Grateful she didn’t ask the standard question, “Are you thinking of hurting yourself?” Because, oh MY God. WHO has the energy to devise a plan to do myself harm?

Hello sertr@line.

Hello constant thirst.

Here I am AGAIN.

Dammit.

…

I wrote this 26 pills ago. I’m glad I wrote it, because it was all true.

26 pills later, I don’t give a rat’s ass. I feel better. I am sleeping better, I organized my kitchen yesterday, I have managed more family turmoil in the past five days than I’ve ever had to before. Life is unbelievably hard right now and I truly believe that without these little pills that I would have broken this week. That I would be huddled under my bed with my blanket and pretending no one was home.

26 pills later there is sunshine.

Here’s where I tell you that if your life is gray and a little voice is whispering to you that it doesn’t have to be this hard – be good to yourself and take the steps to get some sunshine. Ree and Mr. Lady would agree.