Now that I am on the other side of the grief – lemme tell you . . . it got bad.
There is a post sitting in my drafts where I would just pour out all the sadness and hit save and walk away.
I don’t know if I will ever open it to read.
I have another post where I saved each comment from facebook and twitter from my original post about the breakup.
I don’t know if I will ever open it to re-read. But I’m grateful it is there.
I slept those first couple of weeks. Non stop. I would get out of bed and go to work. Shutting myself off by putting on the blinders of “don’t talk to me, can’t you see I’m so busy being a good employee?”
I would come home and sleep.
Not eating. That 25 pounds I lost? Not healthy. I’ll take it as a perk, but seriously? Going three days without eating – and not giving a fuck that I wasn’t eating? Badness.
There was an awareness of how much pain I was in.
And there was an awareness that I could make that pain . . . stop.
I’m livin’ in a pharmaceutical world. I didn’t research it, but I was pretty certain there was enough Xanax and Vicodin in the cabinet to solve any pain issues I was having.
I’d previously fantasized about how easy it would be to make a nice cocktail and watch the Dude down it unknowingly.
Now I just sat aware that I could solve my problem of pain without doing any work.
And I tell you this for two reasons.
When I say I am good now – when I say I am on the other side, I want you to understand clearly how far I have come and what a painful, difficult victory it is for me to sit here for the first time in my life and clearly know I am OKAY. And even when I am temporarily not okay, I know I can find my way back to where I am this moment.
The other reason is that yesterday, one of my dearest friends was asking me if I’d ever struggled with depression. Uh yes. Yes my love. She had her own questions and her own struggle and was wondering if it was time to walk the road of the little white pills. I was frank with her about anything she asked (I know you are surprised.) Today she sent a message saying, “Thank you for sharing part of your most personal struggles. I really appreciate it.”
And that’s when I knew I needed to get this post out. If I’m going to share part of my most personal struggles then I think I need to be honest and tell you just how bad it got.
How bad I got.
I don’t know how to end this particular post. I wish I was graceful and poetic in this moment.
I wanted to die. Now I want to live.
And if you are reading these words, then you are part of the puzzle that has brought me to this happy place.
So thank you.
I am very glad you’re still here. 🙂
The planet of janet
Inadequate but it is the best I can offer.
Love. Hugs. And love.
hugz – and i’m so very grateful you’ve chosen to come through to the other side.
I’m happy you’re feeling better. I am sorry I ddn’t know you were in pain. Thinking of you and knowing your words are right.
I’m so glad you’re here.
I’m sorry you went through that. And I’m so happy you got through it.
Dawn, I am filled with joy! Sooooo glad to know you’ve come through this. We’ve all struggled at one time or another. Anyone who says they haven’t isn’t being honest. So, that being said, I thank God that you have come through this stronger than you would have been before. I love you, hun!
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
Glad you’ve found happiness. Working on finding my own. 🙂
Blessings, my friend.
karla porter archer
big hugs to you, girlie…
Love you, Dawn!
Thanks for sticking around. My sister chose to end her life over a betrayal in a relationship, chronic physical pain, and lack of support from the community in appalachia. (Double masters and single in late twenties generates the label ‘old-maid’ in that community)
My mom went into a ten year depression of her own after her daughters final unfortunately successful suicide attempt.
I’m still angry that my only sister, friend and confident throughout my child-hood is no longer around to share burdens, reminisce and meet her nephews…
I’ve thought of checking out myself from time to time. But, knowing that would probably kill my mom, and leave a pretty painful situation for my own kids, I’ve opted to stick it out.
Live goes on. Some days are worse than others.
Getting enough sleep, enough exercise, getting away from the damn computer for me can be helpful.
Hopefully you’ll continue to find a sense of purpose. Helping other people is a good purpose, I believe.
Good Luck in your journey.
Your words are oh so inspiring. Thank you for taking the time to share. I still struggle and you strength helps me feel there is hope. All the best to you.
Lotus / Sarcastic Mom
I love you.
So happy. And so proud of you.,
Hugs. Just hugs.
I never doubted for a moment that you would come through to this side. I’m so glad you’re here.
Thank you, thank you for sharing. You are not alone on that road.
Hugs to you and peace.
You have no idea how much your words have touched me today. I know this feeling right now, I know it all too well. Many hugs to you. The world is a brighter place with you in it.
And Then What? « Kaiser Mommy
[…] will see how fucking hot I am with the 25 pounds lost and the new […]
Happiness « Kaiser Mommy
[…] all the pain and growing and […]