I had therapy today. 3rd session. The first therapy visit was a good foundation laying. The second was funny because when we talked about the Dude, she was so intrigued by the connection between us and so into the potential between us and the work I was doing that I thought for a while that he must be going to see her too.
Which brings us today. Where she played devil’s advocate. I had a gut feeling that this was going to be a more difficult session and I was right.
I have spent a lot of praying about the Dude and I. I have asked God hard questions about the Dude and I and the potential of our future together. I did this after reading an excerpt about the power of positive thinking. In that, it talks about “prayerizing” and “picturizing” – I had to pray to listen to God to see if this relationship was what God wanted. God said Yes. When I was expecting to hear No.
Because of this gut check, of this sitting and asking the hard questions with an openness to hear hard answers and because of the history of the Dude and I, I believe there is an “us” out there in future.
For me, the Dude was my dream I quit dreaming. 14 years ago, I decided it was never going to happen and it was time to accept and start a new chapter in my life. I reevaluated that 10 years ago and continued down my own path. This time I am committed to dreaming this dream until its true end – on my terms this time and not because of whatever circumstance I choose to make the decision for me.
It is up to me to prepare for the future. To know myself, love myself, trust myself to be in a relationship and not lose myself in it. I have to be in a good place with myself, and in a good place with Alex before I can have the Dude anywhere in my life. I’m still in my 40 days of noncommunication. Focusing on me and Alex.
The Dude and his heathens are in my mind as I plan for the future, as far as leaving a space in my home for them. I don’t want to fill my life so there is no room for them. I want to fill my life with all the joy and love I can find so that when the time comes, they are welcome to hop on the Dawn and Alex train and join in.
Which brings me back to today’s therapy session.
Today she held up the hard facts that he’s made shit decisions in the past and it’s gonna take a lot of work on his part to knock off the sabotage, the chaos creating, the dysfunction seeking, the drama whoring.
Today’s session was about the reality of what will that look like. What will I expect.
My homework from her is to really look at
- what will I get out of the Dude back in my life
- what will I have to change
- what will I expect
Oh reality. What fun.
So what will I get?
- really great sex
- my best friend
- a partner in crime
- a full, large family
- his heathens to love
- him to love
- help with Alex
- great role models for Alex
- more people who love Alex
- manly men doing manly things
- a full house
- did I mention the fun?
- easier finances (eventually)
- pushing my boundaries – activities that take me outside my comfort zone (in the last year I have driven 4 wheelers, gone ice skating, ridden a motorcycle – all things that I had never done before. I embraced the zipride of life, “Jesus Fuck” and all.)
- he teaches me new things (see above) – and with him I feel safe enough to actually LEARN rather than realizing I’m not immediately perfect and saying to hell with it.
- in the bad: the potential for sabotage, the chaos creating, the dysfunction seeking, the drama whoring
What will I have to change
- giving up total control of my house (taking into consideration someone else’s needs/wants when it comes to decorating etc.)
- not leaving my shit strewn all about as I wander from project to project
- accepting his strange work hours (graveshift)
- having only two of us to consider
- I still won’t have control over WHAT the Dude does
- I will have to learn to trust the Dude to be with him (which is going to be a huge HUGE thing to work on – I don’t have to trust him right now because he has no place in my life)
What will I expect
- Alex and I to be only slightly less of a priority than his own boys
- Devotion to me and to Alex
- to be the only female in his life who is not a blood relative
- him to go to therapy with me and without me to work on his own basket of issues
- him to be trustworthy
This list will evolve over the next two weeks as I really get into the dirt of these questions. This post is my starting point where I try to figure this out.
Yesterday I would have had no doubts. Today I woke with seeds of doubt and my session with the devil’s advocate is making me really examine those doubts to see if they are valid, if they are fear or what.
I’m at the next bend in the road. For the most part, the grief is behind me. The anger still flares up for moments and then fades. The future is now, or whatever pithy saying applies.
Today’s work is done. There will be more tomorrow. For now I rest.