I have not yet decided if this quote sets me free or makes me want to put my head in the oven. Which as it’s an electric oven would probably just burn the fuck out of me and not put me out of my misery.
It explains a lot. It explains why everything in my life is so gottdamned hard right now. Everything is new and comes with a learning curve as steep as the first hill of a roller coaster ride.
All of my floundering at work – explained.
The need to scream it out – explained.
Wide eyed at being the head of household – explained.
Not measuring up to my own expectations of being Alex’s mommy – explained.
I’m a beginner at pretty much everything I’m doing these days. I’m living in the gap. I’ve never lived in the gap before. I’ve been AWESOME or I’ve moved on. The idea of being “not that good” for a COUPLE OF YEARS. Seriously? Wow and OMG. See also *facepalm* and *headdesk*.
That couple of years sounds like it could be pretty optimistic. What if . . . I mean what if . . . I never get past disappointed? Yuck-o.
I’m knitting a sweater right now. I’ve redone it once already. I’d like to rip it out and do it again, but I’m forcing myself to move on through and be done with it. Like that deadline thing – okay, finish one project – move to the next.
Have I mentioned I suck at project completion?
Then there’s anything that resembles romance. I think we can all agree that my last relationship that involved the words “my” and “boyfriend” and sharing house keys ended in total disaster. How scared am I to risk my heart?
Here’s where my train of thought actually leads. I’m not gloomy about this. I am ponderous. (That’s ponderous man . . . truly ponderous . . . ) Things don’t feel coincidental in my life right now. Everything from my horoscope to my therapist telling me to focus on what is most important and then this quote from some guy I’ve never heard of.
Ultimately that quote, to me, is all about focus – focus on what is most important, so I can do the work, so I can get past the beginner stage, so I can get past the disappointment stage, so I can get to where my life is as good as my ambitions.
I’m actually left with optimism. I gotta do the best I can with what I know right now. Focus on now so that future can build itself. Let out the mighty YAWP and do this thing.