Originally posted May 12, 2007

I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the Mom. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the one with the milk on some part of my clothing. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the one who voluntarily and automatically does the dishes. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the one who hasn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t left the house without the baby. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the one with the post delivery hormone induced acne. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the one with the tiny baby fingernail claw marks on my neck.

I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the one who when Alex is screaming and won?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t chill out, can pick him up, lay him on my chest, say his name and watch him go straight to sleep, and get to snuggle with him for a couple of hours and not have to give him back.

Compromise is good.

Originally posted May 8, 2007

It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s been a hard couple of days to live in my head.

1 am for some reason is the time some demon comes to visit. The hour of all my fears setting their teeth into me.

Two nights ago those teeth took the form of remembering a story relayed by a holocaust survivor about what happened to his infant niece. (And I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll leave it at that, sharing the nightmare won?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t ease it any).

And that story haunts me. Because the babies all look like Alex when the scene plays on fucking repeat when I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m at my most exhausted. And no amount of reminding myself that this took place 60 plus years ago helps ease me when the demon sink it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s teeth in.

But on the other hand. I look at Alex when the teeth are securely fastened and my mouth tightens a bit, and I know there is no way that anyone is getting to this boy without going through me. I feel that Mama Bear instinct strengthen in me more each time.

And realize the only way for me to do this motherhood thing is to go all in. Which I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve never done before. People always get held off just that little bit, just that touch so I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m always left slightly independent of them, just in case something happens and they aren?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t with me anymore. Even Scout. And I think he knows this. Which makes me a little sad.

I thought I could do motherhood the same way. But I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m beginning to see that it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s not going to be that way. I look at Alex and I know that no one is going to hurt him if there?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s anything I can do about it. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve known from his birth that he?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s one of my tribe. That he belongs to me. Spending the last ten days in the house with me, Alex, Scout and my mom was a ?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ it was bonding?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ for all of us ?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. I did realize what a blessing it was each ?¢‚Ǩ?ìnight?¢‚Ǩ¬ù (whenever my ?¢‚Ǩ?ìnight?¢‚Ǩ¬ù began) as I went to sleep, and remembered to say thank you for having the three people most important to me under my roof.

All in. This boy is going to make me go all in. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll have to in order to continue to go with a shortage of sleep. To feed him the one ounce per hour for the 10th time a day, to watch all my furniture take another hit of breast milk, spit up, or little boy pee, to not sleep by my husband, to listen to him cry (Alex, not Scout).

All in. And right now. Sitting here just after sunrise, Alex crashed out on my lap, one arm tucked behind his head like ?¢‚Ǩ?ìI?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m the coolest 13 day old baby on the block?¢‚Ǩ¬ù, in actual non stained AND dry clothes, it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s easy to see how I will fall for this little boy again and again. It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s easy to overlook how loving this boy all in will break my heart on occasion, keep me scared at 1am for ?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ oh ?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ ever?¢‚Ǩ¬¶.. and whatever other God awful hard things are in the future.

Again, I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m looking over my shoulder trying to find where the adults are that are supposed to be taking care of all the big decisions.

Originally posted May 7, 2007

On Thursday, Scout was strung out. I could tell that he was having trouble because testosterone brings on less instant maternal instincts than the ovaries do. Well, that and he hasn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t done things like sing ?¢‚Ǩ?ìThe Ants Go Marching?¢‚Ǩ¬ù for 45 minutes while trying to get Aly to go to sleep, he hasn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t ever been alone in a house with a hungry baby and a slow bottle warmer, things like that.

So I called his friend Dave and asked if he could get Scout out of the house for some guy time on Friday. Dave said he too remembered feeling like he was only one who didn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t get the baby manual when his daughter was born and he?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢d be happy to take Scout out of estrogen hell and give him some guy time.

Friday came and went and Scout went to Target for food and diapers, but never mentioned Dave.

Dave and his wife and daughter came over on Saturday and the wife (Karen) told me that Dave called Scout on Friday and could NOT convince Scout to come out for a while – Scout was too worried about me to leave me alone.

Love isn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t in the wedding flowers or the wedding rings. It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s in the stuff like this.

Short archived post for you today, please check out my guest post at Audubon Ron’s place, Ducks Mahal. Be sure to scroll down and read the first 4 entries of the Rosewood series.

Originally posted May 4, 2007

The cord stump falling off sucks. Alex was done eating yesterday and had fallen asleep beside me, I was talking to mom and suddenly realized he was wide awake and looking directly at me. Like he SAW me. He had tears in his little red eyes and was breathing very carefully. He was looking at me like ?¢‚Ǩ?ìMommy, something hurts, I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m confused, I don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t understand.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù So I picked him up and cuddled him and loved on him, and mom and I determined it must be some hella case of gas. I cuddled him for a while, she cuddled him to sleep. While he was sleeping tummy to chest with her he stuck one of his legs out so his tummy wasn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t touching her chest anymore. We awwed over how cute he was. When he woke up he was ready to eat, I put him in football position to feed him and he just screamed and wouldn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t latch, and I yelled back at him (not angry yell, but loud enough he could hear me over himself), he?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢d stop yelling and listen to me – although I was also holding him away from my body at the time. I couldn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t figure out WHAT the problem was. I finally undid his onesie and realized his cord stump had come off, all but a little bit of it that was holding the scab on. So my poor boy had this open wound rubbing on fabric, that was being rubbed painfully while being trapped under my boob – no wonder he was so upset. : ( Fortunately I had a bottle ready and he could eat from that, and then I put the goldenseal powder on the open oozy ick and that helps form a cover so it doesn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t really bother him so much. Poor baby : (

Originally posted April 27, 2007, and April 28, 2007.?Ǭ†

We survived the night – not really sure why we bought a crib though?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m apparently the mom who believes with all her heart that if she puts the baby in the crib and leaves the room to go upstairs and actually sleep or something that the breath bandits will come and take the baby?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s soul away. And one in the morning isn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t the time to be academic about such things. Thankfully I have this wonderful perfect husband who will hold the baby and let me go sleep though.

All in all a very good day. My milk came in something crazy, have fed Alex all day and had reserves. Of course he rips through the reserves when I nap – but the operative phrase in that sentence is ?¢‚Ǩ?ìwhen I nap?¢‚Ǩ¬ù – this means I get some sleep, and Daddy and Mimi get a chance to actually spend time with Alex too.

In a crazy related note – I feel like the coolest freaking person on the planet. I feel like that cocky confident early twenty something – I don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t know when I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve ever felt like this. I can do anything! (Except sleep more than two hours at a stretch!)

What I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve learned:

All things in the living room are available for DNA sampling: Breast milk and baby boy pee are attracted to two cushions on the couch, the ottoman and the new rug. One cushion and one chair are currently still DNA free – but probably not for long. Action Step: find all towels etc in house and cover all things absorbent with something that can go in washing machine absorbent.

Sleep deprive my husband and he will say the words ?¢‚Ǩ?ìblow job?¢‚Ǩ¬ù and drop the f bomb and refer to his parents as ?¢‚Ǩ?ìnutzo?¢‚Ǩ¬ù in front of his mother in law. Kick ass. Action Step: Keep him always sleepy.

Five hours of sleep is bliss. Action step: Repeat as often as possible.

Three sets of hands for one little boy – quite helpful. Action step: May not ever let Mom go home. (Which as long as my husband is sleep deprived he may not notice.)

If I want my dad to call: Have a baby, clearly hit the wall of exhaustion and then lay down to take a nap, JUST fall asleep. This is a guarantee apparently, proven with a sample size of 3/3 days. Action Step: Time to shut the ringer off when I nap.

Originally posted April 24, 2007.

oh yeah, that?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s what the trip to Target for pasta sauce and some milk and some peanut butter turned into.

Spinal Tap, Veronica Mars S2, Scrubs S2, Friends S8, two different cake mixes, muffin mix, 3 kinds of ice cream, three boxes of jalapeno poppers, more chocolate, mac n cheese, chips, Milanos ?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. we did get the stuff we went in for – but holy crap all the other stuff! Scout?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s done with work too so we?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢re home for the duration.

The walking helped make things settle in, after the oven turns out some desserty goodness I think we may have to go walk through the neighborhood.

(Later)

Oh thank God, I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve had contractions for the last 2 hours. About every 8 and a half minutes or so. I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve had them laying down, I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve had them sitting up, I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ve had them while moving around. Seem to have passed the test of ?¢‚Ǩ?ìif you change activity do they stop??¢‚Ǩ¬ù Going to go take a bath here in a bit – mostly just so I can shave what I can see (which face it, isn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t much) and get my hair washed and straightened. Think I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll go lay (lie?) down with Scout and Tavish for a bit, then eat, then bathe. Oh yeah, need to call and cancel that 840 am appt – I don?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t think I need to go over there for an appt and then come home and then go back later today.

And believe me, being 291 days pregnant, and having faced the idea of all kinds of needles and chemicals and surgery for over a week – with every contraction, my reaction is pretty much along the lines of ?¢‚Ǩ?ìThank you sir, may I have another??¢‚Ǩ¬ù

Previously posted April 22, 2007.?Ǭ†

(Dude, don’t taunt a pregnant lady – I’m surprised I wasn’t breathing fire I was so mad.)

Seriously, I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m so pissed off about this that I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m convinced Alex will be born with horns.

I hate me, I hate Scout, I hate the baby, the cat has been smart enough to stay away from me so she?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s safe from the hate, I hate the grandparents (all of them. Both of my parents have had ?¢‚Ǩ?ìlovely?¢‚Ǩ¬ù conversations with me today. Serves them right for trying to talk to the savage beast.)

I feel like a fucking circus midget (that?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s for Carrie) in a cage at the zoo, what with all the grandparents calling all the GD time. Once a day one of them is on the horn or the email ?¢‚Ǩ?ìjust checking in?¢‚Ǩ¬ù. I swear to God, if I ever lose my mind and decide and this is a good idea to get pregnant ever again, I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m not telling the grandparents until the baby decides to show the hell up. It?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s like they are all afraid we?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll forget to call and tell them. Hate.

Otherwise, Kristen, I change my prior advice – call all the grandparents right now and tell them the docs set your due date back TWO weeks, not just one. I can not save myself, but you can still save yourself.

I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m also considering changing his name to Braxton Hicks instead of Alexander Jakob since that?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s apparently his favorite thing in the universe.

Oh, and never fear, intermingled with all the hate is all the guilt that I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m a horrible fucking mother for feeling this way, causing irrepairable damage to my kid before he?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s even born. Never fear.

Originally posted April 20, 2007.

I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m a pretty intervention free kind of pregnant woman.

Alex has till 840am on Tuesday before the gentlest of the medical type interventions begin.

So if you?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢d wanna say a prayer or whatever that this boy decides he wants out between now and then?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. In the words of Bill Lumbergh – ?¢‚Ǩ?ìThat?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢d be greeeeeaaaat.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù

On the flip side of the medical interventions are those we can try at home. Nipple stimulation, sex (semen apparently has prostaglandins in it that can ripen the cervix – although why no one thinks this is concerning the other 14 months of pregnancy I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m not sure) and orgasms specifically.

Well, at least I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ll know how to use that breast pump when I actually have a kid to feed.

Is it bad to look up naughtiness on google as soon as your husband leaves the house? How the hell do you explain that? Yes son, I got myself off but it was all for you? WTF mate?

I told Scout today in the sonogram room that we might have to sign up for some strategically engineered mercy sex. ?¢‚Ǩ?ìGet it up, put it in, get it off?¢‚Ǩ¬¶..?¢‚Ǩ¬ù I told him I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢d even play some very special Liz Phair in the background for him ?¢‚Ǩ¬¶. mood music if you will. (Seriously, you have to click the link to get the joke.)

Ahhhhh romance, ahhh candor, ahhhh TMI : )

Originally posted April 18, 2007.?Ǭ†

I didn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t know when I went to bed last night that today would be my last day of work. But when I got in the car this morning with Scout to go to work (late). I knew. When I walked into work. I knew. While I was reading the end of a book to my 5th hour class. I knew. While I was reading that book something shifted in me, and my mind wasn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t really there. Melissa looked at me after that and said my eyes had turned inward, that things were changing.

It was like a sacrament – an outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace.

I was patted and loved on by several moms today. And one man who greeted me on my way in to work, a man who is so gentle you know his mama raised him right.

I finished testing a girl during 7th hour, my voice was even different while I read the script to her, softer or something.

I passed along good news to three different parent/students today that they had passed tests and wouldn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t have to deal with them again – they were finished.

I finished a book, a test, I let people know they had finished tasks, and I finished my pre Alex work life. All while being patted gently by other mothers.

Huh. Today was a blessing. What a gift. Huh.

I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m glad I sat down to write this – I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m glad I didn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t miss out on the gift of today.

Originally posted April 17th, 2007.

Seriously. I have figured out some serious shit today.

In reading the book The Sweet Potato Queens?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ Field Guide to Men: Every Man I Love Is Either Married, Gay, or Dead the author talks about ?¢‚Ǩ?ìMan Ears?¢‚Ǩ¬ù.

To quickly sum up – Man Ears is what all men have that make it so that everything we say somehow becomes an invitation for sex. Example: ?¢‚Ǩ?ìLet?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s watch a movie?¢‚Ǩ¬ù becomes ?¢‚Ǩ?ìI want to watch nasty porn with you and have sex with you while watching it?¢‚Ǩ¬ù Example: ?¢‚Ǩ?ìWould you pass me the newspaper please??¢‚Ǩ¬ù becomes ?¢‚Ǩ?ìI will give you a blow job?¢‚Ǩ¬ù

You get the idea.

So today, I get the following email from my brother Professor (of ?¢‚Ǩ?ìHi I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m Prof, wanna fuck??¢‚Ǩ¬ù famed pick up line – only continuing to prove the ?¢‚Ǩ?ìMan Ears?¢‚Ǩ¬ù theory):

?¢‚Ǩ?ìWhen are you moving?? I saw Dad yesterday and he said he knew nothing about you moving until last Saturday when he was at Gma?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù

My response to him was:

?¢‚Ǩ?ìThat?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s because he doesn?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t listen – I told him in January, Mrs. Forbes mentioned it February, and when she mentioned it he had no idea what she was talking about, she thought she?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢d said something wrong. By the time I talk to him again he will probably have forgotten about it again. Granted, it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s not like it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s the most important thing going on in his world right now but still?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ its?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢ just situation normal on that memory thing.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù

To which he replied that he figured this was the case, and I replied that I figured he figured, and we went on to rag on Dad?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s girlfriend and such, as is sport whenever two or more of my family are gathered?¢‚Ǩ¬¶.

But I digress. (shocking)

I began to ponder just why it was that my father was incapable of retaining details that I shared with him.

And then it hit me.

Man Ears!

Man Ears are programmed to turn everything a woman says into an invitation for sex. Now CLEARLY it is inappropriate for a father to hear something his baby girl says and turn it into an invitation for sex. THEREFORE, I can only conclude that what happens is that when a daughter says something to her father, the Man Ears kick in, sending a whole bunch of feedback sounding noise from the Man Ears to the brain, overloading the Man Ears ?¢‚Ǩ?ìI hear sex invitations only?¢‚Ǩ¬ù receptors with noise rather than the actual words the daughter is saying.

THIS is why fathers and daughters can?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢t communicate.

I am ready for my Peace Prize now.