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people told me that

being a parent would be

a very hard job

no one ever said

it would ever be this hard

being the daughter

Last night as we were going to sleep, I noticed a familiar photo on Scout’s computer. It was the banner to Alex Year One. I don’t know if he’s ever read it before, I’m thinking not, because he turned the pages and scrolled down the pages and spent time reading it.

As far as I can remember, Scout’s never read anything I’ve written. Save for a very excellent parody of “A Few Good Men” we wrote a few years back called “Some Really Okey Dokey People”.

I didn’t say anything when I noticed him reading, I didn’t ask him what he thought. Mostly I was just really touched that at the end of the day, after hearing me yap on about whatever is on my mind, that he values me enough to then *READ* whatever is on my mind. Months of whatever is on my mind in one sitting.

Like I said, I’m not so hot with the saying I love yous. I hope he also read between the lines of what I’ve written to see the real life love story there, even if it is covered in little boy pee and surrounded by diapers and dirty laundry.

I met my sister when I was 17.

I was a camp counselor. I had 6 13 year old girls I was in charge of for one week. K. was one of my girls. We shared the same middle name, freckles and tendency to sunburn. After the week was over she sent me letters, I replied.

I ended up going to college in the town she lived in, so I would occasionally pick her up at school and we’d go have frozen custard.

I could always tell when she was up to something, because she would start asking lots of personal questions that would eventually prompt me saying, “Just what are you doing that you need to tell me about?” Then she’d spill and I’d advise and commiserate.

I left the town, the state, and eventually she ended up at the same college I’d attended. She was an RA with Sunday night duty. I had free long distance on Sundays, so we fell in the habit of talking every Sunday night. The conversations were sometimes broken up by all the college joy, but other times we had hours to catch up – advise and commiserate.

Strangely, my girl got married before I did, but I was still older and took the lead in the advice. It’s possible it’s because I’m pushy and mouthy too. Possible. (No comments, Scout.)

We’ve both ended up far from home, but only 3 hours from each other, which is just a randomness that life pleasantly handed us.

It took me longer than it should have to be hit with the awe and gratitude that we will be raising our children together. Once I realized that, I also realized that as soon as her pregnancy was over, that I would have no advice left to give. I would no longer be having an experience years ahead of her, we would be having this whole mommyhood experience together.

Together.

I’m so proud of the woman my little girl grew up to be. I’m grateful she’s still just enough my baby girl to call me way late at night to tell me that her baby girl is in the world. She’s tired, but she’s made it through.

And already, I made the change over. I had no advice, it’s her story and she will write it her way. I’m just glad we can be in this together.

I don’t say I love you easily or often. In fact, I get touchy when I hear it said too often b/c I start believing it less the more I hear it. However, when I got off the phone with her, it came so easily, as it always does with her.

(ps. I love you, too, ITHLaT.)

(which could also be titled “Knowing how to behave when it really counts”)

You could say my family puts the fun in dysfunctional. But it’s not always fun, and it’s not always dysfunctional.

From where I stand, every single person in my family shares a common goal: Make Grandma happy.

I think we were all born understanding that we were placed in the arms of a special woman. Grandma will be 94 in November. She started being a mother a month after her 15th birthday when her mom died of the flu. She feels eternal to us – we started planning her 90th birthday celebration a year in advance. No one thinks of life without Grandma, I think we’re all also assuming she will live forever.

I realizing driving home from the big family shindig this weekend that I couldn’t figure out how I felt – I didn’t feel particularly passionate in any familiar direction – joy, anger, annoyance, fear, sadness – any of the normal sensations that tick through me after a weekend with the fam.

Today I realized I feel grateful. I looked at the evening through Grandma’s eyes and understood why:

She is 93 years old.

She has four children who were all at the wedding with their spouses/sig others. She was driven to the wedding by her older daughter who is kicking the ass out of breast and thyroid cancer – who decided to ignore her doctors when they told her not to travel – who looks absolutely stunning in her “is it or isn’t it a wig” and her neckline showing the stitches from her thyroid surgery this same week. (My people – we are obstinate – It can serve us well). She was met by her youngest son who also managed to kick a little cancer butt this year.

13 of her 14 grandchildren were there. Everyone playing nicely with each other. Everyone stopping to spend some Grandma time.

All 14 of her great grandchildren were there. 3 she had never met before.

2 more grandchildren told her they were expecting in February/March.

The family was together. The family was happy. I’m grateful she had this night. I’m grateful we took the time to go. I’m grateful, for this moment, to be a part of this family.

(There are, as always, stories of baby poop, screaming on the highway, flasks of bourbon in purses and pockets, and all night parties, how my throat hurt for days in anticipation of screaming arguments – but this is about how well everything can all go down when everyone knows how to behave when it really counts.)

so the experiment worked. 15 hours of sleep. lots of day sleep too. not sure if had or 3 naps. i look forward to getting to ky when i can get to being on top of things. in some ways i’m looking forward to not having any help.

—

alex was way wiggly here abt 3am. i finally gave up and put him on the floor. he kicked and blinked and played alone for abt 3o minutes before making signs of “kaiser want food now”. he sucked down the bottle and went right to sleep.

—

Scouts mom is sleeping on the couch downstairs. id mentioned buying a mattress weeks ago and he said nah. ooookay fine. so last night she slept on the tiny couch (i have to curl my knees on this thing) on throw pillows. today they came home with real pillows. tonight on my shift ive learned that omg she snores. (i forget how mich i detest snoring. i know its not fair bc its not like the person can help it, but it makes me crazy). if its bc of tired from travel hopefully it will be better tomorrow. if its bc of the couch then we have to buy a mattress for cuz she cant be comfy. if its how she always sleeps then omg oxygen and a cpap machune need on the xmas list.

edit: i just got this-

Want help achieving and maintaining a healthy weight? Aim for eight hours of sleep a night. Research suggests that appetite-regulating hormones are affected by sleep and that sleep deprivation could lead to weight gain. In two studies, people who slept five hours or less per night had higher levels of ghrelin – a hormone that stimulates hunger – and lower levels of the appetite-suppressing hormone leptin than those who slept eight hours per night. So make sure getting adequate sleep is near the top of your optimum health checklist!