Kaiser Mommy

Choose Joy. Every Time.

The worthless bad day

I was going to wait to write this, but I decided I really just wanted it out and done with. It’s not as fully entertaining as it could be, because I got one story done and my wine hangover kicked in and I’m really tired and need to sleep. (Scout, you may just want to pass on reading this one. Just sayin’.) So. Post Dude, there was a new boy… Read More

Breathless Fear. Aka: Moving forward

It’s one thing to declare I’m going to be a TFB* and look out for myself and demand better. It’s another to sit in this breathless fear after sending a message to someone with the reminder, hey, remember me? here’s a fucking tip – answer when I talk to you (paraphrased). The good girl pleaser (see also: doormat) me is thinking, “what if they don’t like me after this?”. The.. Read More

What I Want

I got asked that simple question on Saturday. “What do you want?” My answer was immediate. Person didn’t want to know the answer, person shouldn’t have asked. I’m a little dangerous healed. “I want to come real close to first. I’m done being 5th or 6th or whatever, I want to be first.” The follow up, “That’s how it’s been for you?” … uh yeah. My whole life. I thought.. Read More


So. I think I’m about to get into it. I think I’m getting ready to get better. Last time I saw my shrink, which was 2 months ago, she chewed my ass up and down. She told me to quit living in a fantasy and pull my head out. She told me to quit making excuses for people. She told me I am not better. She told me I am.. Read More

Dream Part Two

Since I wrote about the last strange little dream I had, I figured I’d add this to the pile. We were standing together, wrapped in our winter to spring outdoor wear. The sun bright, the breeze nice. Your arm wrapped around my shoulders. You looked like Matthew Broderick (Ferris Matthew, not Broadway Matthew), but I knew it was you. The way one does in a dream. I pressed my lips.. Read More

Guilt? or is it shame?

I will do a lot of things as a teacher. Wear a tutu, worry about my kids, laugh when a Kindergartener throws up on the carpet, hold my breath and antibac my face, arms and hands when the “sneeze pocket” fails and I get hosed with … whatever. I will eat school lunches, use the teacher voice, sing songs, read books, do reports, miss my OWN kid’s first day of.. Read More

Ghosts of relationships past

I’ve become fairly superstitious when it comes to making sure the Dude is out of my life and out of my house. I set fire to my dreams of our life together months ago – When I cleaned out a closet and found more things I thought were long gone – those landed on the fire as well. I wanted them gone. Today as Alex and I cleaned the (expletive.. Read More

The Last First Day

That first year after Dad died was full of “this is the first day that …. without him”. Since he died in March 2008, Leap Day had already passed. In my own dorkalicious fashion, I’ve known all along that this “Last First Day” was out waiting, and now tomorrow it will be here. It’s not really a Big Deal, it’s just a little milestone bump in this road. Like Huh,.. Read More


I’ve concluded that I do not know where I’m going. I’m lost. I could be all WASPy about it and set a goal. I could be all Navajo about it and decide that setting a goal could prevent me from going with life’s flow and finding what I’m truly meant for. I could hide under my covers and not come out. Oooo… there’s a thought… I could . . … Read More

Haunted (subtitle: Where I hit publish after writing a dream)

I dreamed about you last night. It was wartime and we were together and in danger. We narrowly escaped being put in the rooms where the gas was thrown and the yellow-green explosion came up from below. It was cold but not bitterly so. We were rounded up with others and as we waited for the soldiers to get to us, I looked at you directly, saying, “I love you”.. Read More

The Best Kind of Birthday

In the post Valentine’s romantic barfness, comes my birthday. (24th) Once upon a time, I would have hoped for jewelry or flowers or classic romance. I dreamed a different kind of dream last night. He … [It has a to be a guy, because trying to picture a woman in this scenario just doesn’t work for me. Equal love for my peeps and all, but this is a plan that.. Read More

Roads blocked and not taken.

It’s been a dark couple months in my head. December was filled with promises of awesome, and it just didn’t happen. I ended 2011 alone and bleak and sick. January opened with beautiful weather and a few healthy days for me, and then falling from the death plague that kept me in bed for four days (no really. me. bed. four days. ridic.) and I’m STILL moving through the exhaustion.. Read More

For she was yours

Marty posted a photo of Susan Niebur – age 15. Then she posted a photo of both of them, age high school, on facebook. Early 90s, post 80s hairspray, Cindy Crawford eyebrows, church retreat, a stunningly familiar lack of cool. (note the word “familiar” as in “like me lookin in a mirror”) I thought I was worrying about Susan because of her awesomeness (which I was). I thought I was.. Read More