Kaiser Mommy

Choose Joy. Every Time.

Declaration Day

I had it marked on the calendar for this 40 some days. August 1, 2011. Declaration Day. The day I would end my silence between the Dude and I. The day I would declare where I stood. After taking real time to be on my own and examine it all. After giving him the chance to show how he really felt. On this day, I declare I am done. After.. Read More

This Post is In Progress (and very long)

I had therapy today. 3rd session. The first therapy visit was a good foundation laying. The second was funny because when we talked about the Dude, she was so intrigued by the connection between us and so into the potential between us and the work I was doing that I thought for a while that he must be going to see her too. Which brings us today. Where she played.. Read More

And Then What?

One of the books I’m reading encourages playing the “And Then What?” game when we feel afraid. Tonight I am going to HP7P2. I went to HP7P1 with the Dude and the heathens at Christmas. The day I threw the Dude out of my house it was because of the final straw of him taking that tatted up whore to see The Hangover when I had specifically asked him if.. Read More


I named this three times before deciding “preparing” was right. I started with “Growing” then “Waiting”. I am preparing. I am preparing my home. I am making this home mine. Alex gets a little say, but really, this is my space and I’m so thrilled with the chance to create my own space. I am letting go of what I don’t need. Which will result in you seeing some photos.. Read More

Message from the Gut

I didn’t listen to my Gut last fall. My Gut told me it wasn’t the right time for the Dude and I. I told my Gut to fuck off. In return, my Gut decided that not only did I need to learn how to listen, I also needed a big lesson in forgiveness. Last weekend, I read a book that at some point talked about forgiveness. It said, “Forgiveness is.. Read More

Touch – free

Over a month ago, I broke down sobbing on the Dude. “No one touches me!” I mourned. I had gone from a relationship that even when the sex and the affection weren’t top priority, we were spooners. Hours each day I was held close in a sleeping embrace. And when the sex and the affection WERE top priority – wow. Just wow. And then it was gone and I was.. Read More

to my dude

I love you. I will always have a place in my heart for you. But I’m taking a break from you. My give a damn is broken. Your bullshit excuses have worn me out. You threw away the thing you had always wanted with both hands. You were tempted, nay obsessed, with someone else. And I will forgive you of that one day soon. I’m using your stupidity and your.. Read More

The Yes

Tonight Ivy and I were at a rehearsal dinner, seeing people we hadn’t seen in years. One of the people was the brother of the bride – an old acquaintance of mine – someone Ivy has known much better. He was holding his new daughter and we were cooing over her after the hugs of “been so long” and “good to see you”. His next question took me by surprise.. Read More

After the Stories

I don’t have much to add after the last big “I am woman hear me roar“. That was the easy part. The running on anger and adrenaline and shock value. Now comes the reality. The – oh. He hasn’t called – I’m not important yet. Dammit. The – wtf, he just drove by and didn’t stop? Oh right. Not important. Yet. Dammit. He came in and finished Alex’s floor and.. Read More

changed the locks

Today I threw my oldest friend out of my house. You are all showing me that I am important. Valued. Loved. Yesterday I specifically told The Dude “you do x and it will piss me off and hurt me. Meanwhile I need you to do z.” This morning I learned that he did NOT do z. And he did do x. Both x and z are insignificant things themselves, they.. Read More

complete lack of gratitude

I’m not grateful. I’ve heard people say after fit hit the shan that they are grateful for the experience because it made them a better person. I am not grateful for this pain. There is a struggle in me and I’m not sure yet who is winning. The one who wants to close off and be bitter. The one who thinks dead would be painless. The one who knows that.. Read More

A bit of an explanation.

So by now, several of you are wondering, “Why the fuck are you putting up with any of this?” Well. The Dude and I have known each other a long time. We’ve been friends through: our middle school awkward phases his parents’ divorce his mom’s coming out his sister’s coming out his mom’s partner’s cancer my dad and wife separating his dad getting remarried his girlfriend’s pregnancy. in high school… Read More

Moaner Mac n Cheese

For Sarah. The Dude adores mac and cheese. Fortunately for me, I can make some. With the help of Twitter and my loverly HOT friend Rachel, who pointed me in the direction of a great recipe. Which I do not remember now, but I will tell you how I make it. 1 pound of pasta. Whatever works. package of bacon. 1 pound of cheese. I use something in a sharp.. Read More