I’m not grateful. I’ve heard people say after fit hit the shan that they are grateful for the experience because it made them a better person.
I am not grateful for this pain.
There is a struggle in me and I’m not sure yet who is winning. The one who wants to close off and be bitter. The one who thinks dead would be painless. The one who knows that at the end of this is that better, happier, more secure person.
I know which one I’m placing my bets on.
I choose my words more carefully. My ever present temper comes with a leash and a muzzle for my biting words. My tone is gentler when discussing hard things. When my friends are hurting, I try to get in their personal mudpuddle with them and get dirty with them. I try to figure out what I am feeling and then why.I want to be a better parent. I want to be a better partner.
I am grateful for you.
I am grateful for the network of support I have that I didn’t know was standing guard till lately.
I am grateful for the authors who have written the books I am learning from.
I am grateful I am still standing.
I am grateful for beginning to understand the absolute preciousness of myself and of this heart of mine.
I am grateful for the person I will be on the other side of this pain.
But I am not grateful for this pain.
Oh babe, I don’t think you’re supposed to be grateful for pain. Not when you’re in the middle of it, anyway. Years from now, you might be able to look back and see how it made you a better person when it was all said & done. But I don’t think anyone expects you to be grateful now. Hang in there. xoxo
On Forgiveness « Kaiser Mommy
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