(Anyone with child – you might want to skip this post.)
I found out this week that my cousin miscarried her baby. I found out through a cryptic email from my Dad to the family asking everyone to pray for cousin and her husband. I confirmed with Deacon what had happened – but there was more to it.
She lost twins.
My cousin and I aren’t close. Truth be told, we probably don’t care for each other that much, although we disregard each other so much that we really have never taken the time to find out if we like each other or not.
She and her husband have been married for 6 years. She’s pretty into her niece and nephews. It had been long enough that I was afraid that her not being a mom wasn’t her choice, so in my way, I was really happy for her when I found out she was pregnant. I watched from afar as she and her husband told my grandma.
She looked so happy.
It’s bothered me all week about whether or not I should say something. And what to say even if I’m in a position to say something. It’s stuck with me all. week. long.
I checked my spam folder tonight and there was an email from a high school friend. One of those people I was really close to at one point in time, but we’ve drifted over the years. She has a son I haven’t met.
She emailed me to tell me she’s miscarried. Again. Twice in less than a year. This time at 17 weeks. She’s so hurt and so shocked that it happened again.
Se told me this baby was a boy like the last one. She told me she knows that they are in heaven taking care of each other. Which just broke me.
But after having this close to my heart all week, I had words, I felt like I could at least say something and not leave her with empty silence.
I wrote I was sorry, and I knew sorry wasn’t enough.
I wrote sometimes God is a big ole toad, and I hated that his plan was so opposite hers.
I wrote that those babies matter, and her dreams about them matter very, very much.
I wrote that I’m far away, but if she needs someone to read what she had to say about things, that I would read.
I hope it was enough. I hope the words were okay.
It is so hard to find the words in a situation like that.
Soon after I got pregnant with the Little Mister I emailed a friend to tell her about it. I got a reply a few days later: she got pregnant around the same time I did, but she had just miscarried.
How do you respond to that? I didn’t know how to be in contact with her throughout (and after) my pregnancy, because it seemed to me that any mention of my pregnancy or baby would be a painful jab, reminding her that she should have a baby the same age. I dealt with infertility for three years, so I know how painful it can be to be reminded that you aren’t pregnant.
Sorry to ramble. And anyway, I think you found the right words.
I think that you found the right words. It is hard to know what to say, to know what words will help, rather than hurt.
It is also hard when you don’t know if you are supposed to know about it. I will be sending positive thoughts to your cousin and friend.
That is so hard. I think what you said to her is more helpful that anything…to know there is someone that will listen, not pretend to understand, and not judge what she is feeling.
Even if you have had a miscarriage (I had one at only 9 wks along) it won’t be the same experience for anyone.
As for your not so close cousin…maybe a kind word from someone unexpected would be what she needs. To remember that there are other people out there who care…and that it will happen when God has it in his plans for her…???
Dealing with a miscarriage is such a silent grief. So many women have had one (or two or three) but no one really ever talks about it.
I can tell you from experience that just acknowledging the loss is so important. And your acknowledgment sounds so thoughtful and supportive. Well done.
Maybe something to your cousin like, “you are in my thoughts right now” I think Random and Jen are right, it is important to be acknowleged as you work through your grief.
Such a sad thing, so much pain. I haven’t experienced it myself, but I know close friends who have.
It is difficult to say the right thing. You want to make the person feel better, but you know you can’t. Just love on ’em. Best you can do. And you did that.
It happens so often. *shakes head* I wish no parent ever had to feel the pain of such loss.
Acknowledging the loss is a lot, and offering to listen is great, too. I liked receiving flowers. I don’t know why, but it made me feel a bit better.
I’m just so sorry for their losses and know it so intimately. It just hurts.
I think you found the right words. I really do. To the extent that words can help her right now, yours will.
It’s hard to know what to say really. I’ve been through it five times, and each time someone would always piss me off or make me feel worse somehow. That was my issue though, not theirs. Afterwards I realized that they were just trying to comfort me.
I think you said the right things.
My sister lost twins. She went in one day and the hearbeats had vanished. They waited a little bit to see if her body would miscarry, but when she didn’t, her doctor did a D&C.
She waited several months, tried again, and had a completely normal and uneventful pregnancy.
It’s hard to know what to say. At the time, I didn’t have kids, wasn’t even trying to get pregnant, so I just listened to her cry and tried to be supportive before and after her D&C. It truly was awful. Just awful.
The Other Dawn
I think the words are wonderful. I never know what to say when people don’t know what to say.
Secret Agent Mama
I agree, your words were enough and wonderful. I’m sorry for all women that lose babies; it’s so hard and sad. I pray for their peace and comfort.
As someone whose had 3 miscarriage (one of them being twins), I know that just the fact that you’ve acknowledged it is a good start. It’s very difficult to know what to say.
I think they were perfect. So sad.
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