546. You have intestinal issues before you go to sleep that will. not. ahem. resolve.
547. You wake in the morning after 764 baby wake ups.
548. Baby is soaking wet so you take him out of diaper to air dry to prevent diaper rash.
549. Your intestinal issues vow to resolve AT!THIS!EXACT!MOMENT!
550. Baby crawls to you. You notice something on his heel…. oh and his leg … oh and …. oh God.
551. Scatastrophe on the carpet in the bedroom. Big one.
552. Clean up as well as you can.
553. 64.5 minutes later, diaper blow out.
554. Carnage: diaper, diaper cover, brand new onesie proclaiming “my mom is a fox”, yoga pants, restoration hardware bathmat, towel, carpet, tile, baby.
555. Put baby in bath – which he hates – wash baby – get baby out, into new diaper, realize you totally missed the back of his leg b/c it was bent in the tub.
556. Carnage = +1 washcloth.
557. Stand in tank top, bareassed and type this to your friends, baby nearly grabs naked pubes.