Most nights after Alex falls asleep, you can find me in my bed, on my “borrowed” wireless, laptop open on my knees, BlackBerry in hand watching for the red light to blink with a message.

Eyes closed, breathing in rhythm. Meditating. Talking to God. The Universe. My Gut. Whoever drifts through and wants to chat.

I’ve learned a hell of a lot in the last 2 months. I know I would have missed out on some opportunities if this massive change hadn’t crashed through my life. So while I’m not thrilled about the pain, I’ll do my best to take the silver lining and wrap myself up in it like a sex goddess.

Which is a good time to mention, I’m down 24 pounds. I had to be refitted for bras yesterday – I’ve dropped from a 36 to a 32 band. I’m at 164 which was my old “omfg I hate myself” weight. Now it feels like a victory. And halfway there – 25 to go.

I have also found truth. I know with absolute certainty that by focusing on what I want, I will get it – when I’m ready.

Which is a bit of a bitch really. I’m not in love with the being patient part of this. But I know NOW that until I am ready, really really READY, that the Universe ain’t givin’ me jackshit (say it fast – one word. jackshit.) because I will only screw it up. So I might as well flow with the Universe and her bitchy ways. Learn the lessons in spite of the pain that comes from growing.

I’m learning to give up the illusion of control. I’m learning to – omg – KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. I’m learning that my words are every bit as powerful as I have ever thought – and I need to use those powers for good.

I’m learning that if all I have to say is something that would shame the other person, I need to stfu. Not yet because it’s the “right” thing to do – but because my ass still hurts from the spanking Dear Universe gave me and I’m licking my current wounds – not looking for any new ones.

But whatever it takes, right?

Right Universe?

Anyway. Ahem. Where was I?

I have so much to tell you. I have a mental “Bibliography of Grief” to share – the books I have read that have taught me – knocked lessons into my arrogant hard head.

I have so many photos to take and post – of this little house that is coming together – learning that a busy 4 year old can indeed paint baseboards – at least as a primer coat. 🙂 (and I want my damn brownie points for unclenching and letting him use the paint roller on a house project)

I’m trying to actively let go of things I don’t need. Anger, sadness, bras with a 36 band, smoking, hate, grudges . . .

I’m trying to grab onto the things right in front of me – this house, the cats, Alex, friends, me. And then me some more.

But for now I go. Tomorrow Alex and I make the road trip to Scout for a week. Work that strange little dynamic of living under the same roof for 6 days in 3 different bedrooms.

Until we meet again – can anyone explain why my two boy cats are so intent on licking each others’ buttholes? Thanks.

 

(edited to add: as soon as I hit publish, The Bink posted this link to The Universe Doesn’t Give a Flying Fuck About You – which – funny timing. Now I am off to do something fucking epic.)