Do you ever wonder how many times you will have to be hit over the head with a lesson before you choose to learn it?
This is where I am right now.
Back in April, my friend Carrie sent me to a site with guided meditations, specifically because there was one about opening my heart to love that she thought would help me.
Night after night I would pick one and listen. One was a focusing on finding some kind of answer. I went with the flow of it, and the answer that came was “you don’t have long.”
Which immediately scared me. It felt omnious. I tried rationalizing it into something else – like I don’t have long before this life I’m living changes … a new stage beginning … something other than the feeling there was a definite end in the not so far off future.
Right after that, came M’love and things were good. Life was different, clearly a chapter change from a few weeks before. I was finally able to learn lessons about love while I was happy, rather than in the deep. I could see a future, but was fully enjoying the day to day without some goal in mind for what the relationship needed to be.
I started doing yoga and immediately fell into pain. Hours of massage later I am finally better . . . and not doing yoga. Which is bad. I know the yoga was pulling up things that needed out. Liv gave me all the information she had on helping me through it, helping my heart with the grief working itself out.
Heather lost her Jackie! – A beautiful, brighter than the sun woman, younger than me – gone.
Talyaa found cancer raiding her body. She’s fighting back with an “I don’t have time for ‘somedays'” attitude, but is finding that the minute to minute isn’t fun – that the intentions are great and optimistic – the living it is harder.
M’love needed to hear that he could still be his own person, even with me. That he was welcome to build a man cave in his house, that our life together could actually take place not in each others’ spaces every available minute. He doesn’t see forever, he sees right now and wants to make sure this is all good in the moment. (Apparently that ‘carpe diem’ tattoo on his shoulder really did soak in for him.) Even though I think we used different words to mean the exact same thing, even though we are in the exact same place with what we want from this relationship, it still stings and still pulled me out of the safe happy zone I was in with him, and I’m working on getting back to the business of being happy in THIS moment, since this is the moment we know we have.
All of this has left me knowing I need to live right now, just do it, make today count, don’t put off till tomorrow what I could do today, seize the day, live in the moment . . .
Yet I’m not awake. I don’t know how to wake up. I get it, but I have not yet acted on it. I’m stuck in the gray.
Frankly I’m scared that if I don’t get myself woken up that something really bad is going to happen to force my eyes open. I’d really like to avoid that and just act on the lesson I can so clearly read.
And yet, my house is a mess, I have not yet begun running, my blogs remain quiet, my finances a disaster, my knitting remains unlisted, my thoughts are still unfocused… scattered… my heart is hollow… my mind is distracted ….
I need you. I need a restart. I need this Labor Day weekend to be a focus time to start and sprint for a while. My intentions are all lovely, but I need action. I need to act. Right now.
You don’t need to act. You need to relax and reflect. You need to know that you are smart and wickedly funny and gorgeous and amazing, and that you’re going to be okay. Everything will be okay.
Maybe inaction IS your action right now. Know what? That’s okay. Your life has been spinning in so many different directions that maybe now is the perfect time for, well, nothing. And nothing isn’t really nothing, after all. It’s you gaining strength with quiet determination.
Maybe the grey is where you need to be right now. My therapist likes to tell me all the time that sometimes you have to be OK with the uncertainty, the “this hasn’t started yet” to truly enjoy things when they DO happen. I still struggle with the “stop thinking of THEN and just enjoy NOW” type things, though I’m much better at it than I used to be.
I know how you feel. Maybe you’re just gunshy still? That’s what I think of it as – reflexive self-protection.
I like what the other commenters (especially KC) have said about being patient with where you are. I want to add, though, that I know how frustrating it can be to know a truth intellectually, but to be unable to live into it. It can take a lot of time, but one day, it may just click. Until then, keep your eyes and ears open and try to be patient with yourself.
Right Next « Kaiser Mommy
[…] wrote about feeling like I needed to be spurred into action. As Jene’ said – to know a truth intellectually, yet be unable to act on […]